Darth Vader

The most iconic villain in the history of film deserves his own Cracked page. Enjoy!

Oh so badass.

Episode I: Annie the Slaveboy and the Amazing Death Race of Doom

Poor little Annie. Not only is he dirt poor, but his freedom lies in the hands of flying, cock-nosed junk dealer Watto. But living on a desert wasteland isn't without its perks. Apart from getting to compete in alien nascar, nobody on the damn planet seems to give a rats ass about a child who 'built his own droid and vehicle' at the tender age of nine. One can only imagine how common it must be for the average person to encounter child prodigies in the remotest parts of the Star Wars galaxy.

After displaying incredible feats of genius and hand eye coordination in the Pod races, stranded douchebag Jedi Qui-Gon takes an interest in little Annie. He then comes to the conclusion that this littte boy is indeed 'extra sensitive' to force..uh..the force.

Turns out he has a caseload of Midichlorians in his blood, more than any other being in existence. Holy fucktastic factoid Qui-Gon!!!

"Follow me boy! I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born!"


Midichlorians are microscopic bacteria that allow a person to connect to the force, or in this case fill in plot holes. Most people would just be meh w/e but no no, not Qui Gon. He becamse so stoked that he had found 'The Chosen One' of the ancient Jedi Prophecy, it later gave him the audacity to defy the councils wishes and train the boy.

"Surely this boys father must have been a Jedi!", thought the bearded one. We then learn that there was no father, and Shmi just happened to get pregnant. Or maybe Shmi neglected to mention that steamy night at Jabba's palace. Or maybe she couldn't remember being tentacle raped by FiFi the squid alien of NarfleNarfle. Or maybe she tripped, fell and landed on someone's lightsaber. Nevertheless, she insists that Annie was conceived without intercourse, which leads to Qui-Gon immediately confirming that the boy was 'made' by the Midichlorians, which in turn makes us wonder about Qui-Gons upbringing.

Anakin showed a lot of promise at the academy.

With the help of then barely legal jailbait hottie Padme, they manage to free Anakin from the clutches of Watto. So poor Annie is separated from his mother who remains a slave forevermore. WTF Jedi-man!? Seeing as you had no inhibitions about fucking up Watto's life in the first place, why couldn't you go the extra mile and free Shmi as well? Thus began Qui-Gon's mind-rape of poor Annie, who was probably too traumatized to care about some obscure Jedi prophecy. He's taken to Coruscant and forced to train despite the 50% chance that Annie would end up shitting on a lot of people's dreams.

Episode II: Emokid and the Boner Syndrome

Ten years later and Annie is still an apprentice despite his best efforts to impress Ewan McGregor.
Being the rebellious gimp that he is, Anakin decided that it was ok to break the sacred anti-friskiness Jedi rule and fall head over heels for the deliciously hump-able Natalie Portman, who is now a perfectly legal albeit minute specimen. Nevertheless, Annie felt it was the right time and so after some minor flirting and forgettable droid fighting they went ahead and got married. No evidence as to whether Padme did any pre-marital lightsaber polishing, so I guess it's safe to assume that both of them were virgins. Not that anyone cares.

For the first time in his life, Annie was happy. After all, it only took a couple of hundred Geonosians, exposed abs, sexy beast-riding, Jedi corpses, killer robots and Samuel L. Jackson for them to openly confess their love for each other. Everything else that happened during this time is redundant. Oh yeah, Jango Fett was beheaded by Mace Windu, Anakin lost his hand, Obi-Wan slays a giant mantis and Yoda kicks ass. Apart from that, everything else is as redundant as anything ever spoken by Kanye West.

Episode III: The Fugly Senator and the Gullible Jockey

Having found out that Padme is indeed pregnant with any number of children, Anakin begins having nightmares about Padme's death. He becomes increasingly detached from his mentor Obi-Wan and the council, having been denied the title of Jedi Master. Palpatine uses this opportunity to reveal his true identity as Sith Lord to Anakin, and tells him that he alone has the power to prevent death. Anakin reports Palpatine to the council, but bitchtits later has a change of heart when Mace Windu refuses to let Palpatine ( now Darth Sidious ) live. Anakin strikes down Mace before Sidious dispatches him with force lightning. Mace falls out the window and dies a sissy death, but not before calling Anakin a 'traitorous muthafucka.'

After being anointed as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Vader is given new orders: kill the Jedi. Thus begins the most poignant part of Vader's existence; the execution of all Jedi, young and old, human and alien, male and female. The rest of Order 66 was carried out by the Troopers. Yeah, troopers. Slaughtered. Jedis. Like OMG HaX!

Order 66 as seen at the Jedi playground

Chewbacca helps Yoda escape, Jimmy Smits witnesses the carnage at the Jedi Temple, Padme is heart broken ( we still think it's plain old heart failure ) and Jar Jar has 5 seconds of screen time. Ohhh dandy.

The final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin takes place on a planet covered with lava and lava-like things. The fight raged on for 12 hours across the barren landscape, amidst hovering platforms and lava droids. In the end, Vader's hot headedness combined with the hot lava was no match for Obi-Wan's superior mastery of the woosa. Vader loses his dignity, his legs and his wavy locks. To add insult to injury, Obi-Wan steals his lightsaber and leaves him to die. Bastard!

But all is not at an end. Sidious arrives and saves Vader, outfitting him with the iconic suit we all know and love. Vader then screams, either in agony or ecstasy or both.

At around the same time, Padme, now in the care of Obi-Wan and Jimmy Smits, gives birth to Luke and Leia and then dies of a broken heart. The children are separated, in fear that Vader would find them because there's nothing quite like hiding babies from their maniacal father.

Episode 3.5: The Secret Apprentice

Vader continues to hunt down Jedi across the galaxy, leaving a trail of destruction and chaos in his path. On the remote planet of Dontknow, Vader discovers the location of Jedi Master Dontcare. After opening a big can of whoopass on the Jedi, the Dark Lord adopts the Jedi's young son, because that's what Dark Lords of the Sith do.


Vader raises this boy as his secret apprentice and trains him to become a formidable warrior. He even gives the guy an equally formidable name. Behold, Dark Jedi Knight Starkiller rampages throughout the galaxy in search of hidden Jedi who were too dumb to hide their whereabouts. Starkiller was apparently too damn sexy for mainstream audiences and ultimately dies at the hands of Darth Sidious after a bizarre twist of Shyamalanian proportions.

Here's looking at you kid

Episode IV: Skywalkers and the Giant Planet Gun

Skip ahead a couple of years and the next time we officially see Vader is onboard Leia's ship, choking the life out of some poor rebel sap who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He fails to retrieve the plans to the Death Star no thanks to Leia's quick thinking. "Stuff it in the droid!" she says, before shooting R2 off to Tatooine.

Grand Moff Tarkin, aka Skeletor tries to extract some info out of Leia through the use of subtle mindfucking, and destroys Alderaan in the process. Forget torture, let's do this Tarkin style and obliterate and entire plane, just for kicks.

Vader's earlier designs didn't bode too well with the oppressed

Vader then battles his former mentor and ally Alec Guinness, who fights less like a Jedi and more like Benny Hill with an umbrella. After some cheap taunts by the sullen Jedi, Vader slices him a new one and the old bugger disappears into thin air like a good bag of weed. Vader seems mildly surprised at this spectacle, almost as if he was expecting a fountain of blood to shoot out from under Alec's bathrobe.

During the bombardment of the Death Star, Vader hops inside his own fighter and joins the fray. Just as he's about shoot Luke's X-Wing, Han Solo shows up ( on a jetpack ) and fires at Vader sending the Dark Lord's ship barrelling through space. Luke then blows up the Death Star and everyone's happy, except Vader who's still barrelling through space.

Episode V: Daddy's Little Jedi

Vader sends a bunch of probe droids across the galaxy in search of this Luke Skywalker fella. One lands on the icy planet of Hoth, which just so happens to be the rebels icy base of operations. So after a quick invasion, the Empire destroys the shield generators and captures the base. Vader then flies over to Cloud City and blackmails Lando, and waits silently for Han and the gang. He even prepared lunch but Han being the wanker that he is, shoots Vader. They didn't get any chow that day. This shitty move earned Han a one way ticket to the carbonite factory.

His sense of humor was as legendary as his mastery over the Force.


Luke arrives at Cloud City much later, and engages Vader in a fierce duel. After a quick one sided fight in the depths of the carbonite factory, Vader decides to introduce Luke to the horrid sensation of losing his primary masturbation tool. What followed next became one of the most memorable WTF moment in Star Wars lore, right up there with sibling incest and Ewoks. Luke escapes and Vader returns to supervising the reconstruction of the Death Star.

Episode VI: The Return of the Giant Planet Gun

A lot of stuff happens between Luke's escape from Cloud city and the battle on Endor, but I'll just pretend not to give a crap, primarily to save myself the embarrassment of having Star Wars knowledge on par with the fat kid next door who dresses like Leia every Halloween.


Basically, Vader meets Luke again, this time on the new Death Star and in the presence of Sidious. Luke and Vader have a quick skirmish and Vader learns of Luke's twin sister. Then he gets his hand chopped off. ( recurring theme? Hmm? ) Sidious tries to influence Luke to kill his father, but Luke takes the high road and declares himself a true Jedi. Sidious then flips out and bombards Luke with force lightning but is later interrupted by a 1000ft drop into oblivion. Vader saves the day and dies as Anakin Skywalker, although he will forever be known as that runt who killed off the Jedi.

Misc

Lighsaber Combat Skills

In the Star Wars Universe, there are seven main types of lightsaber combat forms; Shi Cho, Makashi, Soresu, Ataru, Shien/Djem So, Niman and Juyo/Vaapad. Despite sounding like the line up of a pre-teen Asian boy band, these are actual forms utilized by different Jedi Masters. Anakin himself was an accomplished practitioner of Shien, which is ancient Mandarin for 'uber laser blocking kickass hack n' slash' and Djem So, which means 'more of the same except better'.

Social Skills

Non whatsoever. Vader is a total recluse and introvert, and spends most of his time alone in his giant Pokeball listening to AFI and watching Desperate Housewives.

Force Powers

Force Choke
As Lord Vader, Annie was quite fond of force choking the shit out of people who got in the way, going as far as choking his own Admirals. There's no evidence as to why he preferred it over the proverbial bolt of lightning, but we speculate it has something to do with convenience.

Force choke + minion = insane ragdoll physics

Force Telekinesis
The ability to move objects using the force. Luke Skywalker knows this well, having been on the receiving end of numerous inanimate objects.

Force Strength
Vader supposedly used the force to enhance his strength in a fight, as he's seen lifting Darth Sidious over his head and tossing him into the conveniently located pit of death. ( who designs these ships anyway? ) Of course, it could also be argued that Vader used his normal strength seeing as Sidious was the equivalent of Montgomery Burns to begin with.

Equipment and Vehicles

Suit of Armor
Being a dark lord of the Sith comes with its perks. Unlike the pussy Jedi with their bathrobes, Vader wore a jet black suit of mechanical whoopass outfitted with the latest in Sith technology.


GPS
How else do you think he got around his star destroyer? Or the Death Star? It's not like those Imperial corridors have directional signs. State of the art GPS allowed the Dark Lord to hone in on the nearest cantina for a snack.

Infrared Sensors
Navigating through the ship is one thing, trying not to fall into one of the millions of chasms and architectural hazards is another obstacle. That's why crew members are fitted with an infrared sensor that detects a decrease in elevation and gives off an appropriate warning, like a yelp or a buzz or a sexy moan. Except the Storm Troopers, because we like to believe that being a Dark Lord of the Sith is somewhat stressful, and Vader has found other uses for the cannon fodder of the Imperial army.

More soothing than an oil massage by a hot Twi'lek



Lightsaber
Throughout the course of his life, Vader has used a number of different lightsabers. The sabers differed in their core designs, but no one knows for sure since no one has been close enough to Vader's crotch and lived to tell the tale. Paris Hilton came close but she was too preoccupied to notice the lightsaber.

Doubles as a flashlight, because power outages were common on the Death Star


Vehicles
The Super Star Destroyer 'Executor'. Imagine the average Star Destroyer, combined with Optimus Prime and Voltron, and pimped out minus the transforming and bling. This is not just your everyday Destroyer, but a 'super' Destroyer, which probably means it's got more weapons of mass destruction than Kim Jong Il could stuff up his ass. This is the flagship of the Dark Lord; the one that strikes fear into the hearts of the enemies, and makes Admiral Ackbar wet his pants. Later brought down by a wayward X-Wing. Go figure.



Vader also used a smaller transport shuttle, but it pales in comparison to the Executor so I'm going to omit it from this article. No sissy ships please.

With that said, being a Dark Lord isn't easy; meddling Jedi, political pressure and rebellious children are just some of the obstacles of everyday space sparing life. Yet despite his failures as a father, a husband and a responsible citizen altogether, Vader managed to keep his head high above everyone else, and still have the time to be the coolest 'muthafucka' this side of Tatooine. Damn straight, Windu.