Marlon Brando

In his early career Marlon Brando was considered to be the greatest actor alive, towards the end he was considered to be the fattest man alive.

Just The Facts

  1. Regarded as the greatest actor of all time.
  2. Notoriously hard to work with, often refusing to read scripts.
  3. He loved money.
  4. No, he literally had sex with money.
  5. Brando had a career that spanned over 6 decades.
  6. Only two of those are worth remembering.


Brando in the Movies:

A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

In what was only his second movie Brando rose to critical acclaim for his role as a brutal man who hates his sister in law. The audience said "Look at the talent, give him the Oscar", the Academy responded by awarding every member of the cast besides Brando.

In his younger days Brando was actually capable of sweating.

Viva Zapata! (1952)

Brando smeared some shoe polish in his face and put on his best Mexican accent for the role as Mexican revolutionary hero Emiliano Zapata. The audience said "Give the man an Oscar", the Academy responded with a "Nah" and gave it to Gary Cooper.

"The master would not approve."

Julius Ceasar (1953)

Brando played Mark Anthony in this dime-a-dozen adaptation of William Shakespeare's play by the same name. Unfortunately the third time was not the charm for Brando who once again got stood up when it was time to hand out awards.

"What? Again."

The Wild One (1953)

Brando took a break from making award harvesting movies to make this movie about two motorcycle gangs having a dick measuring brawl in a small town. It faced a young Brando against a beard sporting, cigar munching Lee Marvin, so while it may not be Brando's best movie it's probably his coolest.

We're totally riding these motorcycles.

On the Waterfront (1954)

Brando plays a boxer turned bum who has to stand up to a corrupt union boss. The audience said "Will you give him the Oscar now? Will you give him the Oscar now? Will you give him the Oscar now?", the Academy said "Shut up already" and gave him the Oscar.

Coincidentally no one has seen Bob Hope since 1954.

Sayonara (1957)

In this Korean war drama Brando plays a Major who is opposed to American soldiers dipping their pens in Japanese ink, until he tries it himself. There was probably some deeper meaning to it, but we didn't pay that much attention. This also got Brando his last Oscar nomination in 15 years.

"It feels strange, yet good at once."

Brando outside the Movies:

Brando originally started out as a theater actor, but since no one had made it big as a theater actor since the 1500's he eventually drifted into movies and got his film debut in 1950, with the war veteran drama The Men. With his film debut Brando introduced method acting into Hollywood, or at least made it more know. While acting teacher Lee Strasberg is often co-credited for the introduction of method acting Brando later called Strasberg a talentless exploiter and refused to acknowledge that there even was such a thing a method acting.

"Method what?"

The decade also brought Brando his first Oscar, and his only acceptances speech. 1957 became an important year for Brando, he had his biggest box-office success to date with Sayonara, it also turned out to be Brando's last box-office success for quite some time. Off the screen he married actress Anna Kashfi in 1957 and together they had a son, Christian Brando, who would later earn himself some fame. Before the decade was over he had also managed to divorce her ass.


Brando in the Movies:

Mutiny on the Bounty (1962)

Brando put on one of the worst accents in movie history for this remake of the classic 1935 movie. He also gained heavy criticism for driving the movies budget trough the roof making it impossible for it to collect at the box office, and ending Brando's run as a superstar, for a decade. Since there was no talk of awards Brando awarded himself by knocking up one of his female co-stars.

"I might have a British accent, but it's not my upper lip that's stiff."

Brando outside the Movies:

Brando started the decade with his directional debut and followed it with the mentioned Mutiny on the Bounty remake, Brando drove the budget for both movies trough the roof and together they killed the remains of his reputation and box-office draw. Turning him into a Nicolas Cage of 60's.

On the more personal front Brando re-married with actress Movita, who played the love interest in the original Mutiny on the Bounty, and had two children with her. Before divorcing her in order to marry actress Tarita, who played the love interest in the remake of Mutiny on the Bounty, and had two children with her, and a third out side of their marriage. Brando was also a big supporter of the Civil Rights movement in the 60's. He participated in the march on Washington, supported JFK's presidential campaign and was a great admirer of Martin Luther King Jr.

"Black power."


Brando in the Movies:

The Godfather (1972)

Brando beat out almost every other middle aged actor in Hollywood for the out sought role as the mafia Don, Vito Corleone in this adaptation of Mario Puzo's novel The Godfather. Strangely popular role considering he spends most of his time behind a desk or in a bed mumbling something about family and respect. When it was released everybody called it the greatest movie of all time, and it won Brando his second Oscar.

"You said there would be capicola."

Last Tango in Paris (1972)

In this movie, that featured a lot less dancing than the title would suggest, Marlon Brando successfully ruined both sex and butter for everybody who saw it, and received an Academy Award nomination for it.

Rated R for scenes of extreme horror

Superman (1978)

Brando's love for money became obvious when he received a baffling, and at the time record high, 14 million dollars for his 10 minute role as Superman's father. But to be fair no one is ever going to take you serious again after appearing in a movie that includes changing the earth's rotation to turn back time. So what was 10 minutes on screen was also the end of Brando's career as a serious actor, and the beginning of his project to turn himself into a human whale.

"With great power comes shitloads of money."

Apocalypse Now (1979)

Probably the prime example of how hard Brando could be to work with. He refused to read the script, nor the source novel, demanded 1 million dollars in advance, turned up drunk on set, refused to be filmed from the waist down so people wouldn't know how fat he had become, and preferred to spend his time throwing coconuts at Francis Ford Coppola rather than actually working on the movie. After the movie Brando retired from movies, for almost a decade.

"The hunger...the hunger..."

Brando outside the Movies:

Brando started of the decade by getting divorced, and followed it by making yet another movie nobody saw. Then he won the title role in The Godfather which again put him on the box-office top for the first time in 15 years. He also won another Oscar for the movie, but when he was going to receive it he instead sent a native American actress to refuse it and tell the white man to go eat a bowl of dicks.*

He the made box-office top again with Last Tango in Paris, but when his next movie The Missouri Breaks did poorly with both critics and viewers he decided to stop taking lead roles and just phone in supporting roles for ridiculously large amounts of money.

* Not in those exact words.


Brando in the movies:

A Dry White Season (1989)

Brando made a comeback in this apartheid drama that no one remembers, including us. For the last time he got an Oscar nomination, but by the time of the award show no one remembered that the movie was even nominated.

"Did we make a movie together?"

"I have no idea."

Brando outside the Movies:

Brando started the decade with giving his, at the time, worst performance in what was his, at the time, worst movie The Formula. After the complete and utter failure of the movie Brando decided to retire. A retirement that last a full 9 years, until he returned to the screen with the mentioned apartheid drama.

On the personal front it was also a quiet decade for Brando who actually managed to neither get married nor divorced anyone. He did however knock up his maid, an activity that he would continue to due, and together they had their first child, his 7th in total.

"Wanna make some kids?"

"Sure, why not."


Brando in the Movies:

Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (1992)

Brando got top billing and 5 million dollars for just as many seconds of screen time in this critical and financial disaster about Columbus discovery of America. Brando laughed all the way to the bank, and all the way from the bank to the nearest McDonald's.

"Something, something, something, God. May I have my millions now?"

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

Brando played the less mad of two insane scientist trying to develop a human-animal hybrid in what was the worst movie of his career. To make that statement unquestionable, Val Kilmer played the other scientist. Brando spent most of his screen time looking like your grandma and chilling with his oddly coloured dwarf, a performance that earned him a Razzie award for worst supporting actor.

"Can you see that dwarf too, or am I going insane?"

Brando outside the Movies:

The 90's was maybe the worst decade of Brando's career, he started a friendship with Johnny Depp, made two movies with him and called him the greatest actor of his generation, but other than that it was pretty bleak. There was the movies mentioned above that both earned him some Razzie Award nominations. One of which he won, beating Burt Reynold's only by a single vote.

Moustache, moustache, moustache.

Personally the decade was even more disastrous for Brando. He had become extremely fat over the years and was suffering from diabetes. That did however not stop him from knocking up his maid two more times. Remember Christian Brando? The son that got some fame of his own, well he got it when he went ahead and shot his half-sister's boyfriend dead. While Christian Brando was sentenced to 10 years in prison his half-sister, Cheyenne, never got over it and committed suicide in 1995.

The One We're In Right Now

Brando in the Movies:

The Score (2001)

Brando played the money man behind a professional thief in this film that turned out to be Brando's last movie before his death. During the making of it he walked around naked on the set between takes, making sure he would forever live on in the nightmares of everyone who worked on 'The Score'.

"Could you please put some pants on?"

Brando outside the Movies:

The final decade of his life only produced one role for Brando. While he was offered several parts he had to turn them down due to his poor state of health, he had a bad heart and was going blind because of his diabetes. Amongst the roles he turned down was Christopher Walken's role in Man on Fire, and a cameo in Scary Movie 2. So ironically what eventually caused his death also saved him from a fate worse than death. In the summer of 2004 Brando died of respiratory failure.

After his death Brando has managed to reprise his role as Jor-El in both Superman Returns and Richard Donner's re-cut version of Superman II. His son Christian was able to get back into the spotlight after his fathers death, this time for spousal abuse, and passed away only 4 years after his father. Now the Brando family legacy rests on Brando's grandson, the son of Cheyenne and her murdered boyfriend, and model Tuki Brando.

"I'm to sexy for my hat, oh, so sexy it hurts."