Flight Attendants

Ah, trolley dollies. A taste of elegance, style and complete contempt at 7 miles up.

Hey - I am a slow genius

Just The Facts

  1. Be nice to them, Or they'll leave you on the plane after an "incident"
  2. Flight attendants are getting older. Now instead of eye candy serving your meal, you have your mother telling you to finish your vegetables.
  3. Don't even think about it!

The History

The first recorded flight attendant was on the Zeppelin LZ10, in 1911. It was a hard, tough time, with appropriately hard, tough stewards. He is still apparently flying for Delta.

No Ticket? You are so gone.

The Imperial Airways position of cabin boys, created in 1920, spawned a host of jokes which have lasted to the present day. Mainly calling stewards Roger.

If you get that - you are too damned old to be reading Cracked.

Female flight attandants, originally nurses hired to deal with passengers who simple could not cope with travelling at 70 miles per hour, 500 feet in the air, have had to take on many new responsibilities. Mainly the responsibility to look after the passengers and flight deck while looking alluring.

It's called the cockpit for a reason.

The Image vs The Reality

We'll hear no more shit against the 70s

Image: Flying is supposed to be glamorous.

Reality: Fugly uniforms, and permanent gas.

Image: Flight attendants are easy

Reality: Yeah, pretty much. Just hard to impress.

8 Simple Rules for Passengers

Rule 1: Flight attendants are not toys. Well, some of the men are, but they will let you know during the flight. They all, however, like to flirt.

Rule 2: The implants your stewardess is showing off are not emergency floatation devices. No grabbing, even in an emergency.

Rule 3: Wait your fucking turn! While you are whining about one too few icecubes in your water, the starving guy at the back of the cabin is getting ready to kill someone. And you won't be going near him, will you.

Rule 4: Sit down and fasten your seatbelt when told. All flight attendants are trained in teapot combat.

Rule 5: Clean up after joining the Mile High club. Condoms play hell with the plumbing so wrap 'em and bin 'em.

Rule 6: Always return the pen you borrowed. We really cannot stress this enough.

Rule 7: Flight Attendants are paid to be polite to you. They don't care about your life story.

Rule 8: They are the ones who are actually trained to get you out in an emergency. Pay attention. If you hear the captain say a phrase along the lines of "senior attendant to the flight deck" - it isn't an orgy, its trouble.

Essential Equipment for Flight Attendants

So, you fancy having a go at the job, do you? You'll need some extra equipment that the training doesn't tell you about.

  • Support tights - optional for women, mandatory for the "men"
  • Mace - you'll need it, trust us.
  • Pens - lots of em.
  • A simple understanding of time zones.
  • Inexhaustable patience.
  • A familiarity with fighting Japanese tentacle monsters.
  • No fear of snakes
  • The ability to run a multimedia entertainment system that puts the flight controls to shame.