How To Be A Waitress

Whether it's a truck stop serving $2 breakfasts or a strip bar selling $2 dollar drinks, waitresses can be seen using these two simple techniques to get those precious, lint caked wads of ones they work so hard for.

Just The Facts

  1. Aside from low self-esteem, cleavage is a waitresses most prominent feature.
  2. As a waitress, your opinion = less $.

Show as much cleavage as possible.

Cleavage is possibly the most important weapon of any waitress in her quest for that life sustaining pocket change. Seeing as the customers are sitting down and almost always eye level with your milk silos and looking up is just too much work , your cleavage kind of becomes your temporary face, therefore, you need to make sure your visual appetizers are as presentable as possible.

If you have considerable cleavage, make sure to use a push up bra, preferably one that covers just enough to not land you a public indecency charge. Try to find one that's completly in contrast with what your uniform is so that it can be seen through your shirt atleast from across the room, if not from the parking lot.

For those of you who are less blessed in the breasts, your best bet is to masquerade as a guy, but don't worry! Men tend to make a dollar for every 75 cents a woman makes, so you should still do fine.

But wait! Breasts aren't just there to help judge a waitresses worth. They also double as a variety of useful tools! For instance, have a drink that won't fit on the platter? Have your sweater kittens carry it! Forgot your money case? Use them as a tip jar! And let's not forget, your wiener barns make a great conversation shortener when it comes to talkative customers.

With breasts the possibilities are endless.

Save your life story for the suicide hotline.

Waitresses are supposed to be attentive and helpful, but remember, aside from the ordering process, waitresses are to be seen, not heard. As most women are, you may be inclined to give your opinion on conversation you overhear. Remember, just like outside the workplace, this is frowned upon, and should be avoided if at all possible.

There will be times however, where you might find yourself pulled into a conversation that doesn't just require you to write down a fake phone number. Don't worry though, these conversations usually won't require you to take part too much, but just in case, here are a few suggestions on what you should do.

Laugh. At Everything.

More often then not if the patrons are male then the only reason they'll be saying anything to you is either to use a crappy pickup line or a stolen George Carlin joke. I specify George Carlin jokes because it's a proven fact that George Carlin jokes are the most widely stolen in the U.S., quickly followed by Dave Chappelle jokes. In fact, most of the time if your table is all male you won't even have to bother listining to what they say, just laugh at every sentence that doesn't include "funeral", "divorce", or "botched brain surgery" and be sure to give them your best "I'm twenty bucks away from fucking you all retarded" smile and you should do fine.

Never, under any circumstances though, should you say the phrase "That's funny" after laughing. Most guys tend to find this extremely irratating as it was already apparent that it was funny when you laughed and gives them the opinion that you might be too much of a good thing, good thing in this case meaning vapid whore. Also, it usually sets the bullshit detectors off immediately and pretty much dooms you to a three percent tip that smells like swamp ass, or if it's a check, then atleast with a streak mark on it.