Daniel Craig

Daniel Craig is IAN FLEMING'S JAMES BOND 007. Also, he will rip your spinal cord out and beat you to death with it.

WHO SHIT IN MY CORNFLAKES?

Just The Facts

  1. Daniel Craig is a British actor most famous for his portrayal of secret agent James Bond and being a total badass.
  2. He has also done excellent work in the films Layer Cake, Road to Perdition, Munich and Defiance, among others.
  3. No one has seen these films because they were too busy bitching about a blonde Bond.

Cracked on Daniel Craig

Early Life

Nobody cares.

Acting Career Sans Bond

Daniel Craig became familiar with most Americans in the craptastic movie Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, opposite Angelina Jolie, and that's the only time we will ever mention Tomb Raider again (Trust us, it sucked). His next film, however, was Road to Perdition, and while only 4 people saw it, this film was much better and actually won a few awards. Layer Cake, released in 2004, showed Craig doing what he did best: shooting dudes in the face.

Bang

BOOM. Headshot.

Layer Cake was closely followed by Munich, a film about the Munich Olympic massacre and the Israeli response, which was to get Daniel Craig and Eric Bana to blow up terrorists (and shoot them in the face).

No Daniel, you can't just "cap them and run".

Defiance, released recently in 2008, finds Craig as a Jewish resistance fighter during Word War II, who hides in the woods while shooting Nazis in the face.

He also chokes out Sabretooth for some reason

As James Bond

After the shitfest that was Die Another Day, many Bond fans wondered where the franchise could go next (how do you top motherfucking space? An invisible car, that's how). So when the announcement was made that the series was returning to its roots with original author Ian Fleming's Casino Royale, many Bond fans were confused. Wasn't Casino Royale Fleming's first book? But wouldn't that make Pierce Brosnan too ol-- Ohhhhh... The search for a new Bond was on. The speculation ran the gambit from awesome (Clive Owen, Eric Bana), to pants-shittingly terrifying, like Jamie McMahon and Gerard Butler (if you don't know why that would be bad, there's always Wikipedia. If you're still confused, please die). After months of name dropping and rumors the new Bond would be a black midget with a hook hand, Daniel Criag was revealed to be the new Bond. Some fans were outraged at the fact that the new Bond had blond hair and blue eyes, but these were most likely the same fans that thought A View To A Kill was a god idea.

Fantastic.

The choice of Craig as Bond reached it's fever pitch with the creation of (and we're not making this up) danielcraigisnotbond.com, a place for those who couldn't accept the fact that the new Bond had been handpicked by several top EON executives, and endorsed by no less than God Sean Connery himself. After all, people generally gamble huge multi-billion dollar franchises on a lark, right?

Casino Royale

Can you, you know, give us a second? fap fap fap fap Okay, now that that's out of the way, we can try to describe how tent-pitchingly amazing this film is. Just watch the trailer.

Above: the boring parts of the movie.

The trailer for the film failed to mention that every part not shown was pretty much 8 million times more badass than the actual trailer. Audiences everywhere were stunned at the sight of Bond being a badass, a sight not seen since Sean Connery's Bond choked out some poor bastard in Diamonds Are Forever.

Diamonds Are Forever

You're mine, bitch.

Though the movie was basically the second coming of Christ for long-time Bond fans, those same fans saw some fuck ups, namely with the placement of the famous gun barrel sequence. But in the grand scheme of things none of this matters, because this was the opening of a glorious revitalization of Bond, right?

Quantum of Solace

Fuck.

Where do we start? First off, Quantum of Solace is not a terrible movie, it is merely average, but following Casino Royale with Quantum of Solace is like following The Godfather with Hot Fuzz. One is great and gripping, the other is merely average, and it doesn't get any better the second time around. This leads us to the primary problem with the film: Marc fucking Forster.

Douche

Get him.

For anyone who saw Casino, it was brilliantly apparent that Forster took everything from the Bourne series that sucked (shaky cam, terrible plot, spoonfed dialogue) and took out everything that was good (Oh, we don't know...THE JAMES BOND ELEMENTS?). We're not joking. What follows is a paraphrased exchange from the film.

Random mook: I'm sure glad we have these fuel cells powering our evil eco-hotel.

More Important mook: I hope these fuel cells aren't explosive, you know, hypothetically speaking.

Three minutes later Bond blows the building up with said fuel cells

The fuck? Forster, we don't need you to spoon feed us every little thing. A "Danger, Highly Combustible" sticker would have sufficed. Which brings us to the symbolism. Marc Forster feels that if he rips off older, infinitely better films he will excite all the Bond nerds. Listen: nobody cares. All the pointless symbolism does is distract and confuse the audience. The bad guys had no reason to cover her in oil, it was water they were after. And so it goes on and on, pissing away all of the audience goodwill that was gained with Casino Royale.

In conclusion:

Daniel Craig is a bad ass, and Marc Forster is a talentless fuckstick.