The Douchebag

Douchebags are a very contradiction of themselves. They are complex,yet extremely simple. .

Proof that douchebags are not self aware. Clearly this man has allowed a porcupine to mate with his scalp.

Just The Facts

  1. Douchebags are extremely identifiable, by their loudness and STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES!
  2. Douchebags avoid open flames to prevent their spray tans from catching fire.
  3. Douchebags prefer extreme climates such as the concentrated stank of New Jersey. (Like Cockroaches)

Douchebags Through the Ages.

In all fairness, this article has been centered around the modern douchebag. You have to understand throughout the existence of mankind, society has always known douchebags.

Let's start from the begining, The B.C. Douchebag

Right after we all crawled out of the see on our flippers, and right before we started riding goats to places, there exists the B.C. douchebag. He's the kind of caveman would club your wench with his chickenbone and drag her back to his cave. The kind of guy who would neither hunt nor gather. (The Audacity!) He would just sit around all day and fashion stupid sunglasses out of palm leaves and challenge cave drawings to arm wrestling competitions. So here is where humans came to know our second closest neighbors to apes, douchebags.

33 B.C.-1 A.D.- Douchebags in the Holy Land.

Like it our not, douchebags have wienered their way into the bible. If you remember, the bible was when Jesus happened. He cast the dinosaurs back into the oceans and promised to return again to man kind with jet-packs and lightning. But, if you also remember, Jesus was born in a manger. A barn! Why you ask? because of some douchebag Best Western manager.

900-1400 A.D The Dark Ages.

The age wherein douchebaggery became a form of government. Santa became angry with us for adopting such a cruel ideology. He sent us a black plague to punish us. Enter douchebag. Historians agree that the cause of the rapid spread of the plague was not because of the infected rats, but because of the douchebag who goes around coughing on everybody's food.

1450-1550 A.D. The Renaissance Douchebag

While DaVinci was going around inventing helicopters and Mecha-Godzilla, The Renaissance douchebags were hard at work perfecting their stupid sunglasses and donkey manure hair products. While Michelangelo was sculpting the statue of david, the douchebags just stood around and made fun of his penis.

1590-1790 A.D. The Colonial Douchebag

This is the kind of settler who would eat all the hard tack on the mayflower then resuse to sign the compact because he gained weight. When ashore, (After carving his penis into the nearest tree), he would go out of his way to learn the Naitive American tounge just to say he wanted to bang Squanto's daughter.

1980-Present- The Modern Douchebag

Well, now you know the general pattern of douchebag behavior, you can infer what the modern douchebag will do. Steroids, 5 too many popped collars and habitual drinking of shitty alcohol will no doubt land you with a sure-fire douchebag. But, we wonder, if history if doomed to repeat itself...

Present to robots- The FUTURE of Douchebaggery!

When we get the inevitable colony going on the moon, one just assumes douchebags will be right there with us, tapping on our space helmets like the retarded kid at an aquarium. Now, if we learned anything from the martix besides that Keanu Reeves is the MAN, is that robots will eventually become giant squids that want to kill Lawrence Fishbourn. You know what that means? Douchebag robots.

Ok, Fine

Alright you have cracked on douchebags, but after saying that pertictular word 27 times, we stil havent givin you the straight definition.

Read that mess. We would tell you ourselves, but it's oogie.