Birth Control

Birth control is a catch-all term for humanity's never ending efforts to sow wild oats while at the same term ensuring a crop failure, if you get our drift.

If you have received one of these, you're not using birth control correctly. But so cute!

Just The Facts

  1. Birth control methods of various kinds have been in use for thousands of years.
  2. Many of them have been really, really gross.
  3. Seriously. Like shoving crocodile poo up the vagina gross.

Cracked on Birth Control Myths

There are many different myths regarding birth control. These range from the relatively innocuous (do it standing up), to the stupid (douche with Coke!) to the incredibly dangerous (no one ever gets pregnant at Satanist biker gang bangs).

History has many examples of incredibly stupid attempts at birth control. For example, ancient Chinese women sometimes drank mercury after having sex. While this may possibly act as an abortifacient, mercury is an incredibly deadly poison. Just being around it day after day was enough to drive hatters (who frequently used mercury) insane. This happened so often that it lead to the phrase "mad as a hatter." Strangely, the phrase "Crazy as a sexually active ancient Chinese woman" has never caught on.

It doesn't stop there however. People have tried virtually everything there is to try. Even magical weasel testicles (see History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives).

There have also been less stupid attempts made to invent birth control devices. By less stupid, we mean they weren't based on magical weasel parts. They still didn't work (see 6 "World-Changing" Inventions (That Didn't Change Shit))

Even more ridiculous than any of these, though, is an idea popular with several varieties of idiot. Have you ever heard someone say that we shouldn't give away condoms in high schools, because it would encourage teenagers to have sex? Of course you have. Perhaps you yourself even believe. In which case, we at Cracked have a newsflash for you:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ENCOURAGE ANYONE, AND WE MEAN ANYONE, TO HAVE SEX. ESPECIALLY TEENAGERS, THE FILTHY LITTLE HORMONE ADDLED BUGGERS.

The problem, in fact, lies in getting any of the half-evolved monkeys that form our species to stop having sex for five minutes. We'll do it anywhere, even in the pages of religious texts (see The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible)).

The Future of Birth Control

Currently, most forms of birth control focus on the female reproductive system. The only notable exceptions are condoms and not having sex. Men have never been very fond of either option. However, researchers around the world are now showing us the way towards the future. A horrible, humanity-free future.

2011 -- The male hormonal contraceptive passes major clinical trials and is approved for use in a number of countries. It's administered in the form of a patch, cream, or implant, but the media repeatedly refers to it as "the male pill" anyway. The public swiftly follows suit. This is essentially the same trick they used to get us to stop saying "institutionalized racism" and start saying "criminal justice system" instead.

2016 -- The FDA approves the sale of the male pill in early December. Wingnuts from the religious right are completely silent, even though they all swore up and down that the birth control pill for women would bring about the end of civilization and cause the extinction of the human race itself. Not one person is even slightly surprised that they don't seem to give a shit about it this time around.

Later that same year, a spokesperson for the men's rights movement issues a statement saying that the new male contraceptive will "free men from the oppressive gynocracy that permeates our society." He is later beaten to death by a group of women wielding disproportionately small paychecks.

2017 -- Sales of the male contraceptive are lukewarm throughout the first part of the year. In early March, a Las Vegas cocktail waitress claims Tiger Woods fathered her child. Woods had previously been involved in two sex scandals. The first was in 2009 when a bunch of women revealed that Woods had sex with them, and Elin Nordegren revealed that her reaction to emotional upset was to throw a violent tantrum. The second was in 2010, when Woods unveiled his foolproof plan to treat his sex addiction: getting a divorce. In any case, Woods denies the paternity allegation, issuing the following public statement:

"I didn't father that woman's baby, and I haven't fathered any children at all in years. I take my responsibilities seriously. I used to depend on condoms, but I recently got a prescription for the male pill. It's not really a pill at all, by the way. It's a sort of cream that you rub in. I'm sort of getting off topic here, but I'd like to point out that if I wasn't on birth control, there would be a whole lot more one quarter black, one quarter Chinese or something, and one half whatever (I don't play favorites) babies running around. What with all the fucking I do and all. And believe me, it's a lot."

This speech finally convinces Nike to drop Woods as its spokesperson. He is immediately offered a lucrative contract to endorse male contraceptive products. He signs with the words "Fuck yeah!" and a drawing of a dong.

2018 -- Sales of the male oral contraceptive skyrocket. Worried parents begin putting their teenaged sons on the pill as a preventative measure. This is hailed as a major step forward by teen boys, who were sick and tired of the traditional way this had been accomplished (neutering).

2022 -- Stacy Ann Krapabskick of Passaic, N.J. spends three full hours complaining to her friend Judy about how her husband isn't interested in responsibility, hates hard, unrewarding work, and has no concrete plans for the future and shows no signs of ever making any. Judy nods sympathetically and says that her husband is the same way. This is enough encouragement for Stacy Ann to launch into her second complaint. She has been unable to conceive, even though she went off birth control three years ago and has insisted on daily sex ever since. Judy again nods sympathetically and mentions that she and her husband have the same "problem". Neither Judy nor Stacy Ann ever connects the dots, because they are stupid. Their husbands continue to meet for golf once a month, coincidentally at the course right next to the pharmacy.

2023 -- A bunch of other women who aren't that stupid start accusing their husbands of taking the pill in secret. The men insist that they're not on it, and in fact want children really, really badly. Really. After all, without children what is adult life but one long responsibility free booze-fueled motorcycle ride of sex, fun and adventure? What kind of crazy maniac would want that?

2037 -- People notice that birth rates have been falling steadily for the last 20 years. Some scientists insist that this could be due to a number of factors, such as estrogen-like compounds in the water, or maybe some sort of gypsy curse. The scientists who aren't male point out that these theories are dumb, and that a more likely explanation is that those other scientists are on the damn pill themselves.

2039 -- For the first time in history, the editors of Cosmopolitan replace the magazine's usual cover story (16 Sex Tips We Claim To Have Invented) with a new one (12 Ways to Trick Him Into Making Sperm).

2042 -- The Maury Povich show, deprived of the paternity accusations that made up the bulk of its material, instead starts showing episodes where one man tries to figure out which of seven women replaced his contraceptive cream with a compound of raw oysters and bull semen.

2046 -- The decline of pregnancies and childbirth is now undeniable. Disney closes down most of its operations because they are no longer profitable. Disney releases a statement saying that the company intends to "refocus on our core business of being evil."

2049 -- An aging President Woods appeals to the men who aren't on contraceptives to come forward for the good of the nation. Thousands of men heed the call to selflessly use their precious seed to impregnate as many women as will volunteer. Every single one is later found to be lying about not being on the pill.

2067 -- Jeffrey Neubacher, the last child to be born on Earth, turns 14. His father immediately procures for his son a subscription for male contraceptives, saying "No son of mine is going to have to go through the hell of having a son."

2152 -- The last person on Earth suddenly remembers that it's possible to make sperm out of stem cells. She decides to dedicate her life to repopulating the planet, until she remembers that she has been menopausal for decades. This depresses her for a couple of minutes, until she recalls the one thought that has sustained her all these years: she is technically the sole owner of several billion pairs of shoes.