6 million Jews were killed about 60 years ago. We now have the ability to serve you your ass on a platter.


Just The Facts

  2. I am a Jew.
  3. We have to cut off part of our dick


If you haven't read the Torah (you probably called it the Old Testament) here is the basic jist of it.

So G-d one day, out of nowwhere, said," We need some fuckin light up in this house"! Thus He created light and darkness. On the next day, He decided to create the sea and the sky for all the little fish. Then all the land animals were like," That's cool shit and all, but we can't swim all day." , and G-d decided to satisfy them by creating land. Then He realized on day four that He fucked up on the lighting and threw some stars, the moon, and the sun into the sky before everybody realized this. G-d went to sleep then woke up at midnight realizing that He was hearing voices and that there were no animals fish telling him what to do. So He spent the entire day making the fish and birds, but had to pull an all-nighter to make all the land animals (this explains the all those really annoying small dogs). He also invented the penis and vagina the next morning after he got some sleep (G-d REALLY didn't want to fuck that up). And on the seventh day He was all like,"Fuck this!" and gave up creating the earth.

Fast foward Abraham becomes the first Jew and G-d didn't tell him until after he became that he would need to cut off part of his dick. Yadayadayada, Moses, the most badass Jew of all, goes and fucks up Egypt until Pharroh says,"All right, I'll let your people, Bitch"! So the Jews go and get stuck at the Red Sea for a while. Meanwhile, Pharroh's like,"Fuck I shouldn't of done that and catches up to the Jews while they're trying to figure out what to do. All of the sudden G-d's like,"Fuck no!" and creates a flaming tornado to stall the army. Moses is feeling like a god and walks into the water and splits the sea. After all the Jews cross the sea, Pharroh and his army are still going through the split sea. Moses reunites the sea and p0wnz the entire army. Oh and he got the ten commandments.

At the end of the Torah, Moses dies. Then Jesus is born and he.... wait a minute.... nevermind fuck Jesus.