The Supreme Court

The Supreme Court of the United States is the highest judiciary body and the most important legal authority in the country. Here is their secret go-to chart for easy answers.

Just The Facts

  1. The youngest justice is 54-years old.
  2. Holy shit, old people are taking over.
  3. We can't let this happen.
  4. What should we do?

Know Your Justices

John Roberts

Current Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts has had to distinguish his career to overcome his incredibly bland name. Sworn in to office in 2005, Roberts is the youngest Supreme Court Justice currently serving and the only known Chief Justice in history to share a middle name with a video game (Glover).

Roberts is perhaps most widely known for fumbling over the word-order of the Presidential Oath while administering Obama's inauguration, promping him to re-do the swearing in the next day at the White House. It was the biggest "god fucking dammit" of his entire career.

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John Paul Stevens

John Paul Stevens is the longest-running and oldest Justice currently serving. At 89-years old, Stevens is also the oldest-functioning human alive. In fact he is so old that he attended the 1939 World Series at Wrigley Field in Chicago and got to witness Babe Ruth historically call his shot. Sporting a very moderately conservative voting record, he is noted for being the staunchest supporter of freedom of speech on the Supreme Court, and even began to reject legislation that would protect children from attaining pornographic material.

HELL YEAH JOHN PAUL STEVENS RULES

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Anthony Kennedy

Appointed to the Court by Ronald Reagan in 1988, Anthony Kennedy has been the Court's most frequent swing voter, meaning that in the case of ties, his opinion effectively decides the law.

So, in some not-so-uncommon cases, Kennedy can pretty much decide the law by himself. That's real power.

Damn.

He is one of the Court's most outspoken advocates on gay rights but also is opposed to extensive gun control. Other than that, the guy is pretty boring. Not much else to discuss here.

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Antonin Scalia

Blegh. Antonin Scalia is known as the least pleasant Supreme Court Justice for having a foul personality and is prone to temper tantrums.

He basically sucks.

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Clarence Thomas

Ahh fuck yeah. Clarence Thomas, only the second-ever African American appointed to the Court, is perhaps most well known for having the most badass expression out of any Justice currently serving.

The man just looks like he would lay the law down on your ass with a giant wrench. Don't mess with this guy.

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Ruth Bader-Ginsburg

Currently one of two bitch-ass women serving as a Justice, Bader-Ginsburg is also one of the few Jewish Justices on the Court, making her a ripe target for misogynist anti-Semites. But fuck those guys 'cause they're assholes. Anyways, Bader-Ginsburg has spent a majority of her historic career fighting for equal rights among women and men and was chosen to swear-in Al Gore for his second term as Vice President.

She is also known for having an unfortunate health record. In 1999, her colon decided to be a rebel and got cancer. 'Cause her colon is an asshole (or at least close to one). But Bader-Ginsburg won and didn't miss a day on the bench during her treatment. In early 2009, she underwent surgery related to a possibly cancerous tumor on her pancreas and is currently back in full swing.

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Stephen Breyer

Stephen Breyer is one of the more liberal Justices currently serving on the Court today.

Um.

He wrote a book called Active Liberty. Yeah.

Ok, next Justice. We got nothing on this guy.

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Samuel L. Jackson Alito

Yeah, we had to resort to a Dinosaur Comics joke with this guy. It doesn't even make any sense. Whatever. There is nothing overtly notable about Alito, just that he is one of the more conservative members of the Court and he kind of looks like Stephen Colbert when he wears glasses.

So yeah, Alito is pretty cool we guess. Nothing majorly cool but nothing majorly retarded either.

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Sonia Sotomayor

Sonia Sotomayor is the newest member of the Court, having been nominated by Obama after the resignation of David Souter. In case you couldn't tell or anything, she is the third woman to be a Justice and is the first Hispanic person to ever be appointed, playing a vital role in Obama's "make history in every conceivable way" plan. Her nomination caused much controversy and some Republican members of Congress maintained that she was racist against white people.

No, she isn't, for the record.

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