The Supreme Court
The Supreme Court of the United States is the highest judiciary body and the most important legal authority in the country. Here is their secret go-to chart for easy answers.
Just The Facts
- The youngest justice is 54-years old.
- Holy shit, old people are taking over.
- We can't let this happen.
- What should we do?
Know Your Justices
John Roberts
Current Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts has had to distinguish his career to overcome his incredibly bland name. Sworn in to office in 2005, Roberts is the youngest Supreme Court Justice currently serving and the only known Chief Justice in history to share a middle name with a video game (Glover).
Roberts is perhaps most widely known for fumbling over the word-order of the Presidential Oath while administering Obama's inauguration, promping him to re-do the swearing in the next day at the White House. It was the biggest "god fucking dammit" of his entire career.
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John Paul Stevens
John Paul Stevens is the longest-running and oldest Justice currently serving. At 89-years old, Stevens is also the oldest-functioning human alive. In fact he is so old that he attended the 1939 World Series at Wrigley Field in Chicago and got to witness Babe Ruth historically call his shot. Sporting a very moderately conservative voting record, he is noted for being the staunchest supporter of freedom of speech on the Supreme Court, and even began to reject legislation that would protect children from attaining pornographic material.
HELL YEAH JOHN PAUL STEVENS RULES
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Anthony Kennedy
Appointed to the Court by Ronald Reagan in 1988, Anthony Kennedy has been the Court's most frequent swing voter, meaning that in the case of ties, his opinion effectively decides the law.
So, in some not-so-uncommon cases, Kennedy can pretty much decide the law by himself. That's real power.
Damn.
He is one of the Court's most outspoken advocates on gay rights but also is opposed to extensive gun control. Other than that, the guy is pretty boring. Not much else to discuss here.
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Antonin Scalia
Blegh. Antonin Scalia is known as the least pleasant Supreme Court Justice for having a foul personality and is prone to temper tantrums.
He basically sucks.
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Clarence Thomas
Ahh fuck yeah. Clarence Thomas, only the second-ever African American appointed to the Court, is perhaps most well known for having the most badass expression out of any Justice currently serving.
The man just looks like he would lay the law down on your ass with a giant wrench. Don't mess with this guy.
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Ruth Bader-Ginsburg
Currently one of two bitch-ass women serving as a Justice, Bader-Ginsburg is also one of the few Jewish Justices on the Court, making her a ripe target for misogynist anti-Semites. But fuck those guys 'cause they're assholes. Anyways, Bader-Ginsburg has spent a majority of her historic career fighting for equal rights among women and men and was chosen to swear-in Al Gore for his second term as Vice President.
She is also known for having an unfortunate health record. In 1999, her colon decided to be a rebel and got cancer. 'Cause her colon is an asshole (or at least close to one). But Bader-Ginsburg won and didn't miss a day on the bench during her treatment. In early 2009, she underwent surgery related to a possibly cancerous tumor on her pancreas and is currently back in full swing.
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Stephen Breyer
Stephen Breyer is one of the more liberal Justices currently serving on the Court today.
Um.
He wrote a book called Active Liberty. Yeah.
Ok, next Justice. We got nothing on this guy.
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Samuel L. Jackson Alito
Yeah, we had to resort to a Dinosaur Comics joke with this guy. It doesn't even make any sense. Whatever. There is nothing overtly notable about Alito, just that he is one of the more conservative members of the Court and he kind of looks like Stephen Colbert when he wears glasses.
So yeah, Alito is pretty cool we guess. Nothing majorly cool but nothing majorly retarded either.
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Sonia Sotomayor
Sonia Sotomayor is the newest member of the Court, having been nominated by Obama after the resignation of David Souter. In case you couldn't tell or anything, she is the third woman to be a Justice and is the first Hispanic person to ever be appointed, playing a vital role in Obama's "make history in every conceivable way" plan. Her nomination caused much controversy and some Republican members of Congress maintained that she was racist against white people.
No, she isn't, for the record.
Follow the author of this topic on Twitter: @alexfurlin
let me get this right, rolling through stop signs is less lethal than pirating music?
Replyyes she is
ReplyDisappointed to find that pirating music was on the chart. I don't like paying for music either, but if it "doesn't make sense" to you then there is probably no helping you.
ReplyI'm guessing they changed the title of this to "Why American Laws Don't Make Sense" so more people would read it. I did. What a waste of time!
ReplyDid anyone else notice 'this is being used as filler space'?
ReplyJohn Paul Stevens aka the unfortunate love child of Orville Redinbocker and Don Knotts.
ReplyNailed it, my friend. Looks closer to Orville though.
The chart was the best part. Everything else was blah! Sorry, dude.
ReplyHow is "Rolling through stop signs" more non-lethal than "Pirating music"?
ReplyI realized it's not on a scale, it's just by category. How else to explain the Joker's position?
That sodamayor person is like obama, no real experience and is just there for the "skin color wasn't there before" plan
ReplyIs it just me or does John Paul Stevens look a lot like Orville Redenbacher?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLol isn't that just strange...
You're obviously racist, like Obama.
Pretty sure that was Photoshop with Redenbacher's head.
So what side of the fence would Gary Busey prostituting himself fall on? And could we get him masturbating on the beach while wildly swinging a chainsaw around?
Replyyou know that's something Gary Busey does daily...
Did they mention the concept of Constitutional law at all?
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesI don't know. How about you read the f*****g article and then tell me.
Because it's retarded, like you?
Seriously, I did read it, up to the section on the Justices. Are you saying than in one of those biographies is a fair representation of Constitutional law? Are you? f**k off.
Um... why should there be a 'fair representation of Constitutional Law' in an article on a comedy website? Also, why would they have to include it in an article entitled 'Supreme Court'? Do you think there is nothing else the Supreme Court deals with or would you have felt better if they included every damn thing in a one-page article? Spoiler: Not possible
Do I think there is nothing else the Supreme Court deals with? Ah yes, seeing as that's their job. Is that a trick question of some sort? Or do you really not know anything about the Supreme Court? Writing about the Supreme Court and not mentioning Constitutional law, is like writing about the Mets and not mentioning baseball.
stop replying to your own comment, seriously...
Haha, no. I'll do whatever the f**k I want. I don't need permission from a dork like you.
YEAH BEAT IT NERD
I am not sticking up for epamphleteer who is a giant douche, but the link to get to this article was titled something like why American Laws Don't Make Much sense or something. empamphleteer at any time you could have stopped being a teabagging s******d and just explained a bit more why you thought there might be a just a bit more about the law making practice. I for one think the person who titles the links usually doesn't read the article (or in this case chart) before creating link. They are "just the highlights please type people" kind of like the artists who create coverpages for books they've never read.
i'm going to say this, so at least more people will learn somethig they probably never knew. while sotomayor is the first supreme court judge to publicly acknowledge her hispanic ethnicity, benjamin cordoza was the first supreme court judge of hispanic descent. he never publicly acknowledged it, but he did have hispanic ancestors close to him in his family tree.
ReplyWell, where else would he get a name like Cordoza, anyways?
Haha, just what I was thinking. And Chief Justice Goldbloom was probably pretty worried someone might find out he was Jewish (p.s. I made that justice up).
Weed should totally be legalized.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI mean, it's not like we don't already know everyone does it atleast once in college anyway.
And alcohol is way more damaging on your body than weed so seriously why is it still illegal?
Why is this the first comment I see?
You don't think the government has heard that argument several thousand times?
Weed became illegal in the first place because hemp production threatened the paper and textile industries. It is most likely still illegal because #1, there would be issues with those already in jail for dealing, and #2 because nearly half of all crimes are drug related, meaning lots of police jobs would have to be cut.
Weed is good against cancer
Keeping marijuana criminal is a (further) affront to freedom.
Because the Texans can't think of any other way to stop Mexicans from crossing the border. Don't you watch the crap that Micheal Moore pours out of his mouth on a semi-annual basis?
Yeah but all those cops that don't have jobs now could become weed dealers.
nice picture of scalia
Replythough you forgot to point out even his NAME sounds like he's a hard-ass m**********r
It was fun watching critics point out she's racist against white people with the most solid fact backing them up being "she's not white"
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesGood topic.
"a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life"
Yeah the womans kinda ignorant i have to say. Shes just playing the race card here. And id bet she didnt exactly arise from poverty if shes a Justice on the Court. But even if she had, shes saying thatd give her better decisionmaking skills, which is retarded
The one statement they always bring up wasn't even racist-- it was noting that there's a trend for white guys to make poor choices when it comes to dealing with situations in others' lives they've never experienced in any way, because for the most part, it's a sheltered life.
Aqua, she also upheld a ruling to give to unqualified 2 hispanic men a job as a fire fighter over 2 very qualified White Men. Basically the white men sued because they took away their chance at a job for fire fighting. They then sued the state, so sonia was asked for her ruling, which brings up that point.
Nice touch mocking everyone except for Sotomayor. Jesus, you even used a good picture if her.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesJP Stevens and Scalia also have nice pics. Scalia has the best one though.
I think Clarence Thomas had the best pic. 'Nuff said.
That JP one is Orville Redenbaucher
Lol at filler space. But I don't know much about life in the U.S., so I didn't get it.
ReplyLol at filler space. But I don't know much about life in the U.S., so I didn't get it.
ReplyI somehow expected a little more out of this one. If it wasn't for swaims episode today would be a total miss for cracked. Boooooooooooooooooooooo. I didn't even crack a smirk. Were you trying today?
Reply