Christ Wire

What happens when you take reasoning out of the religious? Christ Wire.

Just The Facts

  1. It is unknown whether or not Christ Wire is a stealth parody or serious.
  2. If the former, it's the most hilarious thing on the Internet (sorry, DOB).
  3. If the latter, then humanity truly is doomed.

Christ Wire's Mission

"Dear friends, we are living in cruel days. Evil hours. Yes, these are certainly dark times and it's time for the moral majority to once again step forward to bring freedom and liberty to the world.

Our culture was built on the guiding principles of conservatism and Christianity, from which all morality is born. As such American heritage was meant to be passed on from generation to generation, ensuring that our principles�our values�were never compromised.

But alas, the Left Wing Conspiracy and Liberal Agenda is spreading like a plague not only through our fine society, but through lesser cultures as well. Their sinful antics and attempt to pass off their wanton carnal desires into mainstream culture is destroying society and mankind.

That's where we come in. Together, in this community, you and your Moral Leaders will combat the evil liberals of this world and once again ensure that a bit of freedom and righteousness once again permeates every country, and let those who don't abide by our teachings know the eternal pit of hellfire shall be awaiting!


Jack Gould
Youth Pastor/Motivational Speaker
Langley CC"

If the likening of left-wing politics to a plague, the last sentence, and "Sincerely" didn't scare you enough, take a second look at Jack Gould's occupation: Youth Pastor. This guy teaches kids.

Cracked on Christ Wire

Christ Wire is's biggest rival on the Internet in terms of producing articles that make you laugh and shit your pants in fear at the same time. Christ Wire's ability to point out just about every person who's ever walked on this earth as a heretic is only matched by their ability to make hilarious (gasp) non-list-based articles.

There is only one thing seperating Cracked from Christ Wire (excluding the whole list thing): while everyone laughs with Cracked, everyone laughs at Christ Wire. Which is the same difference between that one actually funny kid in high school and the guy who constantly wore the most ridiculous clothes possible (that is, no clothes at all) to get noticed. That's why Cracked went on to a successful career while Christ Wire ended up in juvi for severeal we--wait, where were we going with this?

To really explain to you just how fucked-up hilarious this site is, all you need to do is look at the titles of some of the feature articles for today (9/9/09):

"Barack Obama forces children to use Facebook, helps Gay Agenda" by Abe

"Do not let your children listen to Barack Obama elementary school speech" by Jack Gould

"Laura Bush killed a dude, get over it Liberals" by Bren Langford

"You want some alone time with our kids? That's just not appropriate, Mr. Obama" by Stephenson Billings

"The United States of Sin (Sinmap of the United States, Collaboration with Kansas State University)" by Abe

"10 cents a child: Facebook tries to keep new human slavery scandal below decks" by Stephonson Billings

"Lindsey Lohan is a lesbian vampire" by Abe

And so many, many, many, many, many more...*sob*