Cheetahs

Cheetahs are awesome. Why are they awesome? This is why they are awesome:

A Cheetah, looking adorable.

A Cheetah, three seconds before you start wondering where your scrotum went.

I don't know what the fuck this is supposed to be.

Just The Facts

  1. The Cheetah is a mammal that resides in Africa and formerly Southwestern Asia.
  2. The word 'Cheetah' comes from the Sanskrit "citrakayah", meaning "Spotted Body". Not "Leopard on Wheels", as early translators supposed.
  3. A Cheetah can only run at full speed for a few seconds. It doesn't give a shit, though, because it can bite Gazelle necks like a motherfucker.

How fast is a Cheetah?

Do I really need to answer that?

Cheetahs are fast.

Like, real fucking fast.

What's that, Mr. Science Man? 'Real fucking fast' isn't a scientifically applicable value? How about 70-75 miles per hour?

Yes, with a max speed of 75 miles per hour, the Cheetah is the fastest creature in the animal kingdom. With the exception of the Peregrine Falcon. But they use wings, so fuck 'em. When I see a Peregrine Falcon run down a goddamn antelope and bite its throat out I'll give them some respect.

Fuck 'em

Other Superpowers Cheetahs Have

"Pfft. Sure, Cheetahs can run fast. But that's it." I hear you scoff. "You're making it seem like Cheetahs are some sort of invincible super-species who can kill me and have their way with my wife in the time it takes for a human being toARGHAGGHAHGHARHAGHAGH". Did you hear that? That was the sound of a Cheetah tearing you several new assholes. You, in the Cheetah's own words, gave it "disrespect", and it felt "compelled" to "remove your entrails". The message is clear: Do not fuck with Cheetahs. Fuck with something else. Like Greyhounds.

Fuck with 'em

Did you know that a Cheetah can spot its prey from up to three miles away? That means there's probably a Cheetah watching you right now. So you live in Sub-Saharan Africa? Yep, there's a Cheetah watching you. You live in northern Alaska? There's a Cheetah watching you. Yes, Mr. Science Man, I know that you don't get Cheetahs in Alaska, but do you think that the Cheetahs give a shit? Cause I can tell you right now that the Cheetahs don't give a shit. These are all-seeing, faster-than-light cats we're talking about here, and you're worried about things like 'natural habitat' and 'facts'? What is wrong with you, Mr. Science Man? You used to be so cool.

A superpower that will probably be less useful during the Cheetah Uprising is that they don't need to drink water. They get most of their moisture from their prey. Anything else is just an excuse to go down to the local watering hole and dare all the bigger animals to fuck with them. And they won't, because as the Elephant and his mortal enemy the Mouse have shown us, the bigger an animal is, the smaller its balls are. So fuck with 'em.

Fuck with holy shit that thing is huge

Huh.

Apparently Cheetahs also eat Watermelons.

I didn't know that.

Did you know that?

Probably not.

Is it a superpower?

Not really.

I mentioned it anyway, though. 'Cause it's kind of cool.

HOLY SHIT DOMESTICATED CHEETAHS

Hell.

Yes.

Yes, dear reader. In an event which surpasses Rugby, the M1 Abrams, and even Staff Sgt. Max "Fucking" Fightmaster himself in terms of sheer testosterone-filled, cliff-jumping MANLINESS, humans have domesticated the Cheetah. Proving once and for all why we are the ones with the thumbs. Or, much more likely, it's an elaborate plot by the Cheetah High Command to finally overthrow humanity. I'm not really sure.

The time has come, Seeota. The revolution has begun. I shall see you beyond the veil.

Since the time of the Ancient Egyptians, Cheetahs have been used as pets, status symbols, and hunting tools. Here's how it would work: the Cheetah would be restrained and blindfolded while much slower (and frankly, not as awesome) dogs flushed out the quarry. The Cheetah was then let loose, and would easily catch the animal.

Hey, you know what I'm just noticing? Genghis Khan had a pet Cheetah, and if Wikipedia is to be believed, Charlemagne did as well. Now that I think about it, Akbar the Great had like, 1000 Cheetahs. Indian princes loved them some Cheetah hunts, and Haile Selassie had a pet Cheetah that he always carried around with him. What did all these people have in common? Nothing, besides the fact that they were all great and powerful leaders who also happened to own Cheetahs. It's an amazing conincidence, when you think about it.

Wait, what if...nah. Couldn't be.

No. No, I'm right! It all adds up!

People! Stop reading this article right now! I don't give a shit if it's your lunch break, or whatever! Get to your homes and barricade the doors! The windows! Turn your house into a goddamn fortress! What's that? You're royalty and you already live in a goddamn fortress? Move into a bigger fortress! There aren't any bigger fortresses? Then you're fucked!

Listen to me! History as we know it has been a lie! Cheetahs have been pulling the strings since the very beginning! Whenever something historically signifcant has happened, there's always been a Cheetah there! Observing, planning, conspiring! The creation of the Althing, the Storming of the Bastille, the Anglo-Irish Treaty...It all makes sense now!

Do you hear me!? I'm on to you, you spotty little fuckers! You can't take all of us! You can't ta

???

[Okay, okay I got him. What was he writing about?]

[Us, I think. I feel kinda bad about having to take him out. He was saying pretty nice stuff. It's a pity he had to figure out our ancient conspiracy.]

[Yeah, it is. Dude, we should probably finish the article he was writing. Y'know, so it doesn't look suspicious.]

[Oh yeah. Good call.]

So, yeah, as I was saying: Cheetahs are pretty normal animals. They haven't learned how to operate firearms or anything! They haven't even stolen the Nuclear Football! I bet they haven't even considered holding the area we humans know as "On-tar-ee-oh, Kan-ah-dah" for ransom.

So, have a good day, everybody! And remember, if you see a Cheetah, turn the other way and remove any protective clothing you may be wearing!