Norway

Norway is a Scandinavian country, much like Sweden. In fact, it borders Sweden, is shaped sort of like Sweden, and shares many cultural, political and economic features with Sweden. But Norway isn't Sweden, Denmark, or Finland. It's Norway.

Norway's on the left. Wait, no...yeah, on the left.

Just The Facts

  1. Norway has the second highest GDP in the world, right behind Luxembourg (assholes!)
  2. Norweigans, like other Scandinavians are often cruelly stereotyped as towering, blue-eyed, blond-haired demigods. This makes ugly Norweigans even more depressed than other ulgy people (or would, if any existed).
  3. In honor of the United Kingdom's assistance in World War II, Norway sends them a Christmas tree every December to be put up in Trafalger Square. England long ago forgot why Norway keeps sending them trees, but doesn't want to say anything because it seems to mean a lot to Norway.
  4. They also export a whole lot of gas, a fact that we at Cracked normally would use as a fart joke. But with true Norway-like restraint and civility we will quietly take the high road on this one..

Famous Norweigans

Google Image Search: "Famous Norweigans," result #1.

So...yeah. It turns out that Norway is a little lacking when it comes to producing notable, world-changing individuals. Or at least has been for a while. In fact, if you're trying to think of a famous or influential Norweigan, you're probably thinking of someone from a different Scandinavian country.

Alfred Nobel? Nope, Sweden. Hans Christian Andersen? Denmark. Wait, Ibsen was Norweigan. He's the reason you had to read "A Doll's House" in English class. You know, the play where the wife takes a stand and leaves her deadbeat husband at the end. Trust us, we're not ruining it for you.

Surprisingly little gratuitous nudity. Also, could use more explosions.

Actually, it would probably be better to forget about searching for famous Norweigans. That fjord up there is pretty, isn't it? Yeah, fjords seem real interesting. Sit tight. We're gonna go find out about fjords.

Fjord score and seven years ago....

Holy fucking shit! It turns out that fjords are just as facinating as the rest of Norway!

Like the rest of Norway, fjords are cold, efficient, beautiful and just a little bit socialist (probably). If all the major geological phenomenae had a party, Fjords would be stand-offish, quietly sipping a non-alcoholic beer and standing by the window to avoid the bong smoke being exhaled by the Canyons and arched rock formations over on the couch (those Canyons bring the party with them). Fjords would leave early to get a good night's sleep.

Jerks. Think they're soooo great.

Fjords are popular destinations for the hiking/fishing/exploring set. They even have their own website, the imaginatively named www.fjords.com. It's exactly what it sounds like.

People travel from all over the world to experience the breathtaking beauty of these natural wonders. Norwegians who live around the fjords are accomodating and polite to these fjord tourists ("fjordists?"), but deeply resent their presence. Or would, if they did not have a strict sense of Norweigan hospitality. Still, when your home is plunged into darkness for half the year, it's got to be annoying to have your daylight months sullied by a bunch of douchebags coming to gawk at the fjords.

Douchebags like this.

But the fjords really do have a rich history of exploration by rugged early Scandinavians, probably stroking their beards and singing traditional Norweigans songs about fjords.

An old-school Fjord Explorer.

Vikings: Some of them were from Norway!

Turns out, Norway used to have more going for it than fjords and a solid economy. Long ago, Norway was home to Vikings, the most badass, hardcore people ever. Vikings were fucking metal; their national sport was rape and their foreign policy was strongly based on pillaging, plus they had runes and crazy awesome funerals on burning fucking boats. Wooooo!!!

That axe doubles as a sweet guitar for busting out ball-crushing riffs. And that horse is totally going to rape that chick.

When they weren't putting together awesome albums about Satan and raping most of Europe (plus sending messages for Richard Wagner to receive in his dreams centuries later), Vikings spent their free time exploring the world, finding North America waaaaaay before that poseur Columbus and....well, mostly raping and pillaging.Today, Vikings have become sadly rare, and have lost their connection to their awesome metal roots. Large numbers of androgenously dressed over-weight men congregate 8 weeks a year in Minnesota in a misguided and ill-informed ritual that pays tribute to the Viking name by watching men in spandex grab each other.

Real Vikings would rape the shit out of Favre, no matter what this guy says.