Ted Kennedy

Edward Moore Kennedy, Senatorial hero, or drunken asswipe? YOU DECIDE!

Ted Kennedy was known for his huge fucking jaws. He could crush a truck with them.

Mary Jo Kopechne, ruined Teddy Boy's presidential hopes.

Ted was the only Kennedy not assassinated by the CIA, although this is debatable.

Just The Facts

  1. Born on February 22, 1932 in Boston
  2. Accidentally killed Mary Jo Kopochne in 1969
  3. The only Kennedy brother to survive past the age of 47.
  4. Pissed off Republican senators in the 80's by blocking Reagan's laws.
  5. Holds the second longest senate run, serving a whopping 46 years, almost beating racist zombie Strom Thurmond's record of 47 years.

July 18, 1969

On the night of July 18, 1969, Ol' Teddy was on Martha's Vineyard at Robby Kennedy's party for the boiler girls, a group of women who actively campaigned for RFK. Kennedy left the party, driving a '67 Oldsmobile Delmont with Mary Jo Kopechne in the backseat, accidentally drove off a bridge and into the Poucha pond, a tidal channel on Chappaquiddick Island. Kennedy escaped the overturned vehicle, and, by his description, dove below the surface seven or eight times, vainly attempting to reach Kopechne. Ultimately, he swam to shore and left the scene. He contacted authorities the next morning, but the police had already found Mary Jo's body.

Kennedy swore he wasn't drunk, and served two months for fleeing the scene, and the incident barely affected his 1970 senatorial reelection, but totes fucked up his 1980 presidential bid.

Who killed Ted?

On the night of August 25, 2009, Kennedy lost his fight with brain cancer. THAT'S WHAT THE GOVENMENT WANTS YOU TO THINK!!! According to Cracked.com's resident biographer, Professor Daniel O'Brien, The govenment-owned website, Wikipedia, poisoned him because they wrongfully predicted the date of his death, and killed him to protect themselves from embarrassment. I think he's trying to turn the whole thing into a biopic or some shit.

Other sources say that Republican senator Orrin Hatch killed him because Kennedy treated him like shit, but Hatch couldn't have killed him, because mormons are terrible fighters.