Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

The premise of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is that humanity has been nearly wiped out by the Beastmen, a race of animal-humanoid hybrids that could have been created by the neighborhood sadist Sid in Toy Story. In this universe, though, the role of Sid is played by Lord Genome, occasionally called the Spiral King, a mustachioed dude who drapes his young daughters about his legs and effectively is God. (Yeah, think about that for a second.) Anyway, Lord Genome and his Beastmen have basically forced the human race underground, to live in hollowed-out caverns they consider villages, and any human that tries escaping to the surface will be killed violently by a Beastman piloting a giant-ass robot called a Ganmen. [For other robots that could obliterate us all, see Swaim's The 7 Robots Most Likely to Rise Up Against Humanity.]

Naturally, a guy decides to try it anyway. His name is Kamina and, to indicate his badassery, wears sunglasses indoors. (Red ones! Gee whiz, what a rebel.)

Might as well get used to it.

Kamina has a plan to bust out of Jiha Village, for which he enlists 14-year-old Simon to help. He and Simon are like brothers, you see. Simon, being a diminutive kid (seriously, until we checked Wikipedia we assumed he was ten), isn’t so sure, but when a Ganmen falls through the village ceiling –– causing an earthquake –– and then starts zapping everyone who hasn’t been immediately crushed to death, there doesn’t seem to be a choice. Like most badasses Kamina is kind of crazy, and he storms up to the Ganmen declaring a fight. The gigantic robot, designed to look like a terrifying attack dog, laughs in his face. Then a girl drops from the hole in the ceiling wearing only a too-small bikini and carrying what must be this universe’s M-16. Kamina and Simon, along with every male viewer in the audience, dislocate their jaws. Deus ex machina indeed. (Meanwhile, female viewers sigh in disappointment. The show shrugs and goes on.)

Seriously, can we have just one female asskicker with clothes on? WTF.

It turns out that Yoko, the redhead with the gun, has been fighting Ganmen on the surface. We like to imagine that at this point, Kamina’s thought bubble would have read “Fuckin’ A!” He, along with Simon, can’t pass up the chance to do some fighting himself. And its their lucky day: as a digger ordered to enlarge the village’s cave-space, Simon found a “big face” in the rock earlier in the episode –– a mini Ganmen! Simon jumps in it, plugs a magic glowing drill into the Ganmen’s ignition, and they fight off the monstrous robot. Kamina dubs the tiny Ganmen “Lagann.” They escape to the surface so they can fight not to be murdered.

In the next episode, they discover that the strength of Lagann all depends on Simon’s confidence level. Being a fearful kid, this is not exactly a good thing. But when he gets angry –– which will happen if you only remind him Ganmen caused the earthquake in Jiha, killing his parents –– it is a fucking great thing. Later, in a battle against three Ganmen, Kamina decides out of sheer ballsiness that he’s going to steal one and fashion giant red sunglasses to affix to it to denote it’s his. He does so. Why using a huge labelmaker isn’t easier, we don’t know. Kamina calls the new Ganmen “Gurren.”

Many insane events happen afterwards, largely revolving around Ganmen battles. The tiny drill is used over and over, then –– when Simon grows in confidence –– it transforms into a huge, far more powerful drill called “Giga-Drill.” (Cue sex joke.) There is quite a bit of talk about drills piercing the heavens and quite a bit more about believing in yourself. A bit later, the requisite fits of angst over love and death, but thankfully they’re fairly short. Simon’s getting too busy for that shit.

Busy piercing the heavens. that is. If you know what we mean.

Sometimes the show cuts to vignettes of the mysterious Lord Genome sending his hench-Beastmen off to kill the Gurren Brigade (as their group becomes known). The henchmen almost always fail once they’ve been asked if they know who the hell the Brigade is, and the Brigade steals whatever Ganmen they were fighting, then combines it with the robots they already have to create a kind of superrobot. The Brigade picks up more people, including one of Lord Genome’s daughters. Eventually –– in episode 17, to be exact –– the show skips to seven years later. Science gets drilled through the forehead and chucked out a window into the nearby Dumpster. They talk about what it means to be human, what it means to not be, and again wonder if their enemies know who the hell they are.

The Brigade goes into space to save the universe. Meanwhile, the corpse of Science is dug up by the authorities and buried quietly, without kerfuffle.

Kamina: Simon’s “big brother” and guiding force behind the Gurren Brigade. As their de facto leader, he’s basically the Sirius Black to their Order of the Phoenix: rakishly good-looking, insane, and insanely charming.

Simon: Kamina’s “little brother” and the Harry Potter of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, though he starts out as more of a Neville Longbottom. But then again, Neville got pretty badass by Book 7 –– so all right, he’s the Neville Longbottom of the series. Though we’re pretty certain Neville never punched a hole through the space-time continuum.

Yoko: An exercise in how Michael Bay might handle gender equality, she guns down robots while wearing only a bikini top, hot pants and a scarf-cum-neck brace. Unfortunately she suffers from what we like to call the Kiss of Death Syndrome, as anyone she kisses –– a kiss being, as we all know, the only physical act of love –– immediately dies in battle. And we mean immediately. Eventually, this takes an understandable toll on her and she retires to become a hot spinster schoolmarm.

Nia: Abandoned daughter of Lord Genome, she acts like an alien: she’s awful spacey, that Nia. (Har har!) She has no concept of much of anything on Earth, but believes wholeheartedly in people’s inner goodness. In her naivete she comes off as ditzy, which charms the pants off everyone in the Brigade (except Yoko). At one point she appears as a nude hologram in outer space. Yeah, you read that right.

Lord Genome: Acting god of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann’s version of Earth. Also called the Spiral King, for good reason as it later turns out. Eventually he becomes a “bio-computer” (i.e., a talking head in a jar).

Leeron: A mechanic and in charge of Gurren-Lagann’s scientific team, he’s given the token gay role, which looks to translate as magical (he glitters more than Edward Cullen) and flirtatious (he comes onto at least three or four dudes in the Brigade). He’s also an immortal genius. Literally immortal. So suck on that, straight guys.

Dayakka: A solid guy and brave soldier. So, not too interesting. After the timeskip he has a baby with his now-wife Kiyoh.

Kittan: Only brother among the Black Siblings, a small rebel group that joins the Brigade early on, he has a terrible dye job (blonde tips? seriously?), a quick temper and a womanizer’s hopes, if only he could get women to womanize. Like Kamina, awesome with a touch of crazy. He is extremely protective of his sisters. He flies around in a robotic banana-star.

Kiyoh, Kiyal and Kinon: The rest of the Black Siblings. Because they are women that do not wear bikinis all the time, they are largely unimportant, staying mainly in the background. Kiyoh marries Dayakka at some point during the interim seven years, Kinon becoming right hand to Rossiu in his duties as a big-time politician. Kiyal mostly coos over Kiyoh’s baby and complains about Kinon’s estrangement from their family.

Rossiu: A boy the Brigade rescues from Adai Village, which worships Ganmen as gods, not understanding what they are. Rossiu is quiet and grateful as a kid, calculating and not altogether trustworthy as a grown-up politician. He wears a ponytail too long for him. It makes us wonder why anyone elected him to office at all, it’s so long.

Viral: A Beastman and Simon's sworn nemesis, he later switches sides and joins the Brigade in an effort to save the universe. What with his straight blond hair and gigantic mouth of fangs, he resembles a cross between Kurt Cobain and Venom. Easily the most badass-looking character since Kamina.

Gimmy and Darry: Twin orphans they rescue from Rossiu’s village that are, for all intents and purposes, on the show to look cute. After the timeskip, when they are teens, they become mecha pilots.

Boota: Simon’s pet pig-mole, he is the most adorable thing in the series, even cuter than orphans. He is very loyal to Simon and, at one point, rips off a chunk of his skin to bolster their chances of winning a battle (it made sense at the time, okay?). In one episode he briefly morphs into a humanoid hybrid. The rest of the time he can be found either sitting on Simon’s shoulder or diving into Yoko’s cleavage.

Old Coco: We didn’t even realize this old man had a name until we checked Wikipedia. Seriously, he does nothing. The dude only shows up when someone is flying through the air, so he may catch the person and save his/her life. Instead of speaking, he squeaks.

Jorgun and Balinbow: Gigantic muscular twins that are clearly only there in a dumb-jock capacity. They growl, they look angry, they punch. Until they die, that is, in a blaze of glory.

Attenborough: Looks like a clown, loves blowing things up. That’s pretty much it.