The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride is a movie classic that is a favorite amongst many, and a childhood staple of most. It involves a girl, a boy who loves that girl, lots of witty banter, and kick-ass sword-fighting.

Just The Facts

  1. Directed by Rob Reiner.
  2. Book written by William Goldman. The fact that his book is the abridged version of Simon Morgenstern's story is a lie, because Morgenstern doesn't exist. No, really.
  3. If you know of a man who dresses in black and has six fingers, he most likely killed your dad.
  4. You are obligated to kill that man.
  5. Anybody want a peanut?

Cracked on The Princess Bride

Let's face it, this movie rocks. It's rare to find such a gem that has a little bit of everything in it: kickass battles, comedy, rodents of unusual size, extra digits, setting things on fire, and romance (and don't deny it, you guys love a little bit of romance every now and again). If that doesn't convince you, it's won--and has been nominated for--numerous awards, including an oscar. It did rather modestly when it first came out and comes out in major showings every once in a while. Its lines are often quoted by many.

Major Players

NOTE: If you haven't seen it yet, something is clearly wrong with you. Go ahead and watch it, order it on Netflix. We'll wait. Unless you want to take the easy way out and read this article first. We should warn you that there are plenty of spoilers, so read at your own risk.


Grandfather and Grandson

Played by: Peter Falk and Fred Savage

Quotes:

Grandson: "[The book] Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake."
Grandpa: "Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming."

As you can probably tell from the above quote (or maybe not), the grandson gets sick and the grandpa reads the book to him. The grandson interrupts the movie every once in a while to give his oh-so-important opinion on the events occuring within the story. Though we admit that even though some of our reactions spew out of the grandson every once in a while, we can't help but cheer every time Peter Falk tells Fred Savage to shut up.


Buttercup

Played by: Robin Wright (-Penn)

Quote: "You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords."

She is the female lead of the movie. She doesn't do much, except be really sad for the about 50 mins of the movie and pushing her one true love down hills. She proclaims her adoration for Westley multiple times throughout. Spends her free time flying around in a green dress, fighting crime with her sisters, and smacking monsters in the face wearing very nice princess dresses, kissing Westley, and taunting Prince Humperdinck about how much in love she is with Westley. She's also kidnapped at some point in the beginning.


Westley/Dread Pirate Roberts

Played by: Cary El-you know what? Fuck this. You are goddamn Westley, you hear us!? And that is what you will always be! We don't care that you chopped off your leg in Saw!

Quotes:

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."

He is the male protagonist of the film. He leaves a stable boy and returns as the darkly-attired Dread Pirate Roberts sporting a snazzy moustache. He kicks so much ass that he defeats the three kidnappers at their own games, killing one of them in the process. He also fights giant rats and goes through fiery swamps, torture devices, massive douchebagginess, and even (mostly) death for his true love, Buttercup.

I mean, come on, he's clearly a zombie at this point.

He defeats Humperdinck by threatening to make him look hideous. Spends his free time being a pirate and trying not to feed on Buttercup's brain.


Prince Humperdinck

Played by: Chris Sarandon

Quote: [To Rugen before going down into the dungeon] "Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped."

The main antagonist and prince of Florin. Engaged to Buttercup, he plans her kidnapping, then plans to marry her, kill her on their wedding night, then start a war by blaming neighboring kingdom Guilder for all of it. Why he would do that, we cannot say. Maybe he's bored. He (mostly) kills Westley out of anger in the torture chamber, but Zombie Westley (tm) comes back to kick his princely ass. Spends his free time as the skeletal ruler of Halloweentown and Susan Sarandon's ex-husband.

Sad Fact: His father, the king, gets more action from Buttercup than he does.

Awwww yeah.


Inigo Montoya

Played by: Mandy Patinkin

Quote: "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Skilled swordfighter who takes part in the kidnapping of Buttercup in the beginning of the film. We later find out that he's actually quite a nice guy who's in the revenge business. A man with six fingers has murdered his father, so he continually seeks him out and plans to kill him as he recites those little words that are continuously repeated on the internet. After he has completed his twenty-year-long quest, he becomes aware that he has nothing else going on for him in life (like 97% of the internet), so Zombie Westley offers him the job of Dread Pirate Roberts.


Fezzik
Played by: Andre the Giant

Quote: "I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed."

Enormous and loveable, with a knack for rhyming and finding horses in random places, Fezzik is also one of the three who kidnapped Buttercup. He battled Westley in hand-to-hand combat, with him ending up in a sleeper hold and being knocked out cold (presumably to dream of large women). He is also Inigo's good friend who takes care of his wasted ass by cleaning him up and feeding him. Fezzik was the Dread Pirate Roberts for about two minutes. Completely covered in fire. Like a fucking demon.

Yes.


Vizzini
Played by: Wallace Shawn

Quotes:

"Inconceivable!"

[to Inigo] "Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to [Buttercup] is not truly your concern. I will kill her. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy Brandy!" [to Fezzik] "And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed...in Greenland!? "

He is the smartest of the trio of thieves who have kidnapped Buttercup. When not insulting others about how incredibly stupid they are, he is off boasting about how intelligent he is and about how he considers lots of things highly unlikely. Contrary to the belief that one of his veins exploded from screaming so much, he dies during a battle of wits with Westley by drinking wine poisoned with iocaine powder.


Count Tyrone Rugen
Played by: Christopher Guest

Quote: [after torturing Westley] "As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

Prince Humperdinck's BFF. He creates a torture device and uses Westley as his guinea pig. He also has six fingers, which kind of puts him in the path of Inigo's death plans. Oh yeah, and also the fact that he killed his daddy. He moonlights as guitarist of an aging and continuously-failing 80s heavy metal rock band.


Miracle Max and Valerie

Played by: Billy Crystal and Carol Kane

Quotes:

Max: "Get back, witch!"

Valerie: "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore."

A magician and his wife. They are responsible for bringing Westley back from his mostly-death. It's revealed that Max has a grudge against Humperdinck for being a dick and firing him, and sees Westley ruining the prince's wedding to Buttercup as an opportunity to humiliate him. They give him a tasty pill to rise up again.

No, not that one you silly goose.