Jesus

Approximately 2,000 years before the birth of Bono, Jesus was the first man to ever be known worldwide on a first-name basis. Through his bestselling book of magic tricks, The Bible, Jesus has become comparably famous to The Beatles.

Notice the resemblance?

Just The Facts

  1. Son of God
  2. Became the world's first zombie after coming back from the dead after three days in a bunny suit to dole out chocolate to children
  3. Mother was a virgin
  4. Father of Santa Claus

Jesus: Not Quite as Big as The Beatles

Although Jesus did have a lot of enemies in his life, his biggest natural enemy has been the rock and roll group The Beatles. No matter what Jesus has done, this rock and roll troup has always seemed to edge in front in public opinion polls. Theologians suspect the cause of this to be the amount of records that the Beatles have been able to release posthumously compared to the amount of records that Jesus has released since his death. We can only assume that Jesus' Public Relations department will be on the case soon and Jesus will get into the studio in the coming year.

One of the reasons it is believed that Jesus has remained so popular is loyal fans, like this guy, continuing to spread the good word. Jesus has fans of all shapes, colors and sizes but is especially popular with the overweight white male wearing a Speedo demographic.

"Does this cross make my ass look fat?"

Jesus in Popular Culture

Although Jesus has been appearing in water fountains and tree stumps for years, the only reliable sightings in the past 1,000 years have mysteriously been on the TV show Family Guy. Although Jesus hasn't signed on to the cast as a permanent member, the Griffin family often run into ole' crazy Jesus everywhere from on the golf course to the record shop.

Jesus also starred in the Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ.

"Jewish eh? I have a theory about you guys."

Jesus has also been a re-occurring character in author/biologist/atheist Richard Dawkins' work. In his book The God Delusion, Dawkins names names and is thus now enemy number one for guys like Speedo Guido up there.

Where Christians would like to put Richard Dawkins

Signifcant Events in the Life of Jesus

By sheer coincidence, Jesus was actually born on December 25th, a day we all know and love as Christmas. This has always been a sore spot for Jesus, especially in his younger years, because he would only get one set of presents for both his birthday, and Christmas.

Happy birthday bud!

However, his day of birth was probably the most memorable one. According to witnesses, it all went downhill after that. The day he was born, three-wise men, Larry, Curly and Moe were told by God in an email that his Son would be born that day. So they stopped by Future Shop and picked up wonderful gifts for the infant Jesus. Larry brought him an iPod, Curly brought him The Dark Knight on DVD and Moe got him the number of the cute girl behind the counter.

What many of us remember Jesus for were his wonderful miracles, or as he called them to his friends, 'magic tricks.' In his biography, The Bible, he does everything from raise the dead (zombies) casting out devils (even scarier than zombies) and healing the sick (not nearly as cool as devils or zombies) He was also able to part massive amounts of water, which made him a favourite among the surfing community of the time.

Another defining moment in Jesus' life was his choice of posse, or disciples as they were called at the time. After sifting through resumes for days, Jesus chose 12 of the best men he could find, because women weren't yet allowed to think on their own, and let them join his crew. Some notable crew members included: Mathew, Mark, Luke, Steve, Raul and Doug.

After spending a few years ridin' with his crew, some people started getting a little suspicious of this Jesus character. So, he invented guns.

Guns don't kill people. Jesus kills people.

Sensing the end, he called a meeting at Red Lobster, which is now referred to as the Last Supper. Jesus and his crew gathered round the table and gorged themselves on crab, lobster and shrimp for hours. During the meal, Jesus announced to the crew that he was going to die and that they would be responsible for spreading his word. However, since Jesus was known as quite the joker, no one took him seriously. "Oh, that silly Jesus," was heard around the table, as they continued to scarf down that juicy, juicy fish.

The next day, Jesus was tried in court for being 'all spacey and stuff' and was sentenced to die on a cross, as was the fashion of the time. So, Jesus died on the cross for your sins (not ours though) and the show seemed to be over.

Then . . . dun, dun, dun. Three days later, he's back!

By far the coolest part of his life story, Jesus actually came back from the dead as one of the nicest zombies in the history of recorded time. He didn't try to eat anyone, didn't chase any small children screaming through the forest or any of the other awesome things that zombies do. Nevertheless, it was still pretty cool.

Christians, Catholics and Granma's now celebrate the return of zombie Jesus by hiding chocolate eggs all over the house, convincing their children that a giant bunny left them in the middle of the night, and depriving themselves of things they enjoy for 40 days.