Rugby is a full contact team sport, and by full contact I mean players take more of a pounding then Utah beach circa 1945.

Last picture taken of Michael Smith who was torn asunder during a friendly.

I want to take a ride on your disco stick, NOW!

New Zealand Rugby team ate their cheerleaders, so had to cover for them at half time.

Just The Facts

  1. Rugby hurts
  2. The ball is not a ball
  3. Every year more people die of rugby related injuries then all racquet sports combined (about 3)
  4. The "ball" is made then of Osmium (the densest of the elements)
  5. Specially made boots have to be worn so people faces don't come off.
  6. It is a little bit homoerotic, somewhat like Scrubs.

Rugby Rules

  1. 5 points for trying (everyone's a winner)
  2. 2 points for ball entering orbit after a a Try.
  3. 3 Points for kicking the non-ball over the bar during the game.
  4. Any player who commits a foul, must then take a shot of cherry flavoured alcohol. (or apple if they play in red or green)
  5. If a player is injured, the opposition get to tag team his girlfriend until said player is fit enough to play again
  6. Italy may never win
  7. Basically, no weapons, apart from Sebastien Chabal

Where was he during the First World War

Rugby Entirely


Originally played by Egyptian slaves building the pyramids. Rugby was forgotten until the 19th century, when in the conveniently named town of Rugby in England, a young lad named William Webb-Ellis, dreamed it up after an opium bender in the local bar (later the Houses of Parliment)

At first William was arrested for Dandy like behaviour. However, the sport soon took off with loyal followers, with an unquenchable lust for more violent and brutal sports, to watch whilst drinking and chanting insults at a designated official.

William Webb-Ellis commentates to this day for the BBC, though he only does the Horse Racing for some reason.

The Game

A rugby player can easily be split into one of two diverse categories; 'Backs' and 'Forwards'

Forwards are huge lumbering ogres, who's only real objective in the game is to use their disfigured bodies to cause as much damage via bludgeoning, to the other teams forwards, whist maintaining relative possession of the ball

Backs are similar but faster also they have smaller feet.

The object of the game is to move the ball down field, using set pieces (see next section), to place the ball down behind the enemy team's try line (this awards your team one Try, see above)


It is long and green, with white stripes on it.

The "Ball"

The ball itself has been the subject of much heated debate. Spheres were not invented until after rugby was discovered

Strictly speaking it is not a ball, its a Prolate Spheroid. Which is Latin for 'rugby ball'

A rugby ball is in such an unusual shape because it a good shape to throw and catch. It makes it more aerodynamic, and it bounces in a more interesting and unpredictable fashion, when hitting the floor. It is also much fun, to see a grown man chasing after it.


In Vietnam and other south eastern Asian countries, land mines were left on the pitch by invading forces, incidentally creating the internationally renowned. "Cambodian Amoralistic Hopping Rugby League"

Germany isn't allowed rugby, and best estimates show they do not know what it is.

Australian (Oz) rugby is similar to normal rugby, but everyone is much drunker.

Each eye, is worth 1 point to the other team, (maximum of 4), so watch out.

Leave a caption in the comments.


Whilst trying to take the ball behind the opponents Try line, a rugby player may encounter a number of the aforementioned opponents. Two options now lie ahead of him. (of her, if she's a bull dyke)

Pass - this childlike and easily mastered skill (no offence Hawkings) transfers the ball from the players hands to anothers (90% success rate)

All danger is now averted. the responsibility fall on the next player.

Taking the oncoming tackle can lead down two paths.

Ruck - The player is taken off their feet, they must relinquish control of the ball. The aim of the ruck is for the players in each team to move their opponents out of the area, and to manoeuvre the ball toward their respective sides of the ruck. This is achieved by 'rucking' the ball to move it from under the fleshy bodies of players on the ground.

(Rucking is exactly what you think it is)

Maul - Contact is made but the palyer holds his ground. The ball should still be in a player's hands, not on the ground, and all of the players involved have to attempt to stay on their feet. Here lots of tugging and mauling occurs, to try and gain possession of the ball

Scrum - This is a way of restarting the game, either after an accidental infringement/death or when the ball has gone out of play. It is also a type of cake.

A scrum is formed by the players who are designated forwards binding together in three rows. The scrum then 'engages' with the opposition team so that the player's heads are interlocked with those of the other side's front row. The ball is then thrown into the tunnel created in the space between the two sets of front rowers' legs. Both teams may then try to compete for the ball by trying to hook the ball backwards with their feet.

A Ruck - stampy stampy

A 'Maul'