Women
Women: Brilliant, beautiful, important members of society who are drastically overshadowed by the existence of boobies.
Just The Facts
- God made woman out of one of Adam's ribs.
- Women are glorified ribs.
- Ribs are delicious.
- Delicious things are meant to be eaten.
- Women should be eaten.
- Don't look at us like that; that's sound logic.
Cracked on Women
We love women. Women are the greatest thing to have happened to a man's penis since the invention of the hand. Oh, also they've accomplished some amazing things throughout history - but obviously the penis stuff is more important.
Maybe that's unfair, let's perform a little test. Pay close attention to the next two following sections:
Great Achievements Throughout History:
We don't want to bias the test any, so let's make all the great accomplishments adhere to the four great "F's" that dictate men's attention spans:
Fightin'!
Prehistory - Women invent weapons.
Anthropologists from Iowa State University observing the survival techniques of West African chimpanzees believe that the entire concept of 'weapons' was likely invented by females, who developed the tools to make up for their lack of physical strength. Spurred by the need to keep their food intake competitive with males, female chimps have been commonly seen to chew the ends of sticks until sharp, which they then use as rudimentary spears for hunting. Almost all weapon use observed has been by females alone. Swordfights, gunplay, giant bombs and laser beams all started somewhere, and that 'somewhere' was women. If it was up to men, the peak of military technology would still be the headlock. Think about how lame that world would be: All wars would just be thousand-strong legions of men choking each other out and...actually, that's still pretty awesome.
Fast Cars!
1904 - Margaret Knight invented the modern Rotary engine.
The precursor to the conventional piston engine, the Rotary Engine was largely responsible for the boom in many vehicular industries. And though she didn't invent the concept, she did refine the one present in the first fighter planes, motorcycles, and automobiles - meaning that Top Gun, Easy Rider and The Dukes of Hazard are all here because of a woman. A woman who is likely now asking you to change the channel from those things or at least put some pants on and for God's sakes use a plate you're getting Hot Pocket cheese all over the dog.
1917 - El Dorado Jones invents the engine muffler.
Okay, so nothing's really "manly" about the muffler, but seriously: A lady named El Dorado Jones invented it. Presumably right before she cracked a pimp across the jaw with her bullwhip.
Fuckin'!
1929 - Katherine Davis was the first person to conduct a national survey of American sexual attitudes.
That's right: The first American to actually stop and ask the entire country "wait...do you guys like fuckin'?" was a woman. Obviously, the answer was yes, and the sexual revolution began. Hey, if nobody had actually asked, imagine where you'd be? Desperate, alone, and porn-less - living in constant fear that somebody will discover your sick "sex fetish."
F...power tools! (Shit.)
1812 - Tabitha Babbitt invents the circular saw.
Thereby touching off several centuries of cliched jokes about men and power tools. Seriously, without the circular saw - the archetypal device in all those hackneyed "men love tools" jokes - where would the world be? We wouldn't have the comedic stylings of Tim Allen, for one!
...
YOU FUCKING BITCH.
The Penis Stuff:
Results:
Now we'll conduct a short quiz about the content of this article, and see which section has higher information retention: The penis stuff, or the greatest historical contributions of woman-kind.
Comprehensive Quiz:
Question 1: Are you even reading this, or are you still staring at boobies?
Question 2: Were...were there even words in this article?
Question 3: H...hello? Anybody?
Cheryl... Cole...
ReplyYou know, if one of your ribs were removed you could suck yourself off. That's gods way of telling women what they're made for.
ReplyThat is the single greatest comment I have ever read.
That's the single greatest thing anybody has ever said... about anything!
Funny stuff! I can appreciate the fact that it was much more insulting to men than it was to women, (unlike SOME people).
ReplyThis was article was freakin awesome. I was observing captive orangutans recently and actually saw a female (~115lbs)chase a huge male (~280lbs) with a giant branch after he started getting aggressive with a juvenile. Afterward she was in a corner pulling the leaves off. Whether she was wanted something easier to carry or was just hungry, the male stood his ass away.
ReplySome of the earlier tribes actually used the women's farming tools as weapons in times of war.
ReplyNow here's an article I can relate to!!! I has da boobies! lol
ReplyThe rotary engine tidbit is based on very sloppy logic. Knight did not invent the rotary engine and (more importantly) the rotary engine wasn't the precursor to the modern piston engine. The modern 4 cycle engine was patented in the 1860's.
ReplyI feel like there are many Cracked writers that eat atop their dogs.....
Replythe females among them included
Most efficiently done if one has two dogs - one to clean the spilled food off of the other.
Even I, of the boobied kind, realise sexism directed towards men always fails : ( Not that I haven't tried in the past...
ReplyAlso, some of you (guys and girls!) take it way too seriously, judging from the comments below :L
So. What else do you have?
ReplySexism is ok if it insults men. Get with the program guys.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh...Oh My God. You're right. This WILL NOT STAND. Cracked is the paragon of humor, the end all be all. Its virtue has been sullied, by including a lame, silly joke, that was actually written not by cracked but by a user.
Damn you Cracked for pointing out silly societal foibles interspersed with dick jokes. Thats just not cool.
Since humor isnt your strong suit apparently, I will point out that my entire comment was sarcastic.
Wendigo:
Thank you for self-identifying your sarcasm.
That was helpful.
Wait... was that line about helpfulness sarcastic?
God made woman out of one of Adam's ribs.
ReplyWomen are glorified ribs.
Ribs are delicious.
Delicious things are meant to be eaten.
Women should be eaten.
Don't look at us like that; that's sound logic.
That's totally hilarious but OH GOD PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!
"All artist make a ruff sktech before they create their masterpiece" ;) Same in cocking...
Or maybe God just didn't want anybody nagging him about how to make Adam...
Your mothers a woman. I think from now on I'm going to comment on men like most men on this website comment on women. We only need you for your dicks :D Oh wait sperm banks. LOL
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesAnd opening jars.
The problem is that that is actually pretty arousing.
^he's right. and honestly, you talking that way is hilarious. GO FOR IT!
If women only asked us for our penises and left us alone otherwise, the world would be a better place. I agree. Go for it.
EC, are you implying that you would be pleased if women had simply asked for the penis and nothing else?
As in, not even the rest of the body? Just the dying, floppy, dismembered dicks?
So that womankind could build some kind of bloody stories-high Tower of Dead Cock?
Admittedly, the species would die from our lack of reproduction, but the Tower would be a fantastic sign to the inevitable aliens:
"Attack the planet, lose your junk. From, the ladies!"
Can I get on this train? I have one of those, and have no trouble with you only needing me for it. And you knoooow that the day sperm banks become popular enough that penii are no longer needed is the day people start blowing them up. Ugh...wouldn't wanna be anywhere near THAT explosion...
i felt good about myself until the last section :(
Replyaw whatever it was a funny topic good job
Don't worry Monica - not everybody likes stick figures with mosquito bites in place of actual boobs. Just everybody who put together this article, it would seem...
Don't worry monica - not everyboy likes stick figures with mosquito bites in place of boobies. Just everyone who wrote this article, it seems...
Aw geez. I expected this article to be sexist. "Women: Bags of flesh god invented to accommodate men by performing fellatio on them, making sandwiches and shutting up. What women contributed to music, science, and history: n/a"
ReplyFix'd
I've always said women are much more violent than men. I think this article backs it up.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesyeah, I think we guys only have that stereotype because where really bad at coming up with justification for our violence.
^Thats true. A woman can rationalize any bad thing she does to make it so it wasnt bad. Not that I have EVER done that. I will kinda agree we are more violent, but were also much better at manipulation to make things we are doing seem not so violent (or we just manipulate a guy to do the violence!)YAY FOR MANIPULATION!
Seriously. Last time I pissed off my (female) roommate, I was walking out the door, and she threw a freaking BBQ lighter like a knife, and left it sticking in my freaking BACK. Like a CM from the SPINE. I turned around to give her my betrayal eyes (a powerful emoticon that I carry on my face), and she simply said, "I was trying to throw it over your head to prove a point."
"You f*****g MISSED, WHOOOOOOOOORE!"
And that was the last we ever talked about it...
I expected this to be playfully sexist. Instead I got "Playfully feminist"? I didn't even know that existed.
ReplyWhat I learned: Sexism isn't funny, abusing stereotypes is.
And don't worry super whiners that will probaly be under this comment pretty soon, EVERYONE get categorized. Men are stupid and smelly. Women are bitchy and whiny. Children are samller versions of women. Blondes are stupid sluts. Seniors can't drive. Stepparents are abusive and deadbeats. And don't get me started on racism...
I would actually get behind you on that. There isn't a single group that isn't forced into a stereotype. Some people forget that it's wrong regardless of who it's thrust upon.
I disagree, children are stupid, smelly and whiny. That makes them more like males.
uhh, Curie stared at radium in the dark with her husband until their fingers fell off, jesus what a profound contribution!
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesI think they may have done a bit more than that ..
I'm pretty sure it was just the staring thing. Everyone knows women like to stare at glowing shit.
It's true. Women do like glowy things. It's why I like computers. So glowy. Shoo, this is my internet. Go read a hardback book or something.
I know, I've always felt Marie Curie was kind of a lazy ass. All she did was sacrifice years of her life and her health working painstakingly with numerous toxic chemicals to extract an unknown toxic element from tons and tons of other toxic materials knowing that if messed up that her years of work could be instantly destroyed. And at the end of it all she discovered was radioactivity which only opened up an effective way to treat cancer and the foundation of modern nuclear physics and therefore the entire modern age.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't just her fingers.
Yeah, but only because her husband gave her permission.
@veryfundong Yeah, that's why I got glow in the dark tattoos on my dong
there would be no nuke if it wasn't for ernist Rutherford
Replytop this women.
I though that this would be sexist, but this is actually pretty funny. Good job!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesImplying that men only care about sex and explosions isn't sexist?
he didn't say it wasn't sexist, he just said it was funny.
I find it hilarious that people are always complaining about how where to PC as a society and people are always getting so butthurt over perfectly innocent acceptable little jokes about racist and sexist steriotypes, but the moment they detect the slightest hint of a joke directed towards white males all f*****g hell break and instantly you have the one group that has the majority of control over this whole f*****g planet complaining about things are so unfair for them. If you don't like it when other people get butthurt then don't get butthurt yourselves. just so you know this is coming from a white male. my theory right now is that everone feels like society's unfair to them because it is, unless your rich. you guys are probably just upset that people act as though race is the big unfairness factor when it's very obvious that wealth is, I know this is probably going to annoy you guys but you have it easier than any other group... period. I'm not saying it's a huge advantage but it's still an advantage none the less. At least you can make it as a sports star potentially, even famous olympic female athletes have to have second second jobs just to survive.
Speaking of butthurt...
I'm getting the impression latinromans is not a white male. Or a well adjusted member of society.