Streer Fighter

Street Fighter is one of the weirdest fighting series ever made. It also happens to be one of the best. But there are some things that occur in every Street Fighter that can bring the fun to a screeching halt. Like when they pull shit like this.

Just The Facts

  1. Street Fighter can lead to the destruction of a perfectly good controller.
  2. Street Fighter can bring friendships to a sudden end.
  3. Capcom has essentially been selling us the same game since 1991, and we keep eating it up like candy.

When you encounter moments like this - much like the second round with that cock sucker up there - you feel as though you should simply set the controller down, because he is going to rip your heart out of your ass anyway. Seriously, if you aren't one of the fans that have devoted their life to mastering the Street Fighter games then beating this guy can be little more than luck. Of course if you aren't playing the 'Super' version of Street Fighter 4 you can simply blame this guy raping you on the song Capcom forced you to listen to at the start menu. It causes the same effect that Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" causes: nausea.

Seth - the bald headed douche with a yin-yang for a stomach - can be an annoyance. He does feel like a watered down SNK Boss at times, but once you find your right character you can start returning the favor of raping him. Sadly, though, an annoying final boss isn't the worst thing that you can encounter with this series. Even in this day and age, players of Street Fighter can fall victim to a few things that can send them on inglorious fits of nerd-rage. Rage levels that the live action movies can't even cause.

Sagat's Obsession With Tigers

Tiger rage

During the Super Nintendo days I always knew to do one thing when visiting a friend, and from their bedroom door was an angry growl and the continuos echoing of "tiger knee," "tiger uppercut," "Tiger knee," could be heard. That thing I always knew to do was to fucking run. There would be no fun games of Mario Kart that day. Not by a long shot. In fact there would be no chance of fun at all that day, because the tiger fucker Sagat just destroyed all shreds of sanity that lurked inside of my friend's head.

About 19 years later, and Sagat still won't shut up about tigers.

Capcom Thinks We're Robots

Seriously. They really do, and sometimes I believe it as they have us programmed to re-buy the same damn game over and over. Boot up either of the recent Street Fighter games - the ones that have a 4 in the title - and start tackling any of the character trials. You'll soon find yourself having to perform something like this:

Minor Exaggeration

Ok, maybe that picture is a slight exaggeration, but still, the timing required for some of the simplest combo strings are fucking ridiculous.

Crouching medium punch to a standing light punch.

That's pretty god damn simple, right? No, sadly, it's not. You can spend a good five minutes doing that same damn thing over and over. Then, out of nowhere, you perform it correctly, but instead of celebrating all you can think is, "what was so special about that one other than it being the 500th time?"

Of course there are the players out there that can do that shit in the heat of battle without ever having to think about it. They just fucking do it. And I'm talking about the strings that actually look challenging in written form. But those players are also the ones with a Masters Degree in kicking ass at Street Fighter, as well as using such awesome words as "scrubs" and "vanilla" to describe players and attacks. So fuck those guys.

The Friend That Took the Time To Learn One Move, So That's All They Do

If you don't know what I am talking about then you either have never played Street Fighter with anyone else, or have never played it at all.

This is one of those mind boggling things that happens in fighting games. Someone is too fucking lazy to learn to perform anything other than one god damn move! They'll stand there and constantly do it, laughing like a cock sucking douche every time they hit you.

And they will hit you, too. Regardless of what you do. It can be the simplest attack in the entire fucking game. A five year old could pull it off. Yet it will always hit you, no matter your attack. Not even an Ultra Attack will work, and all your friend - probably not at this point - does is keeps spamming away, all while smiling like a smug bastard.

The ending result can be something along the lines of:

Seriously, He Does

The Button Mashing Idiot Is Apparently God

You've spent countless hours mastering a character's moves, perfecting strategies suitable for every situation, and you have finally beaten arcade mode on the hardest difficulty. You're feeling pretty fucking awesome.

A friend comes over for a visit, because that's what those bastards do. You both decide to play a video game, and one of you decide that that game should be Street Fighter. "I don't know how to play," says your friend.

Now in this scenario you should have nothing to worry about, Nothing at all. Your thumbs move with beauty and finesse across the controller, while your friend looks like he is having a seizure with a controller gripped in his hands. He's not even looking at the fucking screen; he's looking at the controller to ensure that he hits every damn button in a matter of a second.

Hammertime

This moron obliterates you with complete ease. Match after match your ego gets crushed. No matter what you do, the end result is your ass on a silver platter.

Shame overcomes you. Suicidal thoughts race through your head. You force yourself to hold back the tears until your friend leaves - with your dignity and pride in his possession.

Once your friend leaves it all comes out: the game goes into the trash can; and you spend the rest of the day in a dark, quiet room, curled up in a fetal position, crying.