Spider-Man

The year was 1962, and following the success of the Fantastic Four, Stan Lee was searching for a new superhero. After being partly inspired by a damn spider climbing a wall, Spider-Man was born and Marvel never looked back.

Pictured Above: One of the greatest super heroes to ever exist.

What the symbiote costume SHOULD have looked like in Spider-Man 3. Seriously though, how creative do you have to be just to make the original red and blue costume all black with silver lines? Not very.

Oh yeah, did you know Spider-Man is being turned into a broadway musical? Wait a second, you don't think this is a good idea?

Just The Facts

  1. Recieved his powers through a radioactive spider bite.
  2. Spider-Man has the power to cling to most surfaces, able to lift 10 tons, 15 times more agile than a human, spider sense that warns him to threats, and can web sling using a homemade device he made (in the movie, it comes from his wrists has an organic substance produced by his body)
  3. His real name is Peter Parker...fuck it, you should already know this stuff.
  4. Spider-Man appeared as the #3 greatest comic book character of all time according to Wizard. Who got first you ask? Wolverine. That fucker.
  5. James Franco who played Harry Osborn, tried out for the part of Peter Parker, while Elisha Duskhu tried out for Mary Jane.
  6. ...You do know who Spider-Man is right?

The Comics

This is Elisha Duskhu for those of you who don't know.

It was 1962 and Stan Lee had to convince the publisher at the time, Martin Goodman, to give Spider-Man a shot. Goodman agreed to let Lee try out Spider-Man in Amazing Fantasy #15...which just happened to be the final issue of that particular magazine. So Lee pretty much only had one chance to make it work. Stan wrote the dialogue, while Steve Ditko drew Spidey. To Mr. Goodman's surprise, a few months after Amazing Fantasy #15 was published, it became a hit and one of Marvel's highest-selling comics at that time.

"What the...this shit is actually popular? Fuck me!"

Spider-Man was then given his own series entitled "The Amazing Spider-Man", which is still being published to this very day. Fans instantly fell in love with him because he was a very relatable character. For one, he was a high school teenager as a main super hero, something that was unheard of at a time when teenagers in comic books were all sidekicks. Also, he wasn't a person without his share of problems. He had plenty, like how was he gonna manage to pay the bills, how to get the girl next door, and how to avoid getting picked on by his classmates just to name a few. (This was before he got his powers and he could kick anyone's ass that tried that shit mind you).

Speaking of which, let's talk about the Spider-Man origin, for those of you who have no clue what the hell is going on around you in the real world, or you're a time traveler from the past before Spidey was created:

You do know who Spider-Man is don't you? Seriously, have you been living under this?

An orphan after both his parents die in a plane crash, Peter is brought up by his Uncle Ben and Aunt May. Gifted academically, Peter loves science. However, he was painfully shy and the subject of many a wedgie and swirlies. When Peter one day attended a public science exhibit, he was bitten by a radioactive spider empowering him with the proportionate strength of a spider. For those of you who don't know what that's like, which should be all of us, that's like waking up one morning to find out your dick grew an extra six inches and you have two smoking hot supermodels laying on either side of you in bed. Testing his powers, he decided to get into the wrestling ring with a pro and he won. However, after his first TV special had ended, he allowed a burglar to escape because he thought, "Hey, why the hell should I get involved in this when I got all this cash monnay!?" As it turns out, Peter would return home a few days later finding his Uncle Ben shot dead by a burglar. Guess who! It was none other than the burglar he could have stopped but chose not to. Selfish bastard, now you learned your lesson...the hard way. He chased down the killer and found out the terrible secret, and then he learned that, "With great power, comes great responsibility". Huh, I think you learned this lesson a little late. Have fun knowing you were responsible for your beloved Uncle's death. Now as you my have noticed, it's a little different in the movie and his actions make more sense. In Spider-Man, Peter chooses to let the robber go with all the promoter's money because he essentialy cheats Peter. So why should he help him? The ad in the paper said that if someone lasts three minutes in the ring, he gets $3,000, which he wanted for a car. Peter however, finished the fight before the three minutes, so he didn't get all the cash that was advertised. Afterwards, Peter decides to create a kick ass costume and devotes his life to fighting crime.

"Hey Uncle Ben, I just wanted to say 'I love you' just in case I never see you again. LOL JK, I don't need you, cuz I got the cash money now baby!"

To help pay the bills, Peter took up a freelance job with the Daily Bugle taking pictures of Spidey. The editor, J Jonah Jameson, condemns Spidey every chance he can using his newspaper for some reason.

"I'm obviously not over-compensating for anything! Spider-Man is just a menace that needs to be stopped!"

In all fairness to JJ there is an explanation, but I'm too lazy to write out the whole quote. Basically, it just says how he represents everything he isn't. He envies him, and he would give anything to become the man that he is. "So all that remains for me is to try to tear him down, because heaven help me, I'm jealous of him." Yeah, makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense is how nobody figured out that Peter Parker is Spider-Man from all the shots he has taken. Seriously, how could anybody get those kind of shots up close without getting his ass kicked? It doesn't make any sense. Apparently, everyone at the Daily Bugle is brain dead.

"Peter, these shots are amazing! How did you manage to get so close without being seen? If I didn't know better, I would think that you were Spider-Man! Hahahah just kidding, but wouldn't that be the crazy?"

All of these were things teenagers and adults could relate to, unlike Superman who is A FUCKING ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE WHO'S ONLY WEAKNESS IS A FUCKING GREEN ROCK. Later on, other mainstream Spider-Man titles followed, such as Peter Parker: Spider-Man, The Sensational Spider-Man, The Spectacular Spider-Man and Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man just to name a few.

One of the greatest Superhero vs Villian rivalries ever. Something which the first film didn't portray that well.

No trick Spidey. Only an alien from another planet could that hard that quickly.

Way to set the bar Robin.

A countless number of famous super villians emerged from these comics, such as Doctor Octopus, The Lizard, The Vulture, Venom, Sandman, Carnage, The Scorpion, and probably the greatest of all, The Green Goblin. The Joker is to Batman, as The Green Goblin is to Spider-Man. Spider-Man has managed to defeat each and everyone of his enemies, although not always easy as pie, and sometimes at a great cost.

What's that? You didn't know that Gwen Stacy was actually Peter Parker's first love and not Mary Jane? That he acidentally killed her while trying to save her when she was thrown off a bridge by the Green Goblin? That in rage, he almost beat The Green Goblin to death with his fists? Huh.

"I'm a psychotic serial killler who loves to kill people and may be insane but even I thought what The Green Goblin did was way out of line."

More recently in order to effectively "reboot" the series, the people over at Marvel decided that with a quick four part crossover series connecting the three main Spider-Man comic books, they would effectively end the Peter-Mary Jane relationship. Yep, like it never happened. 20 years of history gone down the drain. How did they do this? Well, following Aunt May getting shot from Peter's actions during Civil War, Spider-Man seeks out any way to save her. He eventually comes across the demon Mephisto who offers to save Aunt May in return for, get this, not his soul, nor letting Mephisto have his way with Mary Jane while he makes Peter watch. No, that would be too easy.

Seriously, he could have had his way with Mary Jane. It wouldn't be wierd you see, because he's a demon and that is what's expected of demons.

Peter: "Damn, why can't I get a girl like that to marry me"?

Instead, he wanted Peter and Mary Jane's marriage for some fucking reason. Mephisto changes history so that they were never married, and nobody will remember who the identity of Spider-Man is. Harry Osbourne is brought back from the dead, and he has no clue as to Peter's identity. As if to fuck with Peter a little more in a classic case of "kicking someone when they're down", he tells him two more things: One, is that a small part of Peter's and Mary Jane's soul will remember the marriage, but nothing concious. His joy, will be "listening to that part of their soul for all eternity". Second, is that while in the begining when Peter was searching for a way to save Aunty May, and after have already talked to Dr. Doom and Tony Stark who can't help him, he comes across a little girl who Mephisto is disguised as. This girl as it turns out, would have been their child but since they chose to trade their marriage for Aunt May's life, that's just a dream now. Why doesn't Peter just let her die? (She has to be over 100 now). Because, the bullet that was meant for Spidey accidentaly hits Aunty May, and Peter can't live with the fact that it was his fault. If he died by natural means he could accept it, but she would die for a bullet wound that was meant for him. Yeah. As you can imagine, this decision to just end their marriage wasn't well recieved. IGN Reviewer Jesse Schedeen even called it, "undoubtedly the worst comic Marvel has published in 2007" and a "deus ex machina of the highest order". Ouch. I don't know how Spidey fans are going to react in the long run, for 20 years of Marvel poster boy's history to be erased, but I can't imagine how it's going to go for Marvel in the future. Only time will tell.

Seriously, why not ask for something simple like allowing him to take a picture of Spider-Man with his nephew or something like that? Instead he had to make it SOO much more difficult. What a douche.

Aside from the main Spider-Man series, there have been other versions as well. Spider-Man 2099 features a guy in, you guessed it, 2099 with the same powers of Spider-Man, but unlike Spider-Man, gains his powers from a gene splicing incident. There have also been a Spider-Woman, or should I say, Spider-Women. Yeah, because there are actually five of them in total, each with a different costume than the last. Perhaps one of the most intersting is Spider-Girl, who actually takes up the mantle of her father's place...Peter Parker! Dum dum dum!!!! That's right, her name is May "Mayday" Parker, who is a high school student at Midtown High and she has inherited her father's powers. (Yeah, Mary Jane is the mom). Unlike her father, she is actually popular and outgoing in high school and she dated Gene Thompson. If that last name rings a bell, that's because it should; that's the son of Peter's high school rival and bully Flash Thompson. Amazing huh? As a matter of fact, a lot of kids show up in the series as kids or grandkids of people Peter knew.

What could have been #1

Spider-Girl first appeared in What If #105. What If, explores exactly what the fucking title says, "What If?" As you my have already deduced, none of this is "real" in the sense that it takes place in an alternate timeline, one where Peter actually settled down after sustaining an mortal injury that forced him to stop being Spider-Man. Oh yeah, she also has a brother named Ben Parker. Hmmm...where have we heard those names before? Oh yeah, those where his Aunt and Uncle's name! Anyway, fan response was good for the character, so Marvel decided to give her her own series entitled Spider-GIrl, and later The Amazing Spider-Girl. This is what Peter could have had if he chose the let Aunt May die, but no, he has "morals". Pssh. In 2008, Tom DeFalco (One of the creators of Spider-Girl), announced they would cancel Amazing Spider-Girl with issue #30.

I actually read a good amount of The Amazing Spider-Girl and it was an interesting comic. Apparently there weren't enough fans of the series. Sexist pigs.

What could have been #2

The TV Series

There are two television series worth mentioning when it comes to Spider-Man: The 1967 ABC series of Spider-Man and the 1994 version which premiered on Fox (the best in my opinion) also called Spider-Man. Both ran for about 3-4 years, which is pretty decent. It's interesting to note during this time that Fox was enforcing heavy censorship on its shows because certain shows were being banned in some countries for excessive violence. So they weren't allowed to use words such as kill, death, die etc. So for example, rather than saying "myUncle Ben was killed in cold blood by a guy trying to steal his car", he would simply say "he was shot." Pussies. Also, in the 1970's, the Japanese came up with their version of Spider-Man.

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size, catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man. Oh hello there, I was just singing my totally rad theme song." That's how people talked in the 60's right, they used words like "Rad"?

Spider-Man also appeared in other TV series both in 1977 (The Amazing Spider-Man) and 1981 (Spider-Man), and more recently, Spider-Man: The New Animated Series and The Spectacular Spider-Man, which some people are saying "might be becoming the best Spider-Man cartoon ever". For kids who grew up in the 1990's however, the 90's Spider-Man cartoon will always hold a special place in their hearts. (Like myself for instance).

The Spectacular Spider-Man (2008). The theme song is actually pretty catchy.

Did I mention that in the Japanese version, Spider-Man has a HUGE FUCKING ROBOT?! Seriously though, what's with the Japanese and robots?

The Films

Three Spider-Man films have been made so far, with a fourth one currently in production: Spider-Man (2002), Spider-Man 2 (2004), and Spider-Man 3 (2007). All three have been directed by Sam Raimi of Evil Dead fame; Spider-Man is played by Tobey Maguire and his love Mary Jane is played by Kirsten Dunst.

What was that joke in Family Guy? About Kirsten Dunst and Jessica Parker in a "wierd face, hot body" contest?

I don't know about you guys, but I would have rather seen Isla Fisher as Mary Jane...

...or how about a red headed Scarlett Johansson? Ok, enough hot chicks; masturbate on your own time.

Let's crunch some numbers now: All three did pretty good in the box office and were generally well recieved by fans and critics alike, having a total worldwide gross of $2,496,285,178, with Spider-Man 3 individually grossing $890,871,626. Impressive to say the least. Spider-Man 3 is currently second place behind The Dark Knight with $151,116,516 and $158,411,483 respectively, for biggest opening weekend. Spider-Man holds the fifth place spot on that list with $114,844,116. The fact that Spider-Man 3 made that much money is astounding, but it's a testament to how many people like Spider-Man...or how many people like watching below average films. (I won't say "shitty" films, because it wasn't all that bad). More on Spider-Man 3 shortly.

Spider-Man recieved a 90% certified fresh on the tomato meter. Spider-Man 2 surpassed the original with a 94% certified fresh rating. And Spider-Man 3? An emberassing 62% on the rating. Why so low you ask? Well I'll get to that shortly, but before I do that, I have to quickly analyze what made the first two Spider-Man films so good.

Let me first say that in no way was Spider-Man 3 a "bad" film. It had good special effects, and the fight scenes were impressive. Now that that's out of the way, let us move on to the bashing: First of all, casting is very important in movies. It's no secret it can make or break a film. A good cast can make a good film even better, and the opposite can happen with a no talent cast, no plot, or just a general abomination (see Jason Friedburg and Aaron Seltzer). JK Simmons as J Jonah Jameson is just a perfect match. I can't imagine anyone else doing that role. Willem Defoe as The Green Goblin? Brilliant. Alfred Molina as Doc Ock? Fantastic. My only complaint about that is he didn't have that russian accent, but eh, it's not a big deal. Topher FUCKING Grace as Venom? Venom? Seriously? No, just no! Who is the idiot who had to cast the skiniest fucker from That 70's Show? Did you happen to do any research at all for this film? Eddie Brock is a bodybuilder, not some skinny kid from the suburbs of Wisconsin getting high in a circle in his basement. And when the symbiote and him combine they form Venom, who is even more ripped. I have nothing against Topher Grace, but couldn't they have gotten somebody else? Anybody else?

Take a look:

This dude...

...is supposed to be playing this dude? Really? Are you expecting the entire audience not to notice on account of being totally stoned/high/retarded/brain dead/a child?

To be fair, his Venom costume has the same bulk as the Venom from the comics, not to mention that it looks super sweet and menacing. Topher Grace also bulked up for his role as Eddie (bet you didn't notice that did you?) But Eddie Brock himself was a ripped dude even without the symbiote. Actually, now that I think about it, Topher Grace might have been the perfect person to play Peter Parker. We already know from That 70's Show that he has that humor that Spider-Man possesses, but he's also a good looking guy without being overly so. However, I guess its all just a pipe dream, because That 70's Show in 2002 was just begining to gain steam, so he wasn't "famous" yet. Did you know who Topher Grace was in 2002? Me neither, but hey, who am I to complain if you cast him as Venom? Do whatever the fuck you guys want, it's your movie. And don't think I forgot about Haden Thomas Church or whatever the fuck his name is as Sandman. Sandman is a thief with no morals, a big change from the comic books and I appreciate that. They're trying to give Marko Flint (The Sandman) a human side. Make him more realisitc. Hey, it's Sam's vision of Spider-Man right? The thing is, is that Sandman is whining througout the entire film about how "I'm not a bad person". Really dude? Are you that delusional? Has all that sand got into your cranium and damaged your brain? Yeah you are, and this video sums it up perfectly:

"Just because I robbed a couple of places and people, and also shot an old man dead because he wouldn't give up his car, DOES NOT in anyway make me a bad person . I have a daughter that's sick and I don't have any money, so it make it ok for me to steal shit!"

Speaking about that, they completely just disregarded the source material by saying that The Sandman killed uncle Ben. No he didn't. It was a random thief and uncle Ben was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And let's talk about the New Goblin for a second. What, you couldn't cram enough bad guys into it? You had to add an extra villian to the mix? This is exactly what happens when you try to please everyone. Next time, I think the wisest course of action is to stick with just one villian. Otherwise, the plot becomes too convoluted if you try to introduce multiple baddies and also essentialy introducing a fourth character, the symbiote costume. While some films (Batman Forever for example) can kinda pull if off, doesn't mean that anybody else can do it too. Hell, even in that film the villians weren't anything to write home about and there were only two of them. Interesting fact: If you look up the definiton of "overacting" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Jim Carey. No lie. {source needed}

"Oh hey Sam, I was just about to call you...wait, what!? What do you mean I only get 10 minutes of screen time?! Isn't the move like 140 minutes long?! FUCK YOU".

And don't even get me started on "emo" Peter Parker, or that wierd dance segment of the movie where he struts along the sidewalk that was completely out of place, and that whole scene with Mary Jane and Gwen in the club. Was Sam Raimi trying to get a laugh from the audience? If so, he failed quite miserably. It did however succeed in lowering expectations for Spider-Man 4, so good job. In the 1990 Spider-Man TV series, Christopher Daniel Barnes, the voice actor of Spidey, portrayed the feeling of power felt from the symbiote suit. Symbiote Spider-Man made Shocker pretty much piss his pants when he screams how he's going to get him. He says something along the lines of "I'll chase you to the ends of the earth!", screaming it in a dark tone all the while. (Skip to 3:45 in the video and you'll know exactly what I speak of)

In Spider-Man 3, you didn't get any of that raw emotion. Instead, you get a overly emotional Spider-Man who cried a lot and got angry sometimes. I don't know who to blame for this, and believe me, I want someone to blame. Is it Tobey Maguire's fault? Maybe he didn't read any of the comics with the black suit in it? Or maybe it was Sam Raimi's fault letting him act like a baby. I think we can all agree however that Sam Raimi really dropped the ball on Spider-Man 3 overall. Something that all three Spider-Man films have been missing is that trademark Spider-Man wit. In the comics, whatever the situation was, Spider-Man always has time for a wisecrack during a battle. Other than being hilarious on Spidey's end, it serves to distract his enemies enough for Spider-Man to gain the upper hand in battle. In the films however we rarely, if at all, see Tobey Maguire crack a joke at thugs or supervillians. On an added sidenote, it's also been three fucking movies of Peter trying to get Mary Jane. Seriously, are they together, or are they apart? Make up your damn mind already!

"What's that? They're still not married yet? But it's already been three films! Damn it!"

Let's just hope that Spider-Man 4, which is slated for a summer 2011 release, isn't as fucktarded as Spider-Man 3. (Fuck+Retarded=Fucktarded). It looks like the main vilian this time would be Dr. Connors as The Lizard, and that seems logical. Hell, maybe Carnage as well due to a symbiote from Venom somehow surviving, reproducing, and finding Cletus Cassidy? But there are also talks of Kraven the Hunter, The Vulture, Shocker, and the list goes on, so who the hell knows? And now that Disney has purchased Marvel, how will that change things? Will we see Jafar as the main vilian, with Woody and Buzz making cameo appearances? Here's hoping they don't fuck #4 up.

Pictured Above: Possible Spider-Man 4 plot

"Because he's not the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now...so we'll hunt him...because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian...a watchful protector...a...shit, wrong movie.