Fast And Furious

Fast and Furious is part of a car worship series that has somehow made over $950,000,000 at the box office. )){

Just The Facts

  1. Fast and Furious is a series about cars that is only superficially held together by plot in order to showcase these cars
  2. It also has people who range from sheer badass to gloriously wangster
  3. Sequels continue to be made for reasons that defy logic

History of Fast and Furious

The Fast and the Furious
Paul Walker is a cop who is attempting to take down a group of people who hijack in transit truck cargo. He infiltrates a group of street racers by losing races and running from cops, and befriends gritty badass Vin Deisel


Pictured: Man!

Since he has a deathwish, he also begins a relationship with Vin's sister Jordanna Brewster.


An incredibly easy to justify deathwish

Long story short, there are races, Japanese gangs and revealing cop secrets. Then in a Point Break-esque twist, Walker lets Diesel go. It did not warrant a sequel.

2 Fast 2 Furious: Aka one without Diesel
Paul Walker is now on the run in Miami, he has since become gangsta because he calls everyone "Bra" repeatedly. He is captured during a street race by cops and sent to take down an Argentinian drug lord, once again with street racing. He can't get help from Vin Diesel, so his gritty badass help this time is Tyrese, it's not quite the same.


Pictured: Man?

Walker meanwhile begins a relationship with Eva Mendes, the drug lord's undercover cop girlfriend, proving he has a much better agent than he deserves. Eventually they take down the drug lord by jumping a car over an ocean presumably filled with sharks and into a boat. Really didn't need a sequel.

Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift: The one where they couldn't even get Paul Walker
3 Fast 3 Furious takes place in Japan, it has only a passing relationship to the previous movies. Yakuza are involved. The series began to seem a lot like Bring it On. In no way whatsoever required a sequel.

Then, when the franchise seemed destined for straight to DVD Walmart bin status, they made one more.

Fast and Furious

By this point in the series career, the premise and the original actors had lost all relevance. Vin Diesel had lost his badass image after appearing in The Pacifier, Paul Walker was a starring in Direct to DVD crime dramas, and Jordanna Brewster, while still incredibly hot, had turned off a generation of males after appearing in the perplexingly awful DEBS

HOW DO YOU MESS THIS UP!?
HOW DO YOU MESS THIS UP!?

So, with really nothing to lose, they made a critically panned movie that was destined to be a punchline for many a late night comic.

It made nearly 71 million it's opening weekend.

The plot was nothing new. Vin Diesel's handsome girlfriend from the previous films, Michelle Rodriguez, gets killed. Vin teams up with now FBI agent Walker to track down the drug lord that killed her. There are races, explosions, and a guy gets held out of a window. Wacky hijinks ensue, and they take down the drug lord and kill a guy by crashing a car into him.

In the midst of this, Walker and Diesel says some of the most mind numbingly awful badass lines ever committed to film:
Walker: This is where my jurisdiction ends
Diesel: This is where my jursidiction begins

Walker: Is this the end?
Diesel: This is only the beginning

They recycle this formula more times than you can count before the credits roll.

Then in one of the few differences from the other films, Diesel turns himself in and gets sentenced to prison. Of course the movie ends with the protagonists preparing to break him out of incarceration, there are more movies to be made damnit!


Fast and Furious: Origins

The Appeal of Fast and Furious

Mindless Fun
Fast and Furious is a series that probably even Michael Bay thinks is too much. In every new iteration, attempts are made to outdo itself in the sheer balls of the series. In the first movie, they had a car that drove under a semi truck; in the sequel they had the same stunt, but the car was crushed underwheel. In the third movie they had someone drive though a construction site; in the next they drove through an intricate series of mine shafts. In the fiifth film, it is quite possible that they will light a car on fire, strap it to a rocket, launch it into the stratosphere, and then have Vin Diesel walk out Terminator style. And guess what, they will outdo it again.

Vin Diesel and the Internet
Vin Diesel portrays a character that is less man than machine. In the latest chapter, he tortures a man by holding an engine over him, is unaffected by fire, and uses sheer manliness to get out of Paul Walker Jiu Jitsu. This is the series that made someone primarily known for voice acting a giant robot into Vin Frikkin Diesel. Were it not for this series we would not have Vin Diesel Facts, and in turn not have Chuck Norris facts, and the internet would cry. Thanks to Fast and Furious his legacy of Vin will live on for some time- unless he decides to do a comedy with a duck again.

As if millions of Diesel fanboys suddenly
cried out and were suddenly silenced.
Car Porn
At times the series gets a little creepy with it's worship of cars. It focuses way to long on close-ups from the tailpipe inward and has extended shots of Vin Diesel handling the stick shift. More than once you will see an actor gently caressing the metallic NOSmobile with his face before putting himself inside it. The producers must be tapping into the people turned on by car demographic, aka the autoerotics. These are the type of people that go to a low rider show and tell the hydraulics guy to slow it down a bit.

Yeah, Daddy Like. Now pop the hood.
Never has this been more apparent than in the advertisements for 2 Fast 2 Furious, where they straight out advocated that a car was hotter than Eva Mendes.
The Unmentionable Appeal
This is a series which has a diehard fanbase that insists that anyone who mocks it, just doesn't understand. It has vapid characters and is pretty much just an excuse to show hot people driving loud cars as much as possible. Its low on plot, high on testosterone, and pretty much impossible for females to understand the appeal. Therefore, if you look at it close enough, you realize that Fast and the Furious is unarguably to men what Twilight is to women.