Stoners

A Stoner is one who smokes cannabis, otherwise known as marijuana, pot, chronic, devil-lettuce, or simply weed in recreational drug use. &&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userA

As you can see, it's fairly cut and dry.

Just The Facts

  1. Stoners want peace and love, yet do nothing to help and use any excuse to light up.
  2. Stoners are great friends but terrible roommates
  3. Some of the greatest music in the world was made by stoners.
  4. Being stoned to death is not as great as it sounds.
  5. George Washington grew hemp. Draw your own conclusions.

Types of Stoners

Stoners come in many forms, all of them awesome. Let's begin our hazy trek with...

The Obvious Stoner

You can see this stoner coming from a mile away. Whether it's his look, smell, or dialect (or a combination of the three), you can infer that this stoner hath smoketh many a bud. He has delayed reaction time, slanted eyes, and a serious case of the munchies, man. Well, that pretty much covers the obvious, so let's go to...

The Unknown Stoner

This kind of stoner is the stoner who smokes but no one knows that he/she does so. For example: the full-time student, single mom, successful business man or famous actor. This Stoner is completely different from the stoner who doesn't want everyone to know that he's a stoner. Both of these stoners are related to...

The Stoner That Only Other Stoners Can Tell He's A Stoner, Stoner

I'm pretty sure I overused the word "stoner" there. Anyways, this type cannot be deciphered among non-smokers, but longtime smokers can easily pick this stoner out from the crowd. Kind of how gay guys have a version of radar called gaydar, Stoners have a version of sonar, called "Stonar". This brings us to...

The Hippie

"Peace Man!!! Woah... my fingers go on for, like, ever, man! I'm starting to freak out!"

Historians say that Hippies actually dated back to the Ancient Greeks. It wasn't until the '60s until the hippies that we know and love (or, more likely, hate) sprung up and started embracing the sexual revolution, the Grateful Dead, and pot to explore alternative states of consciousness... or because it was fun. Today, there aren't many signs of hippie...ism, but at least we have Tommy Chong. And Ben & Jerry's. God, I love Ben & Jerry's. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. The next stoner on our list is...

The Hot Girl Stoner

This is the diamond in the rut, the ruby at the bottom of the ocean. We here at Cracked have only heard rumors of their existance, but various reports confirm that hot Stoners do exist. Good luck finding one though; you're more likely to see Bin Laden captured by a group of hunters in Wisconsin before you see a hot stoner chick, which takes us to someone who will probably nab the hot stoner girl...

The Stoner Douche

Yes, douchebags do exist among stoners, sadly. These Stoners think they know everything about bud, yet they can't tell the difference between a bong and their bunghole. The only reason that you hang with him is that he's willing to share weed or he's your dealer and you rip him off all the time because he doesn't know how much a gram of weed looks like. He's probably in the state of mind that he's all badass because he smokes or claims to not care what people think, yet feeds on people's reactions after he pisses them off because he's lonely. This brings us to...

The "I Always Have Weed" Stoner

There are several stoners that always have weed. One is the stoner who always has weed but it's never that good. Then there's the stoner who always has weed and it's the shit (people tend to hang around this stoner because he usually shares his weed and tells a few jokes). This Stoner actually does know everything about everything when it comes to weed. Then there's the selfish stoner who always has weed but never shares, which kind of fits in the category of Stoner Douche. Now, let's move on to...

The Elderly Stoner(s)

Now, you may argue that Hippies and Old Stoners are the same thing, but Elderly Stoners are in a category all of their own. Regular old people will tell you stories about 'Nam and the latest crafts they saw on DIY Network or an article they read in AARP while giving you a hard candy to suck on. Elderly Stoners do the same, but instead of hard candy, they hand you a joint. So be prepared to hear the most awesome story about Gramps winning the war while you toke up. Finally, we come to the beginning of the end of the stoner forms with...

The Loud Stoner/Movie Stoner

WAZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP

Famous Stoners

Bob Marley

Jah.

What's he famous for?

Seriuously, if you don't know who Bob Marley is, your parents have made a seroius mistake while raising you. He is probably the most iconic artisits in history, in and out of the recording studio. He believed that through music, he could cure war and hate and bring forth peace and love. It sounds impossible and a little absurd, but it certainly makes more sense than any religion, especially Scientology. Besides having a body that looked like it was chiseled out of stone, he also had 13 kids, and some of them had some success in the music biz as well. Marley is a Rastafari, which is Christianity with some major black power injected into it. Marley took elements of Rasta music from Jamaica and played it internationally, most notably in the U.S., and has inspired the biggest musical movement in history [citaion needed]. Along with his band, The Wailers, he's gone Diamond and sold over 20 million albums worldwide with the album Legend alone.

Okay, I get that he's famous, but what makes him a stoner?

Well, in his religion, mentioned above, cannabis usage is a main doctrine in Rastafari culture. So you see, it's against the religion to smoke weed! Well, not really, but it helps. So if being a Rasta is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Sweet! So... when can I meet him?

Alas, you cannot see him in person, as he tagically died of melanoma, of all things, some 20 years ago.

Bradley Nowell

What's he famous for?

Brad Nowell was the lead singer/guitarist in an awesome ska-punk band called Sublime. He was actually talented and was even able to perform a song after only hearing it once. With their timeless songs about pedophelia, riots, dysfunctional relationships, drinking, and doing nothing, they sold millions of albums worldwide and were a spectacle to see live.

Okay, I get that he's famous, but what makes him a stoner?

Well, the fact that he was very open about his drug use in his songs. And I mean open: he released a cover song called "Smoke Two Joints". The opening stanza of the song is "I smoke two joints in the morning/ I smoke two joints at night/ I smoke two joints in the afternoon/ it makes me feel alright". He also has a friend named Bud. It can't be more clear than that.

Sweet! So... when can I meet him?

Nowell died in '96 of an overdose of heroin, so I wouldn't count on meeting him, like, ever.

Brad Pitt

What's he famous for?

Being a good actor, doin' it with Jennifer Aniston and Angenlina Jolie (not both at once, unfortunately) and, most recently, fathering a shitton of kids.

Okay, I get that he's famous, but what makes him a stoner?

You can kind of infer from the awesome scgraggly beard in the above picture that he smokes, but if your saying "Please, the beard alone can't determine that he's a stoner", well you're wrong, skippy! In an interview for his movie Inglorious Basterds, he and Quintin Tarantino smoked a block of hash. He was the perfect role for the stoner on the couch in True Romance, too.

Wut?

Sweet! So... when can I meet - Wait, he isn't dead like those other two guys, right?

No, he isn't dead. But I'm sure you wouldn't be able to meet him, since he's a famous actor and whatnot. Besides, he'll be too busy Trick-or-Treating stoned to care.

That's one happy family you got there, Brad.

Stoner Comedies

They've already invaded music and literature, so it's fair enough that they raid cinema as well.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

The two pot dealers from Clerks are back, and this time they get to tell their own story. Starring Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Jason Lee, Ben Affleck, Chris Rock, Will Ferril, Jon Stewart, and many more, the story revolves around jive-talking, vulgarity-spewing Jay and his direct opposite, Silent Bob ("Do Tell!" You say in a German accent) as they try to get a movie based off of their comic book alter-egos, Bluntman and Chronic, pulled from Hollywood. They also beat up a bunch of kids who were talking shit about them on the internet. Laughs, Love, and, of course, weed, this movie has a little something for everyone. Too bad you'll easily forget all of the funny parts after the movie is over, except of course, "You don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son" - Mark Hamill.

Harold and Kumar Series

Starring John Cho and Kal Penn, the two title characters get into some crazy shit, mostly Kumar's fault, and these two loveable-yet-unlucky stoners are the ideal role models for any real-life stoner. In the first movie, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, the protagonists get the munchies and are hypnotized by a sexy White Castle commercial. They decide that they will not rest, they will not sleep, and they will not eat until they get to White Castle. Along the way they run into many roadblocks, including extreme-sports douchebags, a wild raccoon, Asian nerds, Jesus freaks/sex addicts, racist cops, and a drug-crazed Neil Patrick Harris. In the second movie, Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the dudes are mistaken for terrorists on an airplane and are sent to G-Bay. They narrowly avaoid eating Big Bob's Cockmeat SandwichTM and escape G-Bay with the aid of actual terrorists and some Cuban refugees. Long story short, they celebrate by going to Amsterdam. A third movie in the works, A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas, is planned to come out in November 5, 2010.

Pineapple Express

Pineapple Express, starring Seth Rogan and James Franco, is about a dude and his dealer who are trying to evade a corrupt cop who Dale (played by Rogan) beared witness to a murder. Franco was even nominated for a Golden Globe for his performance in this movie, if that counts for anything.

Half Baked, starring Dave Chappelle, Jim Bruer and Guillermo Diaz, is about three dudes forced into pot dealing in order to bail out their friend for killing a diabetic horse by feeding him junk food, while stoned, of course.

Friday

The Stoner buddy comedy-drama revolves around Craig and Smokey, two dudes who must pay a dealer $200 by 10 PM on the dot. Starring Ice Cube and everyone's favorite whining bitch, Chris Tucker.

Come on, you didn't think I'd leave out old Dude, did ya? For those of you who haven't seen this movie, go see it. Right now. If you have Jury Duty, skip on it and go buy this movie instead. It's okay, the court will understand; they've seen The Big Lebowski. The above video is one of the funniest parts in the movie, where the guy from Transformers 2 tries to act mexican or Cuban or whatever, it doesnt matter. All I know about it is that's it's a great scene. Anyway, this is the Coen Brothers' tale of stoned bowler Jeff "Dude" Lebowski, who criminals mistake for a rich millionare with the same name. Along the way, you meet his friends: Walter, the unreasonable prick; Donny, the nice guy; Bunny, the nymphomaniac; and Maude, the erotic artist.

Super High Me

Super High Me is a docucomedy about comedian Doug Benson, who, like Morgan Sprulock, consumed a particular product for 30 days straight. But instead of Mickey D's, his weapon of choice is [drum roll] weed. Sure, he goes to McDonald's in the movie (quite frequently), but the main focus here is weed. Guest starring Paul F. Tompkins, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, Rob Riggle, Jeffery Ross, and everyone's (least) favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist, Dave Navarro.

Honorable Mention: Shaggy (Scooby Doo)

It's debateable that, despite the boring soberiety and detective skills of the rest of the Scooby gang, they wouldn't solve jack shit without Shaggy around. This is because his M.O. is enhanced by his, eh... choice of enhancements, if you know what I mean (pot. There, mystery solved, pun very much intended). Any cop will tell you that the best way to solve a mystery is to go where the food is. Hey, why do you think Shaggy eats Scooby Snacks? Because they taste good? Fuck, no! Let's just say it has that... special ingredient. Foiled again, Old Man Jenkins. (source: www.maxim.com/movies/lists/70300/10-most-memorable-stoners-on-film.html#5)

Cuisine

One of the many side effects to smoking dope is an increase in hunger, otherwise known as getting the munchies. Through this, Stoners have been known to work wonders around the microwave and toaster ovens, respectively, although most prefer pre-packaged meals. Here are prime examples of the typical stoner cuisine:

Behold - the almighty peanut butter and bacon sandwitch. I... just creamed my pants.