On September 11th, 2001, the United States was rocked by a series of attacks in which terrorists hijacked the World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon, and a field in rural Pennsylvania and slammed them into planes full of innocent people and Jews.

Not Pictured: The Jews. Why are they hiding? Do they - perhaps - have something to hide?!

Just The Facts

  1. 9 + 11 is 20. 20 divided by 4 (the number of planes hijacked in the attack) is 5. Former President of the United States Grover Cleveland has a Kevin Bacon Number of - get this - 5. Therefore, Grover Cleveland orchestrated the attacks. With the Jews.
  2. Grover Cleveland is dead. If this strikes you as convenient for him, you're right. What better way to avoid suspicion than by being dead? Coincidence? You decide.
  3. The attacks happened in New York City, which, among other less important things, is famous for its bagel shops. Run by Jews. Coincidence? You decide.
  4. There is lots, lots more evidence that Grover Cleveland and the Jews orchestrated the attacks. Seriously, I have a boner from all this evidence right now.


The year is 1999. Grover Cleveland and lots of Jews lounge around a large conference table in the basement of a Marriot Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida. On the table is a luxurious feast of roast babies, accompanied by fresh goblets of the blood of the innocent. The conversation is quite light-hearted, as they discuss how to further dominate the media and foster the New World Order. A natural silence eventually overtakes the room, hanging in the air like the smell of stale sweat from the slave laborers toiling far below the ground underneath them. President Cleveland takes a long, slow drag on his cigar, hand-wrapped with the skin of the last true Roman Catholic Pope, before the Jew-controlled imposters took over. He exhales a plume of smoke, and begins, thoughtfully and carefully, to speak. "You know," he says, "I've been thinking. The world respects and fears us, but not quite as much as I would like." A slight murmur is heard from the crowd. He continues, "So I think we should take direct action. I think we should hijack planes and fly them into the World Trade Center." The crowd erupts in hushed exchanges of words and gasps. "Excellent idea," hisses one brave Jew. "And what about the Pentagon? and maybe a field somewhere, like Pennsylvania or something, so it looks like we don't know what we're doing" adds another. "And we can blame it on the Arabs!" cries still another."Fantastic idea," President Cleveland says. "I think we may be getting somewhere with this. Let's get to work."

Of course, I have no proof that this meeting actually happened. But I also have no proof that it didn't.

Grover Cleveland: The only U.S. President to serve two non-consecutive terms. Also a mass murderer.

Grover Cleveland: The only U.S. president to serve two

non-consecutive terms. Also a mass murderer.

Whatever the case may be, the fact remains that on September 11th, 2001, four passenger jets were hijacked by terrorists and flown into World Trade Center towers 1 and 2, the Pentagon, and a field in rural Pennsylvania. In total, the 9/11 attacks killed 2,993 Americans. To put this in persepective, that number is roughly the equivalent of 700,000 Iraqis, or 2.4 million Chinese. President George W. Bush responded quickly and precisely to the attacks, by invading the countries of Afghanistan and eventually Iraq, because actually hunting down the people responsible is exactly what the terrorists want us to do. Despite the swift justice meted out by the glorious armed forces of the United States of America (and God), the attacks nevertheless changed the face of international politics for decades to come.

Things that have changed since 9/11

Too soon? Probably.

1. It is now required by law that all Arabs (or people who look like they could be Arabs) on board planes read from the bible, wear an "I (heart) N.Y." t-shirt, and have a kick-ass bald eagle tattoo with the words "Never Forget" underneath.

2. Whenever the clock strikes 9:11 (a.m. or p.m.), some douchebag will make a comment about it and force everyone in the vicinity into an uncomfortable silence lasting at least 10 minutes.

3. Watching old re-runs of Law & Order (where the twin towers are clearly visible in the stock footage of the New York skyline) will also prompt aforementioned douchebag to make an awkward-silence-inducing comment about it.

4. It is now suddenly unacceptable to run up and down the aisles of an airplane in flight. (I was just exercising, I swear! Jeez, give a man a break.)

5. The New York Aviation Club must come up with completely new designs for their t-shirts.

The ill-conceived design of the NYAC's t-shirts

6. Americans are, on average, much more well-informed and pay far more attention to global politics.*

*okay, okay, that last one was a joke, but I am totally 4 srs about the others. srsly.

Things that have not changed since 9/11

1. I do not bathe.

Expert Opinions on the 9/11 Conspiracy

Noted 9/11 experts and counterterrorism researchers Spencer Pratt and wife Heidi Montag have courageously expressed their belief that 9/11 was "an inside job" while on the Alex Jones radio show (source: www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/spencer-pratt-911-was-an-inside-job-200917).

I would trust these people with my own children.

Unfortunately they did not elaborate on just whose inside job it was, but I speak with 100% certainty that that was all they could say without drawing the ire of the Cleveland-Jew Conspirator death borgs. Wait, did I mention they have death borgs? Well they do.

Rosie O'Donnell, another noted 9/11 researcher, had this to say about the attacks:

"I do believe that it's the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel. I do believe that it defies physics that World Trade Center tower 7-building 7, which collapsed in on itself-it is impossible for a building to fall the way it fell without explosives being involved.... It is physically impossible....To say that we don't know that it imploded, that it was an implosion and a demolition, is beyond ignorant. Look at the films, get a physics expert here [on the show] from Yale, from Harvard, pick the school-[the collapse] defies reason." (source: www.popularmechanics.com/blogs/911myths/4213805.html)

I would also trust this woman with my children, but probably not with my mother.

Finally, distinguished terrorism expert Mos Def also confirmed his belief that 9/11 was an inside job, on an episode of the Bill Maher Show. (source: www.youtube.com/watch)

I would jump off a cliff if this man told me to.

As you can see from the above, it is clear that the world's experts have decided that something is up, but just what that is they are not ready to say. All that's left is for you to review the facts, draw your own conclusions, and avoid the death borgs (protip: they do not like to be hugged).