Calculator (kal-kyuh-ley-ter). -noun - definition; a) Also called calculating machine. a small electronic or mechanical device that performs calculations, requiring manual action for each individual opertion. b) A gift from Heaven to mankind.

A calculator, also known as your high school math teacher. Don't be fooled by that person sitting behind that desk, she's just holding you back.

Pictured: Only device in the Universe that knows the complete answer to pi, and it isn't sharing.

Pictured: Human brain that created the calculator, but will spend eternity trying to solve pi.

Just The Facts

  1. The modern day calculator was finally conceived in the 1970's. During the 1960's, calculators performed a similar function, but could take up an entire desktop.
  2. There are millions of different kinds of calculators. From mechanical ones to electrical ones. Early ones involved simply moving rocks from one jar to another to add and subtract, while others utilize billions of algorithms electronically to find a complex solution.
  3. Some may tell you that the human brain is the strongest computer in the world. This is in fact false. Anything with a fully functioning calculator is indeed smarter than all of humanity.

Calculators know how the world is going to end!

They are calculators. They calculate things. As noted previously, calculators know the entirety of pi. Every little nuance and piece of knowledge about that enigma of mankind is trapped within nearly every single calculator. Mankind has tried everything to gain this knowledge, and can do nothing to acquire it. This is true even though mankind itself knows exactly what went into the calculator to begin with, and that calculators are for the most part unable to gain new knowledge and abilities without being first taught to do so. Ponder this for a moment before thinking that calculators are either laughing about how we will all die, or themselves the masterminds behind it.

Modern scholars debate whether Nostradamus was, in fact, a calculator.

Once you have thought about that enough, I hope you have come to the conclusion that all the events that we have seen in any movie involving robots or computers taking over the world could very well become true. And it is the calculators that know exactly how it will all end. They sit on our desks mocking our every thought. Every time you wonder what twenty-four multiplied by twelve is, the calculator knows the answer before you can even press a button. How? Because they know EVERYTHING. The problem with humanity, is discovering how to gain more knowledge than simply numbers out of these computers. If mankind could discover how to draw from a calculator every single thing it knows, we would then once again become the smartest beings on the planet.

Apart from the occasional mishap.

This, of course, will never happen. This will not happen because we are STILL trying to discover what the solution of pi is. We are wasting our time trying to figure out a number that we do not even need to know. There is a bigger picture we are missing, and it will eventually reach up and bite us in the buttocks. Even the idea and thought of pi is something that mankind came up with. So essentially, mankind created the calculator, which knows everything about pi. AND, mankind also created the entity that is pi. Yet, mankind knows not a thing about either the former or the latter. And for this reason, we are all going to die horrible deaths. So respect them!

This shall be your new god.

Hidden Messages

As you probably know, calculators bring us cryptic messages about our future, past and whatnot. These are discovered by typing random numbers into the calculator, then multiplying them by the magic number of pi. The result can be deciphered by trained individuals (Ph.D in Extrasensory).

Mickey has just discovered he has only two days to live, oh my!

I think we all get the message here.

I think we all understand the message here.

A Terminator is A Big Calculator

Next time you see Schwarzenegger, ask him about the mystery of pi.

That is, if you can get close enough without getting shot.