Meat Eaters

I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals, as surely as the savage tribes have left off eating each other when they came in contact with the more civilized. - Thoreau

Awaiting the expert touch of the co-editor

Just The Facts

  1. Eating meat is a barbarous holdover from precivilised times.
  2. A dairy cow will eat up to 45 tons of grain in its life. For that, it provides 700 gallons of milk and 700 lbs of meat. Good trade.
  3. Meat still tastes absofuckinglutely gorgeous!

Why do We Eat Meat?

Are you fucking blind!?

"Meat is the most concentrated energy source available to the human body, containing all essential and non essential amino acids, minerals, some vitamins and of course, fats."

Lots and lots of juicy, greasy fats, expecially in a BK Double. Sadly, modern life doesn't really need a concentrated energy source. Most people waddle very little in their day to day activities.

"Psychologically, the avatavistic pleasure of biting into a chunk of meat, with it's combination of bloody juices and carbonisation, is a primal pleasure."

So it is like sex then, but you can do it in public without getting arrested - or, in your case, laughed at.

Meat is Murder

No, we are not talking about The Smiths whinefest. Shame on you for making us make that clear.

We have no desire to belabor the point, but a living, feeling being had to die for your burrito. We know, we know - "they are only dumb animals." Killing something with the IQ of Lindsey Lohan just to stuff your overfed face with empty calories still seems a bit of a dick move on a par with burning a village to save it.

If you really want to eat meat - eat a PETA activist.

Now with handy cutting guide.

Meat Related Diseases

A strongly meat based diet, such as the Atkins diet, or the typical American junk diet, can lead to several really disgusting diseases.

Polycystic Kidneys

Yes, those are human kidneys. No wonder you are so fucking fat.

Polycystic kidney occur primarily when the kidneys are exposed to ultra high levels of amines and the common carcinogens found in burnt meat. So the more meat you eat, the greater your chances of getting these monsters deforming your fat into a truly grotesque shape.


Good luck porn surfing with those!

No longer the preserve of the idle, overindulgent rich, thanks to modern farming techniques, gout is now available to the idle, overindulgent poor. The build up of uric acid in your joints makes them expand and expand until they finally explode. This is moderately painful.


The descent of man

Also known as "Grandma sure breaks easily now" disease.

Bowel Cancer

Not even Mario can save you now.

You really do not want this. Look at that picture and crap yourself - while you have the chance. Bowel cancer has been linked to smoking and red meat. So smoked meat is obviously a total killer.

Pesticide Poisoning


There is a disadvantage to being at the top of the food chain. Every bit of crap your food has ever eaten in it's life winds up in you. And then rapes your system like Big Vinnie on new fish day. Adult bodies usually cope with this influx of shit by shoving it into storage until it can be dealt with. You know - fat deposits, the liver, and any growing fetuses you may have.

In Conclusion

Right - we do hope this helped you understand the perils of stuffing your face with animal products.

Now, fancy a burger?