Kitchen Gadgets
There are gadgets to help you get the most from your kitchen. Then there are these gadgets, that jump on the the cooking bandwagon hard enough to break its axles.
Just The Facts
- Home entertaining is on the increase, due to the poor state of the economy and lack of disposable income.
- Manufacturers want your cash now more than ever
- No one, not even your worst enemy, should have to watch infomercials for research.
Why Buy Gadgets?
As Giada de Laurentiis has shown, food and sex are two sides of the same coin and, for better or for worse, competence in the kitchen is related to competence in the bedroom. And, like the little blue pills and the various toys for the bedroom, gadgets help you get the most from your kitchen time.
And may help you get laid ...
Electronic Gadgets
The conmanest way to make a stupid kitchen gadget is to apply the miracle of electronics to items that do not really need it. Then charge a fortune for the privlege of owning yet another dust gatherer.
The reveo Marivac Food Tumbler
Marinaded meat tastes great. But the traditional technique, using a mixing bowl (free) or a ziploc bag (4 cents), leaves insufficient scope for profit. For only $179.95, you can tumble your meat in the spice mix, and apply a nice bit of vacuum to dry and toughen the meat fibers to the point of inedibility.
Dough-Nu-Matic Automatic Doughnut Machine
A kitchen essential for folk who demand a mini assembly line of donuts in the privacy of their own home. Simply load it with batter and switch on for a steady stream of mini doughnuts. At $130 each, these are obviously much more sensible than a pan and doughnut mould ($15 - total). Sadly, the model shown does not include the mini conveyor to deliver the finished doughnuts straight to your waiting mouth.
Although not hugely expensive, at $19.99, the concept of a multi egg steamer fails when compared to the alternative - a pan of boiling water and a watch. Are we the only ones who's tat meter start twitching at the phrase "As seen on TV" ?
Grill Right Wireless Talking BBQ/Oven Thermometer
Ergonomically designed for the truly goldfish-brained, this $59.95 state of the art hunk of electronics will let you know when your meat is ready. As if all the men at a barbecue are not already standing around the coals swilling beer and poking the steaks.
This $59.99 piece of complete tat is designed for those cooks with poor hand / eye co-ordination. Wave at it, you get a sheet of paper towel. Wave again, you get another. For Christ's sake - don't burn yourself in range of this!
Concept Gadgets
Concept gadgets are tools for a specific purpose, that you may actually use once before they act as drawer padding. Although some of them are sensible, like lobster picks, many of them are just plain farcical replacements for the use of basic kitchen implements.
The Pizza Boss
No electrons? Not cool!
Sad indeed is the man whole wants one of these. A miniature, hand powered circular saw for cutting pizza. At a mere 9.99 GBP, you can act out your fantasies of being competent at something and insult your wife's cooking!
$13.00 for a piece of plastic with two bits of steel. That removes the pit from a fruit you peel and cut up anyway? Sounds like a bargain, but do not try using the hole for anything else - if you know what we mean.
We were going to include the egg slicer in here, but as gadgets go that is stupid but fairly harmless. And identical to this mozzarella slicer. Except this is $25.
You know, so you don't accidentally stab anybody.
Are you beginning to see a pattern here? It's like they want us to cook, but are scared of us actually hurting ourselves! Seriously though - this is an attempt to cash in on the British Government's obsession with juvenile knife crime. We figure maybe checking the age of the buyer might be better.
It chops garlic. By being rolled around on the counter. "Great!" you cry, "no more garlic smelling fingers!" Unfortunately, you still need to peel the garlic cloves first. $14.95 for another completely useless bit of kitchenalia! (We want one - they look like fun)
This is sold, for $15.00, as an ideal fitting for the home bar. With respect, we would say that if you need an entire lemon wedged for an evening's drinking, this item, by keeping you away from knives, is more of a public service than a stupid gadget.
Combining the utility of a food processor with all the joyous associations of a lawnmower that will not start, this pathetic $29.95 tool fails on two levels. It fails in its intent to make life easier - use the damned kitchen knife, the time you lose in chopping you gain again in cleaning. It fails in it's attempt to be green - it may be a processor that uses no electricity, but it is made of fossil fuels and requires a shitload of soap to clean. As you may be able to tell - this one is a personal grudge!
Gadgets That Actually Work
There are gadgets which may initially appear foolish, but, on first use, become indispensable in the kitchen.
You make a roast. The gunge in the pan is supposed to become gravy, but the joint you bought was a little on the fatty side. The grease separator is a worthwhile tool for getting the flavor of the roast without the fat. To make it even more effective, wash out the roasting tin with ice cold wine or water. $14.95 or less for a low fat meat diet!
Absolutely indispensible for grinding spices and making garam masala. Marble is expensive, yes, but it does not hold the flavor of the previous spices, and will last for a couple of generations. Clean-up is a snap - rinse under running warm water, with no soap.
Called a "mouli" in France, these are superb for any cooked (or roasted) tomato based dish, as they puree and strain at the same time. While we would not recommend the $119.95 this particular model costs, you can pick up a plastic and metal version for about $10.
Pretty much every foodie has a go at making pasta. And fails miserably if they attempt the rolling pin method. A pasta machine compresses the pasta far more than is possible with a rolling pin - meaning your pasta will not melt in the boiling water. Again - shop around, especially at flea markets - you'll find one dirt cheap.
Some I can see would be useful for people with arthritis or other disabilities. What about that automatic pot stirrer thing? THAT is laziness.
ReplyAren't garlic choppers in general supposed to waste less garlic than pressing?
ReplyEh, my favorite tool is those mandoline slicers, as when you have a bunch of stuff to slice, it goes much faster. Sure, cleanup is longer, but with the time saved in cutting and how little time it takes to clean, it does a much faster job than a knife. But for smaller jobs, the knife is still the best.
Out of all the gadgets mentioned her, the Towel-Matic seems to be the most pointless, what is wrong with grabbing the roll and tearing off a few sheets?
Reply"Sad indeed is the man whole [sic] wants one of these."
ReplyI'm sorry but that teeny buzz saw pizza cutter is like a dog you can fit in your purse. I know it's ridiculous and useless, but both my X chromosomes kinda want one.
You mean your a cell? You only have TWO Chromosomes?
*trollface*
I use a knife for every cutting chopping slicing duty pots and pan for cooking only a blender and a pasta machine. I spent 68,000 dollars for an A.A. degree in professional cooking to learn how to use them and damned if i won't. still paying off the damned loans. Went insane (Diagnosed Schizophrenic) been on disability after 20 years of pro cooking. just don't sneak up on me when i got a knife. One stabbing is enough. That's a true story. Believe it or don't.
ReplyI believe you, but only because I cooked for a while, which taught me Tangle's first rule of the kitchen: All chefs are f*****g batshit insane.
I actually use the citrus wedger at work, for slicing limes. The first time I had to get limes though, I used a knife like a MAN! ... because I didn't know we had one.
Replyoh wow i actually had a very obscure dream about a device almost identical to the do-nut matic machine a few years back, i never knew it existed. DMT is one hell of a drug
ReplyHey now, those pizza scissors with the built in picker-upper thingy look awesome.
ReplyI object to your claims that you need to be stupid to need a talking thermometer. My GF's dad is blind, so he needs one. Additionally, the cut-and-peak method dries out the meat and is in no way reliable.
ReplyShe's blind? RETARDED!
(sarcasm, obviously)
I think the point is that it's marketed to the general public, in the infomercial they're not talking about how it will help the blind, but how it will help the stupid out of $50.
I actually would love that Egg Genie. I have no room in my Kitchen for a cooker and doing eggs in the microwave is annoying.
ReplyI have one. It's awesome.
Toaster + Microwave + 200 calories = my entire Goddamn diet.
ReplyAll a man needs is a women in the kitchen...the ultimate kitchen gadget!!!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDid you think up that all by yourself? You're so witty and original!
Wow, I've never heard that, or any similar joke before.
Also, it's a woman, not a women.
Remember ladies, If you're out of the f***ing kitchen, Damion and Kyle from makemebad35 will burn the flesh of your b***h bones!
1955 called, they want their sexism back.
I have the garlic zoom! Don't care that it doesn't make much sense, it makes chopping up garlic so much fun :D
ReplyAnd now hundreds of the clan of anonymous resist the urge to troll.
No, mommy cooks for them
Actually, the mango pitter sounds like a good idea to me. It's a real b***h to cut around the seed. And if it works with avocados, it could make my life much easier.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIn what freaking world are AVOCADOES hard to de-pit???
In the world where most people don't even have interactions with knives until post-college years
There's this thing to slice avocados once they are halved and the pit is removed.
the last part sounded like an advertisement for all those gadgets
ReplyAs someone who loves to cook, it is awesome when you finally find something that really helps and I always end up telling people about it, Despite if they really care or not. That's all it was I think.
You are quite correct - those last are ones I use a lot. To be honest, the topic ran while I was away, so I didn't get time to put the funny in the last section.
Well I don't know about your kitchen gadgets, but my favorite is a laser that emits a beam able of cutting through solid steel as if it were melted butter. It is also capable of being refocused into a conical emission which can cook a full turkey in less than 3 seconds! :-D
ReplyDoes it turn into a satellite and scratch your ass from space?
i cook for a living, and take umbrage with the assertion that egg slicers are in any way less than useful. pretty much the only way to make a hard boiled egg look good on a plate, without cutting it into wedges, or grating it. also, i wanted to use the word "umbrage" in a sentence. now i've done it twice!
ReplyI'm chagrined that you used the word "umbrage".
Gotta agree with you. You don't need a pretty looking sliced egg often, but when you do, you need a gizmo (we used to use them for garnishes occasionally).
I own an apple peeler/corer/slicer, and I will admit it's one of my favorite things. I make apple pie often, and while it is a pain in the neck to clean, it seriously cuts down on my prep time.
ReplyOn the other hand, I am a consumer whore and a sucker for gadgets.
Actually, if you need to peel,core, and slice apples alot, it is worth it. It really depends on the general amount of usage the gadget gets.
I own the garlic one; it is not fun. It doesn't f*****g work. The pieces of garlic are massive and they never come out. The kinda thing you get for christmas, genuinely appreciate at the time, and then have to awkwardly explain throwing away.
ReplyI was actually thinking that would be good to get. Peeling the clove first doesn't seem too bad. Glad I read your comment.
I have an apple corer/peeler.
ReplyWe used it a little for a while.
But it's a pain in the butt to bring out, put together and then have to clean every single time.
So now it's collecting dust in the cupboard...
I like the apple wedger better. It's fast, gets rid of the nasty core, and you just throw it in the dishwasher.
Brenna. I agree the apple corer/peeler is a pain to clean but if you are doing a lot of stuff with apples it really is useful (Lol i just saw this article today...)