Taken

Taken is a movie starring Liam Neeson as an ill-defined retired government operative searching for his kidnapped daughter. The title was shortened from the original, more descriptive, "Wastin' Motherfuckers in France".

So very, very money.

Just The Facts

  1. Liam Neeson is a stone badass.
  2. Prior to Taken, Liam Neeson was one of the 3 or 4 Hollywood actors least likely to be considered a stone badass.
  3. Taken scored the biggest opening day ever in the U.S. for Super Bowl weekend, proving conclusively that Liam Neeson is more awesome than Kurt Warner.

The Movie

In Taken, retired government "preventer" Bryan Mills sets aside the glamorous life of a spy to try to build a relationship with his estranged daughter while occasionally saving the life of a marginally less attractive yet unquestionably more talented Brittany Spears send-up. After about half an hour of backstory, which includes the kidnapping of his teenaged mouthbreather of a daughter, Mills flies to Paris and wastes every motherfucker he sees. One of the enduring mysteries of his story is how, after littering the City of Lights with a pile of corpses which would make Kaiser Wilhelm vomit with envy, after assaulting a high-ranking French Secret Service official and shooting his wife, and after killing a (presumably) fantastically rich middle eastern sheik of some sort, he is allowed to board a commercial flight home and clear customs. The moral of Taken? Even French people don't give a shit about French people.

Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills

Liam Neeson was not exactly typecast for this role, despite an impressive resume which has him portraying, at various times, an animated lion/Christ figure, a Jedi Knight, and the man who trained the Batman to be the fucking Batman. This skepticism about his badass credentials was likely due to the lingering, unsuppressable memory of Darkman.

Plus this. Would you admit to being trachea-punched by this man?

Taken was so money it not only banished the stink of that disaster, but set him up for an upcoming tour of well-hung badasses from history and mythology, as he is slated to play not only Abe Lincoln, but Zeus and Hannibal Smith in coming-soon remakes of Clash of the Titans and The A-Team.

The Future

Taken 2 is tenatively subtitled "Wastin' Motherfuckers in Germany". In it, Bryan Mills' extreme awesomeness combines with an unexplained hairpiece accident to open a hole in the space-time continuum which reanimates the entire SS. Hitler promptly rebuilds the Berlin Wall and kidnaps Bryan's daughter, believing her to be the reincarnation of Eva Braun (certain parts of the script were cut-and-pasted from The Mummy to save time on backstory which could be better spent on badassery). Bryan promptly flies to Berlin and wastes every motherfucker he sees. In the climactic scene [spoiler alert] Bryan rips off Joseph Mengele's arm and beats Hitler back to dead with it. Also Famke Janssen forgets she's supposed to be a middle-aged mother.

We're not sure if she actually has kids, so we'll just go with "ilf".