Chuplacabra

The Chupacabra - a hairless, demonic, mutated, blood-sucking mexican deviant? OR MUCH MUCH MORE?! Probably less. Just read the damn article.

Your Pet's worst nightmare: A spiky fetus.

Why does TSA have a Chupacabra? I SMELL A CONSPIRACY

Aw he's so cute! Wouldn't you let him rip your flesh off? Comon now, I can see through your lies.

Just The Facts

  1. Goat Sucker. See Below.
  2. It came about because some sheep died in Puerto Rico in the '90s with NO BLOOD left in them.
  3. Silverio P���©rez is credited with coining the term chupacabras. He is a comedian.

Chupacabra: The Beginning.

Now - let me preface everything I say that Chupacabra breaks down into "Chupar" (to suck), and "Cabra" (Goat). Chupacabra literally means "Goat Sucker." And because it's of Spanish origin, I'm going to assume that when the serfs in my backyard scream "Chupacabra!", they don't mean what I'm actively viewing on my Computer screen. I think.

In Puerto Rico in 1995, some sheep died on a farm. Normal right? But the odd thing was that aside from 3 holes in them, similar to bite marks, they had NO blood to speak of (get it? Because sheep can't talk). There were similar stories back in the 70's, but they were probably passed off as hippies traveling south to get their jollies off before they awoke from their payote induced blackout. Either that or a Satanic Cult based in North Carolina. Who says free love ended in '67!?

Anyway, someTHING was freaking out the locals, and it caught media attention. Of course after the media started having a hay-day with another totally true conspiracy (saved, however, by an inexhaustible set of insightful youtube comments), the Chupacabra magically started to appear in the Dominican Republic, Mexico, US, Argentinia, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, Peru, and Brazil.

But what the fuck is it REALLY?

In 2004, some dude in Texas saw an animal killing his livestock, so he went to his gun-pantry, selected the most effective life-ending device, and popped that sucker. Turns out, the thing he killed was the skechiest looking animal since Shelob mated with the Cookie Monster (try loving THAT p.e.t.a). CNN got there first, and promptly determined the "animal" he shot to be the Chupacabra.

The guy who shot the thing gave it to Texas A&M to look at (yay.....), and after 5 years it looks like it may simply be a mutated dog or coyote with mange, which is basically like scabies for dogs, except it's not transmitted sexually. Double buzzkill for dogs (see: Crack's story on The Truth Behind 5 'Real Monsters' that fooled the internet).

Whether it's a genetically mutated coyote, a dog with mange, or the unholy cross of Carrot Top and a Cow:

one thing's for sure - with the ability to suck the blood out of anything, the Chupacabra is probably the world's biggest cockblock.

Chupacabra in modern media

Because of it's infamy status like Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster, Ents, and the Clap - the Chupacabra has been so overexposed in media that less than 1% of the information out there even slightly resembles the truth. Kinda like Madonna's age (she's really FAR older than 400) or the real use of Stonehenge (Illuminati did it).

But, hair or no hair, thing thing has been on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, even in Scooby-Doo "and the monster of Mexico," which actually found (spoiler alert) that it was an invention of white people. Damn white devils. All he wanted to do was build a theme park! Can't you Mexicans underst----.....nevermind.

The Chupacabra has also appeared in music, such as on the Welsh rock band "Super Furry Animals" 1997 album "Radiator." Kind of ironical because the damn thing has no hair. But after the Furries....no, correction, the SUPER Furries got ahold of it, it really hasn't appeared on any sort of even remotely mainstream media since, because everyone knows that the Furries contaminate everything they touch. Just imagine what the Super Furries would do. Someone should take semen samples (nose goes).

Oh - and the X-Files did a show on it. But that's to be expected, the X-Files is like the Simson's of creepy shit; they've done everything.

In any case, the Chupacabra 'mystery' pops up every couple years, and since the last time I saw something on it was in Sept. 2009, look for Texas to make a BRAND NEW DISCOVERY IN THE CHUPACABRA CASE sometime in mid 2011. You heard it here first.