Boobs
To the women who "can't understand what the big deal is" and think "guys are such perverts" are audibly sighing right now, please save your comments until women stop obsessing about diamonds. Thank you.
Just The Facts
- Boobs can either a) help you get a job/promoted or b) make the workplace more tolerable for the rest of us.
- Boobs are often successfully used in place of a coherent plot or acting in movies to create a great film.
- The power of boobs should not be underestimated.
Cracked on Boobs
From the Dawn of Time, boobs have been shaping history - destroying careers, crippling world powers. Many men have been nearly destroyed by these orbs of power:
And here's a PG-13 tour of the reasons why:
Reason 1: The Side Boob.
Reason 2: The Underboob.
Reason 3: Cleavage.
It's not our fault though.
The Boobs FAQ
Q: What Can Women Do If They Want This Power, But Are Weak in the Ways of the Boob?
A: The Pushup.
Or, if you are rich and famous, you can have your boobs enhanced with CGI. See Cracked article: CGI Boobs: 7 Special Effects The Stars Want to Keep Secret.
Is there anything else to boobs other than the Sideboob, Underboob, and Cleavage?
A: Yes. The center of the Boob is the source of its power. It is so powerful in fact that society does not permit its public display for fear of wide spread anarchy, and mass headsplosions. So here are some things that look sort of like the center of the boob:
Pictured above: San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant. Powerful.
Q: I heard something bad happens to Gremlins when they get wet. Is the same true for Boobs?
A: Yes and no. They triple or quadruple in power, so this can be a good or a bad thing.
Exhibit 1: Regular non-wet boobs:
Exhibit 2: Supercharged, wet boobs:
What Happens to Boobs When They Get Older?
A: It's horrible. Much like the end of The Giving Tree, Boobs, after providing so many years of thoughtless service, just become completely useless at the end of their life cycle. They become like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. You can't help but looking at them and thinking, "He was getting front row seats at clubs, and now look at him. Disgusting."
It looks like it would be hard for girls with large boobs to play sports. Is this true?
A. Utter nonsense. See for yourself:
Q: What are Boobs' other powers?
A. Boobs can lighten up a woman's whole appearance. They can make the sun come out when it is raining. They can make a woman smarter and funnier and more interesting.
If you look long enough, you'll realize that she's actually quite ugly.
One of these women is clearly a scholar.
Famous People Whose Careers Were Built By Boobs
1. Britney Spears
2. Katy Perry
3. Scarlett Johansson
Famous Boobs
1. The stock boob photo girl:
Who is she? She actually has a neck and a head. And a name. It's Kate.
2. That t-shirt model on Cracked:
Who is she?
She is a t-shirt model on istockphoto.com. She actually has several other photos, including these (and many others that we cannot publish here):
3. "Kelly" from the Kirk Cameron evolution debate:
Who is she? Her name is Kelly O'Connor and has become somewhat of an internet phenomenon since the debate. It seems that Kirk Cameron, in his effort to stomp out sin with the help of his friend, the croc-o-duck, has inadvertantly raised a level of boob awareness. Kelly's Myspace page features the following video, in which she details all of the Google search terms people have used to find topless photos of her:
4. This girl:
Also pictured above in the FAQ, Amanda Wenk became somewhat of an Internet phenomnenon in 2005 after some of her pictures from a trip she took one summer ended up on Flickr. Her pictures ended up in Webshots galleries, she got her own Wikipedia page (since deleted it appears). It appears that her entire flickr account was posted on the web. She now has her own fan club on Facebook and seems to be doing a good job of wielding the Matrix of Leadership she holds in her chest.
The Great Internet Porn-Off
Here's how to protect yourself from boobs:
Step 1:
Read this article: The Great Internet Porn-Off by David Wong. He describes in detail how to protect yourself from the spell.
Step 2:
Sign up here.
Synonyms
Conclusion
Boobs are nature's masterpiece, perfect in shape and design. As beautiful as they are powerful. All it takes is something that looks like a boobs to unleash their power.
Somewhere a bear is masturbating.
Where do lesbians get the will power not to just shower, all day?
ReplySeeing Kate kinda...........tarnished the mysterious magic of it.
ReplyAccording to a Cracked article, boobs developed as a way to feed human infants without suffocating them since a flat chest with a teat (or anything like ANY MAMMAL ON THE PLANET OTHEWR THAN HUMANS) would cause a baby's rather flat face to be shoved against the mother's chest, blocking the nostrils and suffocating the child. Breasts are one of our species' survival mechanisms so the clip where the guy mentions checking out a prospective mommy is subconsciously true. Also, I worked with a woman who had a pretty nice pair of breasts and constantly wore tight, form fitting shirts that barely concealed any part of her bra and showed a great deal of cleavage. She was always complaining about men not realizing that her eyes were in her head. If a man were to walk around with his package tightly wrapped and barely concealed, women would stare just as hard. And let's not forget about all the stares guys get when they work out and show off their upper body. Why do "Dog Breath" and the guy who died in the Harry Potter Maze always take off their shirts in those stupid movies about shiny vampires?
ReplyThe f**k is this shit?
So the other day, a friend and I were sitting in art class trying to figure what the hell it is with guys and boobs. When we just straight up asked one of the guys why he found sacks of fat on a woman's chest so damn attractive, he got this really wierd look on his face. Then he said in an awed, reverent tone of voice "Because. Tits. Are. AWESOME." We gave up.
ReplyWell, if they are just sacks of fat, covered up by perfectly ordinary skin, I suppose you have no objections to sharing a picture of your set? With your face in the same shot? I'll reciprocate with a picture of my elbows. I mean, mine are probably quite like yours. I don't mind if you see them.
heh... heh. Yeah, awesome.
ReplySeriously though, this is hella sexist.
Reread the first line again.
Google Wendy Fiore.
ReplyOr don't as she's just a tease like Katy Perry or Denise Milani as you never get to see nipples. There are other, equally large breasted women who do pose nude.
Those would be super fun to play with, but as far as looking at them, I'd rather see a woman with normal, human sized boobs.
Tittie Shrooms are my phones wallpaper,
ReplyHahaha! The synonyms killed me! You could say I "busted" up laughing.
ReplyBoobs. I got mine when I was 13----had no idea how powerful they were. In those Catholic Girls' School outfits. By the time I was 22 they were drooping into a new world. Then I married "trophy husband" and went to law school. Used that money to "get" new ones. The best thing about boobs is that, no matter how much $$$ we have, no matter how pretty we are, we will ALWAYS be able to get newer ones. The tiny penis thing can't be fixed.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesNeither can shallowness, or lack of personality.
The best thing about your new, fake boobs is that it really distracts men from the fact your personality is revolting.
But honey, we were getting along so famously, at first.
Oh. You misunderstood. I meant that I had them made smaller. And more perky.
Pay no attention to the woman behind the breasts. I wanted to tell you about the CIA interviewng me for a "position" when I was in my last year of law school. They actually asked me (through their man at the Federal Building) whether I would bang for my counry. But they did not word it so politely.
You suck as a person.
Welcome to the new world of medicine, they've had penile implants since the 1980's
I've never once seen that t-shirt lady in a single Cracked article.
ReplyI think it's a trick, cause now I'm reading through all of them and looking for her. How positively evil.
She's the tshirt model in the store. L2 read
Boobs. Because you cant motorboat a personality.
ReplyNo dark skinned chicks? Come on cracked, my sub-concious is 3 seconds away from calling you racist right now.
ReplyDERP.
Boobs = glorious. But dude, women don't like diamonds. The jewelry stores made that up to get you to spend more money on 'em. They're bloody CARBON for christs sake. Emeralds, rubies, and sapphires are all more rare. Yeah, diamonds are tough, but so what? Unless we're gonna use a diamond ring to break into a bank vault, what use is the hardness?
ReplyHehe hardness.
Boobs.
This made my day.
do one on vagina/cameltoes
ReplyHey, they forgot to add Annie Hawkins-Turner, the world's biggest natural boobs ...
ReplyOH GOD WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
aka. Norma Stitz ('Normous Tits)
Instead of Diamonds, you should have said Ryan Gosling.
ReplyBoobs are man's downfall even if the man is taken by a woman and her boobs and has been for months or years. A man see's a woman with another pair, possibly more attractive or his woman's equal, and his jaw drops even around his old lady. Therefore, us women should be more understanding because we posses the same power as the lady he is staring at.
ReplyDa boob guarden is like THE GIANT TITT by Woody Allen in the late seventies! The others I love & admire, Damn its freezing in here huh (:-) And another is the godddess pentegram. KING DANNY BOY
ReplyThat made so much sense.
Only joking. It made none whatsoever.
We need more people this batshit insane.
this is where they should hide the directions to the ark of the covenant. Nobody would ever she them because they only cared about the pictures.
ReplyNot diamonds; CHOCOLATE
Reply