Boobs

To the women who "can't understand what the big deal is" and think "guys are such perverts" are audibly sighing right now, please save your comments until women stop obsessing about diamonds. Thank you.

Just The Facts

  1. Boobs can either a) help you get a job/promoted or b) make the workplace more tolerable for the rest of us.
  2. Boobs are often successfully used in place of a coherent plot or acting in movies to create a great film.
  3. The power of boobs should not be underestimated.

Cracked on Boobs

From the Dawn of Time, boobs have been shaping history - destroying careers, crippling world powers. Many men have been nearly destroyed by these orbs of power:

And here's a PG-13 tour of the reasons why:

Reason 1: The Side Boob.

Reason 2: The Underboob.

Reason 3: Cleavage.




It's not our fault though.

The Boobs FAQ

Q: What Can Women Do If They Want This Power, But Are Weak in the Ways of the Boob?

A: The Pushup.

Or, if you are rich and famous, you can have your boobs enhanced with CGI. See Cracked article: CGI Boobs: 7 Special Effects The Stars Want to Keep Secret.

Is there anything else to boobs other than the Sideboob, Underboob, and Cleavage?

A: Yes. The center of the Boob is the source of its power. It is so powerful in fact that society does not permit its public display for fear of wide spread anarchy, and mass headsplosions. So here are some things that look sort of like the center of the boob:

Pictured above: San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant. Powerful.

Q: I heard something bad happens to Gremlins when they get wet. Is the same true for Boobs?

A: Yes and no. They triple or quadruple in power, so this can be a good or a bad thing.

Exhibit 1: Regular non-wet boobs:

Exhibit 2: Supercharged, wet boobs:

What Happens to Boobs When They Get Older?

A: It's horrible. Much like the end of The Giving Tree, Boobs, after providing so many years of thoughtless service, just become completely useless at the end of their life cycle. They become like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. You can't help but looking at them and thinking, "He was getting front row seats at clubs, and now look at him. Disgusting."

It looks like it would be hard for girls with large boobs to play sports. Is this true?

A. Udder nonsense. See for yourself:

Q: What are Boobs' other powers?

A. Boobs can lighten up a woman's whole appearance. They can make the sun come out when it is raining. They can make a woman smarter and funnier and more interesting.

If you look long enough, you'll realize that she's actually quite ugly.

One of these women is clearly a scholar.

Q: Can Boobs help my career?

A: Well, yes and no. Yes if you are a woman and they can destroy your career if you are a man. For a guide to how much cleavage female lawyers should show at work, see here: http://abovethelaw.com/2013/05/cleavage-as-a-career-enhancer-for-female-attorneys/

Famous People Whose Careers Were Built By Boobs

1. Britney Spears

2. Katy Perry

3. Scarlett Johansson

Famous Boobs

1. The stock boob photo girl:

Who is she? She actually has a neck and a head. And a name. It's Kate.

2. That t-shirt model on Cracked:

Who is she?

She is a t-shirt model on istockphoto.com. She actually has several other photos, including these (and many others that we cannot publish here):

3. "Kelly" from the Kirk Cameron evolution debate:

Who is she? Her name is Kelly O'Connor and has become somewhat of an internet phenomenon since the debate. It seems that Kirk Cameron, in his effort to stomp out sin with the help of his friend, the croc-o-duck, has inadvertantly raised a level of boob awareness. Kelly's Myspace page features the following video, in which she details all of the Google search terms people have used to find topless photos of her:

Kellym78 Gets Googled

4. This girl:

Also pictured above in the FAQ, Amanda Wenk became somewhat of an Internet phenomnenon in 2005 after some of her pictures from a trip she took one summer ended up on Flickr. Her pictures ended up in Webshots galleries, she got her own Wikipedia page (since deleted it appears). It appears that her entire flickr account was posted on the web. She now has her own fan club on Facebook and seems to be doing a good job of wielding the Matrix of Leadership she holds in her chest.

The Great Internet Porn-Off

Here's how to protect yourself from boobs:

Step 1:

Read this article: The Great Internet Porn-Off by David Wong. He describes in detail how to protect yourself from the spell.

Step 2:

Sign up here.

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Conclusion

Boobs are nature's masterpiece, perfect in shape and design. As beautiful as they are powerful. All it takes is something that looks like a boobs to unleash their power.

Somewhere a bear is masturbating.