Assassin's Creed

One of the best-selling franchises in videogame history, Assassin's Creed is Ubisoft's favorite bitch

Altair's death stare saved him the trouble of cleaning the blood off his blade

You shoulda checked for a rape whistle Ezio

Lucy and Desmond are about to get freaky with the Animus 2.0

Just The Facts

  1. The first game was released in 2007, celebrated for its graphics, themes, and gameplay, but crushed for its shitty repetition
  2. Assassin's Creed 2 was released in 09, and that game certainly speaks for itself
  3. Assassin's Creed Brotherhood is scheduled to be released in December of 2010, so try to stay off the naughty list

The Good Guys

Desmond Miles
Is it like a hoodie? or like a half hood...collar...astronaught...
You are Desmond Miles, but about 70% of the people who play this game don't give a shit. By using the Animus, Desmond is able to tap into his ancestor's memories. The Animus is like the next generation Xbox 360, but with people's minds and shit. While he usually just sits in the Animus all day, playing as Altair and Ezio, many hints have been made at turning Desmond into the Ultimate Assassin. Despite his schedule, he keeps one hell of a tan.
Altair Ibn la-Ahad
What you see before you die
Altair is the person you used to pretend to be when you were 8 years old in your backyard. He is an assassin and member of the assassin's clan in 1191 during the Third Crusade in the Holy Lands. He is also kind of an asshole. In the very first level of the game he breaks every one of the rules that his brotherhood follows in an attempt to get the most powerful object in the Kingdom.
Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent.
Hide in plain sight.
Do not compromise the Brotherhood.
Seriously though, is this the first time this has happened? You don't just go on the most important mission ever and throw away the guidelines that you have followed and perfected since childhood! This dick move lands him a spanking and a timeout. But this is 1191 so it was actually a knife in his chest coupled by a demotion to the lowest possible rank. Altair is then given the task of assassinating nine templars across the Holy Lands, and for every death he recieves a gold star. Oh wait just 1191-ize that shit and you get new blades and daggers for every death. Altair is known for his classic stoicness, but it is revealed that he actually managed to fall in love with a woman. Yes, Altair got a bangin', and from a vagina his son came a sprangin'. So begins the history of the New Assassin Order.
Lucy Stillman
She is a member of the new assassin's clan (modern day) and is undercover at the lab where you are. She tries to stop you from finding the Piece of Eden so the scientists can't get it, but all you really need to know about Lucy is that she was voiced by Kristen Bell

I don't want to be that guy, but 'nuff said'

I don't want to be that guy, but 'nuff said.

The Bad Guys

Knights Templar
like a boss
After the first crusade captured Jerusalem, Christian pilgrims began to travel to this Holy Place. Unfortunately it was kind of like those games where you place towers and they shoot at the never ending enemy line, and the Christians were that line. Two veterans from the First Crusade decided that this shit had to stop, so they made a club on top of the ruins of Solomon's Temple and managed to get about nine main knights. They dedicated themselves to defending the pilgrims and fighting for god. Eventually they got the kind of support that really helps, money, and soon had a big enough army to be cool. They became famous for their bravery and skills, but like everything else, became money whores. In Assassin's Creed, the Templars want to unite the Holy Land by brain-washing everyone into peace under their control. This could be done only with one of the Pieces of Eden, a gold-like poke' ball that can create illusions and control minds. They probably would have too, if it weren't for those meddling assassins. Altair is ordered to kill nine key members of the Templar in order to keep peace between and the crusaders and the neighboring kingdoms. However towards the end of the game we learn that the true purpose is much more sinister than just mass murder and assassinations.
In the modern day, the Templar are known as Abstergo, and they are just as fucking devious as ever. By using Altair they find where the first Piece of Eden is, but it is revealed that there are numerous Pieces of Eden scattered around the world. This mind controlling Piece is planned to be attached to a satellite and sent up in space. There, it will unleash its power (With Abstergo at the wheel) upon Earth. Not all will succumb, but those that know it will happen (The Assassins) refer to it as the apocalypse. When the satellite will be launched? December 21, 2012. I jizzed myself at this point, how about you? In the emails of Abstergo, it is revealed that they have the 13 crystal skulls of ancient Maya. These skulls provide protection from the mind control thing, as well as telepathic communication. The Assassins plan on stopping The New World Order thing from happening, because it is just what they do.
Warren Vidic
Hush little baby, don't say a word...
Warren is a present day Templar. He is the one in charge of your memories at Abstergo. The closest thing to a villain that Desmond has.
Al Mualim
How could you not trust this face?
King and Ruler of the Assassins. This guy is the one who orders you around to each mission and gives you a half hour lecture on something. I don't really know because I went to take a bathroom break like everyone else. Anyway he is the only assassin that dresses in black, and the only one with any character depth. He is also incredibly secretive about why he wants Altair doing things. Jesus Christ now I know where Altair learned how to be "inconspicuous".
In the end it is revealed that Al Mualim is actually one of the Templars, he was just killing off his fellow members because he is a selfish prick who wanted to rule the world. Well eventually Altair finds this out and goes to him, can of whoopass in hand. In a stereotypic villain move, he decides not to kill you with the magic orb and instead fights you with a sword while teleporting like 20 feet away. You kill him eventually, and he just rolls with it. Then the orb rolls away, and you walk over. You are most likely about to go evil and shit with it, but then all the other assassins who stayed out of Al Mualim's control show up. The orb pulls up a 3d globe, revealing the location of all the other Pieces of Eden. Time to go to work boys.

The Annoying Assholes

The Beggar AKA The Bitch
Whenever you see a man in a bloodsoaked cloak with knives all over his body, annoy the SHIT out of him.
Ah the beggars, they took all the fun of a homeless person and mixed it with the mental dexterity of an alzheimers patient. For whatever reason, every beggar in every city is the same annoying bitch who repeatedly asks you for money.
The Guard AKA The Retard
Just pretend he's not there, and maybe he'll go away.
For some reason the main guys that you can kill are highly unqualified to be in their positions. Sure they can shoot an arrow and swing a sword, but its like watching a retard think he's Sherlock Holmes when they try to solve the mystery of "Who could have done this!" When you walk up to someone and give them a big giant "hug" then walk 5 feet away, they will fall over dead. For some reason guards do not think that you could have possibly been the culprit, despite the blades poorly concealed all over your body. Plus, at least one person should be able to identify the SPECIFIC CLOTHES THAT ALL ASSASSINS OF THE ASSASSIN CLAN wear.


Useless Gates. Lol

A little late fellas