The Best Marvel Characters For Disney

As we've all heard for the past few days, Disney has purchased Marvel. What does this mean for all you comic book enthusiasts out there?

Probably not this!

Just The Facts

  1. Marvel was obtained by Disney on the 31st of August 2009
  2. Marvel is known for superpowered characters in complex relationships
  3. Disney is known for theme parks and mice who wear people clothes
  4. A Marvel theme park would kick all sorts of super-powered ass!

History of Disney (snippets)

  • Founded by Walt Disney and Roy Disney in 1923
  • Focused specifically on short animations involving an oversized mouse
  • Disney owns a fuck load of companies, like ABC, Touchstone, Miramax, Buena Vista, and others.
  • There are 5 resorts around the world under the Disney name: Disneyland, Disneyworld, Disneyland Paris, Disneyland Tokyo and Disneyland Hong Kong. As you can see, there is a trend occuring.

There was something else too. It was probably nothing.

Gosh Walt, huh huh huh!

History of Marvel (snippets)

  • Marvel was established in the ripe old year of 1939
  • It focuses on superpowered people who are trying to be normal (which, lets be honest, can only lead to wacky and dangerous incidents)
  • One of the first marvel characters was The Human Torch. This is not to be confused with the character from the fantastic 4, no no no, this Human Torch was an android. I know, it's just about as retarded as it sounds.
  • A lot of the marvel heroes seemed to be formed into teams (Fantastic 4, The Mighty Avengers, The X-men, etc)
  • It has been established for some time that Marvels most popular characters are probably Spiderman (A man who puts on lycra and shoots gunk out of his wrists) and Wolverine (sadfully, not a real wolverine, but a man who is unkillable. With claws. A comic book about real wolverines would be so much better!)

Look at him! Who doesn't want to see that in a comic?

Top 5 best Marvel/Disney mixers!

5. Marvel vs Disney - Fuck Marvel vs Capcom, this is the big boy shit! Captain Jack facing off against Iron Man. Buzz Lightyear destroying the face of Venom. Mickey Mouse kicking Spiderman's limp corpse over and over again. What parent WOULDN'T buy this for their child?

The future of gaming! God help us all!

4. Toy Story Marvel Characters - Think about how many god awful action figures are out there from Marvel characters or Marvel films. Now think about the premise of Toy Story. It's a simple formula of the fact that the action figures wouldn't realise they were toys. They'd still think they were superheroes. Sigh.

"Dude, I'm not lying, there really is something on the wing!"

3. Plush Toys - Let's be honest, this is pretty much a moneymaker for Disney from their younger audience. What child doesn't want a cuddly wolverine (with retractable claws)? Or a magneto plush that growls racist remarks (mostly about humans, but he's old, he hates everyone).

CUDDLE MEEEEE!

2. Theme Park Rides - A Marvel section at each Disneyland could spell AWESOME or DISASTER. Depends where they go with it. The merchandise alone would be manic in its sheer amount, but no one wants to ride "Doctor Octupus' Tentacle Invasion". Except maybe the japanese!

Do you? Really? Why?

1. Franchise Rebooting - Okay, raise your hands if you thought the last two Xmen films were any good. Now, raise your hands if all you did through Fantastic Four was stare at Jessica Alba. Now at least 90% of you raised your hand for the second question only. These films seriously need to be put back in the oven, because they definately aren't done! Buuuuuuut, Pixar could be the saving grace they need. Imagine a CGI Marvel series, done properly, not direct to video. It'd be a hell of a lot better than the crap we get these days from live action actors!

"Doesn't matter how stretchy they make me, I still can't act!"

Why none of this will happen!

Because the people in charge of making films today have the creative ability of a potato! And a paticularly stupid one at that!

"Someone hire him, he could lend a hand!"