The Boston Tea Party

The Boston Tea Party is one of the most badass parties not celebrated, mostly because it happened only ten short years before the most raging party of them all, known as the Fourth of July (kudos Thomas Jefferson, you literary thief).

Samuel Adams, the man behind the Boston Tea Party.

Just The Facts

  1. The Boston Tea Party took place in 1773, and was a preliminary "Fuck you!" to the Britains.
  2. Samuel Adams was the mastermind of the Boston Tea Party, and this event was one of the main reasons he was often portrayed as an effective propagandist.
  3. Samuel Adams wore a red mage's robe to remind people he was a terrifying magician of societal mindfucking.

An Edited Historical Account

This is an actual account of the Boston Tea Party, recorded by participant George Hewes. In it, he details the events that preceded the not-so-descrete act. Now, I am completely aware that the majority of you won't read this account for fear of having to think, and I have thus decided to pull a few select quotes to give you a somewhat unclear and distorted account of the Boston Tea Party.

I have creative license.

"...there was a meeting of the citizens of the county of Suffolk, convened at one of the churches in Boston, for the purpose of consulting on what measures might be considered expedient to prevent the landing of the tea, or secure the people from the collection of the duty. At that meeting a committee was appointed to wait on Governor Hutchinson...

"When the committee returned and informed the meeting of the absence of the Governor, there was a confused murmur among the members, and the meeting was immediately dissolved, many of them crying out, "Let every man do his duty, and be true to his country"; and there was a general huzza for Griffin's wharf.

""It was now evening, and I immediately dressed myself in the costume of an Indian...

"When we arrived at the wharf, there were three of our number who assumed an authority to direct our operations, to which we readily submitted.

"We were immediately ordered by the respective commanders to board all the ships at the same time, which we promptly obeyed.

"We then were ordered by our commander to open the hatches and take out all the chests of tea and throw them overboard, and we immediately proceeded to execute his orders...

"In about three hours from the time we went on board, we had thus broken and thrown overboard every tea chest to be found in the ship, while those in the other ships were disposing of the tea in the same way, at the same time. We were surrounded by British armed ships, but no attempt was made to resist us."

"... but no attempt was made to resist us."

I would like to take a moment to delve into the reasoning for a lack of resistance by armed British forces that could have very well decimated and annihilated the entire port town of Boston.

At this time, the cruel, dark fingers of the British empire were stretched around the entire world, sucking life and beauty from whatever unfortunate land or beings they came into contact with. For decades now, these hideous fingers had been wiggling their way up the butt of the colonists, and frankly, they were tired of the curiously invasive and painful metaphorical-prostate-exam they were undergoing. That's when one man, Samuel Adams, fucked shit up by convincing a bunch of Bostonians at a meeting in a church to throw some of Britain's tea back in their faces while dressed up like Indians, which could only have had one effect on the strongest empire in the known world...

They were completely and utterly dumbfounded and also very, very pissed (a.k.a. mindfucked [see Fact #2 about Samuel Adams]).

The End Result

The Boston Tea Party was a major catalyst for the Greatest Overthrow in the Entire Existence of Mankind, which is commonly referred to as the Revolutionary War, lead by a well-known superhero named George Washington, whose only weakness was not having the ability to create life.

But I digress.

Essentially, the Boston Tea Party kickstarted the movement needed to get America's independence underway, and lead to the creation of many American legends and heroes, among them Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, John Adams, and the first formation of the Justice League (then called the Sons of Liberty, which is a much more badass name).

Today, the Boston Tea Party is seen as a historical milestone for this great country, and is another tally mark for America to chalk up on its list of "Totally Awesome Things We've Done," which also includes making nuke bets with Communist Russia, making Satan commit suicide, and this.

If you want a thorough analysis of laws that affected the Boston Tea Party, press CTRL+F and type 'tkwelge', then press the ENTER key. Enjoy!