Xbox Live

Xbox live is a service created (in theory) to allow people to communicate with each other and play xbox games online. In practice, it allows people to hurl abuse at anyone who will listen and kill the shit out of anyone within range, friend or foe.

Just The Facts

  1. We interviewed the first five people we met playing Halo, and found that 100% of people subscribe to xbox live.
  2. According to our experiences with xbox live, this means that all the people in the world are complete assholes.
  3. This means that your parents are assholes, your neighbor is an asshole, that guy stealing your wallet is an asshole, and that guy who has been following you for the past six months is an asshole.
  4. Everybody is an asshole. We're all fucked. (But we don't care about you being fucked because you're an asshole)

How did Xbox Live get to where it is today?

The year of xbox live's creation was 44 A.C. (After Cracked), or 2002 for all the non believers out there. Back then the internet was a more naive place. There were no lolcats, no and the phrase '2 girls 1 cup' did not invoke potentially deadly flashbacks from anyone within a 5 mile radius. There also weren't any consoles which could play their games online (the dreamcast did but was discontinued in 2001). Although the PC gamers had long since discovered the joys of abusing the fuck out of each other, these pastimes had not spread to the wider population because everyone avoided the PC gamers as they smelt of old nachos and used strange words like "pwned". These were more innocent times, and so Microsoft decided they couldn't be having with this sort of thing and set about developing a service that would fuck all of this up completely. That service was xbox live.

Friendly, helpful teamates from the guys who gave you this. And nobody batted an eye?

Xbox live went live (bad pun fully intended) in fall of that year, and proceeded to utterly destroy the innocence of all the consoles gamers who tried it. They discovered that other gamers were not, as they had previously thought, happy, joyful, friendly people who would help them in their games while cracking harmless jokes. No, these people were in fact utter dicks, who would stab you in the back and proceed to drop their balls onto your face, all the while spewing a stream of invective without repetition or completion. After a few months of this, even the most charming, innocent gamer had turned, and the worst online community outside of 4chan was born.

Yes, worse than these guys. You have been warned.

Wait... where is it today, exactly?

Today, xbox live is the most used service out of those for all the gaming consoles. It is also the one with the worst userbase by a large margin, and the only one which you have to pay to use. This may seem a little odd until you remember that, as our top-notch investigative reporting has concluded, everybody is an asshole. It seems assholes enjoy the experience of being assholes so much, they will pay for the privilege of abusing the shit out of anyone and anything. If they can shoot things too, this is a bonus.

Games plus fucktards minus your money equals happiness? Apparently.

However, some people believe that the service is not living up to its full potential. In an attempt to convince the 0% of the population who don't use it that it is not filled with assholes, they use content and profanity filters to prevent people from being even bigger assholes. If they could only embrace their community (well, not literally because their community is composed of, and we cannot stress this enough, assholes) and provide everyone a platform for their dickishness, people would be able to abuse others more efficiently and with less effort. This would enhance their enjoyment of the service, and then people might spend even more time on it.

Ok, we're the only ones who think that but still, that would be freaking awesome.