Musical Instruments

Musical instruments allow people to express their creativity, entertain others, and follow their dreams, all from the corner of the street outside an office building.

What the future holds for the average musician.

Just The Facts

  1. There are hundreds of different instruments, of which only a handful are actually interesting.
  2. These instruments were once used by adults to pass down stories. This was a time when it was easier to make a drum and a flute out of wood and animal hide than to make some sort of writing utensil.
  3. Instruments are still used by small children and teenagers to pass down being annoying as hell.

What Your Instrument Says About You


If you're a girl, you look enchanting whilst playing the harp. As you pluck strings with loving grace, your audience is in awe as the lush melodies amplify your radiant beauty.

If you're a guy, you look super gay.

Unless you're a guy at a renaissance fair, in which you look super gay and retarded.

Bass Guitar

If your band mates made you the designated bass player, you don't really have any "friends." If you willingly chose to play the bass, there's a good chance that you hate yourself.

Bassists are usually locked in a basement while the rest of the band goes out and gets famous.

Stand-Up Bass

Back in the day, the people who played this mammoth of an instrument were part of the early years of Rock n' Roll, laying down rhythms that would shape the course of music.

Nowadays, the stand-up bass is used only by punk/rockabilly/psychobilly/etc bands who believe that using an over sized, cumbersome instrument makes the music legitimate. These people then proceed to drown out the bass with a wave of distorted blues riffs.


There are three types of drummers.

The first type are the people who manage to keep a steady rhythm while putting absolutely no soul or creativity into their playing, and don't deserve more than one sentence dedicated to them, which is already one too many.

The second type are the drummers of "progressive" bands. These people dedicate their lives to creating intense and precise patterns so that they can play them back to stoners who are too high to notice any change in songs, let alone time signatures. The average drum kit of a prog drummer is the size of three football fields.

1/16th of Neil Peart's drum set.

The final type of drummer's playing style is being loud and fast, followed by being louder and faster. This accomplished by weightlifting/throwing the bass drums at the crowd/bandmates (to increase upper body strength), flailing around at random, and lots and lots of cocaine.


True story: The recorder was used as an instrument of torture until the iron maiden was invented, and in the end, people decided to try out a more humane method.

With the exception of people playing "Stairway," everyone who has ever picked up this instrument is either eight years old or deaf.

For the full experience, picture this while imagining a thousand shrieking bats as shards of glass grind down a chalkboard.

The Bagpipes

Bagpipes are inflatable recorders that get played at funerals.


The perfect instrument to play at your cousins's wedding, or if you simply live in an impoverished area where Jeff Foxworthy is held in high regard.

The Washboard

If you play the washboard, then you're dead to us. We're not even going to acknowledge the washboard as a musical instrument. It's an ancient piece of washing equipment. Fuck, we could take two ironing boards and smash them together, but that doesn't make us percussionists.

You know what? Let's tell the washboard to go away.

Go away, washboard.