2009 NFL Draft

The draft is a two-day long orgy for the football media, and even the most casual fan can be awed into watching NFL suck its own cock after months without football. Below is the first 2 hours of the 2009 Draft.

Pick No. 1. Detroit Lions, QB Matt Stafford, Georgia

Teams hate having the first pick in the draft, unless they can grab another Manning. But even if they are signing more of Archie's seed, owners are squeamish on giving an unproven rookie forty million dollars guaranteed money. After selecting Alex Smith No. 1 in the 2005, in four years the San Francisco 49ers still can't decide whether start him at quarterback or send him to their forced labor gold-mine. Stafford was touted highly by sports pundits as simply the best quarterback in a draft strapped for quarterback prospects.

Unfortunately his true potential will never be known as he was drafted by the 0-16 Lions.
Every year an NFL virgin is sacrificed to the Detroit Lions with a top five pick. After being drafted, Stafford begged Lions fans for his life before a dark black bag was placed over his head. The Commentators pretended to be surprised that the Lions choose Stafford, even though the Great Ford show his favor towards Stafford days before. The Detroit mob cheered for the selection, carefully waving their torches and pitchforks in an effort not to hurt anyone other than Packer fans. As the Georgia athlete was drug away by team officials, the Lions supporters chanted in Latin before abruptly departing. Video made the web of the mob forcing Stafford past a shrine for disembodied heads of Joey Harrington and Jon Kitna.

Pick No. 2 St. Loius Rams, OT Jason Smith, Baylor

It was hard on the Rams to watch their aging, injury prone and ineffective Kurt Warner take away the Arizona Cardinals to their first Super Bowl. They were in a rut, and Marc Bulger just seemed so young and exciting, and dear God could he pound it into the end zone. As time goes by, things with Marc just don't seem to be working out. But they've agreed to see a different Life Coach, Steve Spagnola together, and Marc wants to bring this beefcake Jason Smith to bend over and spice things up out on the playing field.

The Rams rolled over and looked at Marc, and are telling themselves things might be alright. But Kurt was such a great guy, and when the Rams watched the tapes the Patriots made of Kurt inside Arizona, Christ let's just say he has taken his game up to the next level. But who does Kurt think he's kidding, how long is this Cardinals flame going to last? The Rams just can't stop thinking they may have made a mistake, and threw out the only man who ever did it for them.

Pick No. 3 Kansas City Chiefs, Tyson Jackson DE, LSU

More important than who the Chiefs picked, was how they played their fan base. After two miserable seasons the organization placated their fan base by bringing in Matt Cassel, who spent 2008 throwing somewhere near Randy Moss or Wes Welker and looking surprised when he succeeded.

Fans follow quarterbacks, it's easy as there is only one and they score points. Kansas City grabbed one for a second round pick from the Patriots and less than what they would have paid Mark Sanchez, while exciting their fans. With a shiny new quarterback to sell tickets, the Chiefs got to spend the rest of their draft picks on unexciting defensive players like Jackson without fans rioting like Houston did at the selection of future sack monster Mario Williams

Pick No. 4 Seattle Seahawks, Aaron Curry LB, Wake Forest

At this point casual viewers are starting to wonder why they are watching the draft, and Chris Berman and the other commentators are desperately trying to turn the conversation to Mark Sanchez. Berman has this look in his eye when he salivates over Sanchez that gives the impression that he and a redneck friend may force Sanchez to squeal "whoop" out in the wild.

Before the pick, commentators said with a straight face that Seattle might take a first round quarterback with Matt Hasselbeck only an injury riddled season removed from a playoff game win in 2008. They know in their hearts your bored, and this is essentially a boring graduation former football players have to attend.
As the fifteen minute clock starts for the Jets, the hour spent watching the draft no longer feels like time well spent. There is no longer any football, so the internet and football media will be talking about the draft and showing clips all off-season. How many more defensive players can one person endure.

Pick No. 5 New York Jet, Mark FUCKING Sanchez! QB!! USC.

The commentators have what they want, and they show clips of Favre struggling and Sanchez highlights. In the middle of a grueling off-season, Sanchez news will be the hit football junkies need to get them by another slow news day.

Yes there's the highlights of Sanchez throwing passes, and the Favre drama helps. But it's not the same as real football, and your roommate/girlfriend/fisting partner is starting to complain.

Pick No. 6 Cincinnati Bengals Andre Smith OT Alabama.

The commentators are starting to compare Andre Smith to Rams OT Jason Smith, and god damn if after all the sports coverage you aren't understanding more than necessary. Sure an offensive line is important, but pushing at a defensive lineman just doesn't even have the excitement of even a tackle.

You realized as you compared offensive tackles that your roommate/girlfriend/Mark Sanchez blow-up doll is right, and that you do spend too much time on football. You promised to spend more time with and apologize to your significant other, who emotionally confesses to raping Ben Rolethisberger.

Pick No. 7 Oakland Raiders Not Michael Crabtree WR, Maryland?

It's a testament to Oakland's patience and medical marijuana programs that angry fans have not lit Al Davis on fire. The owner and general manager of the Raiders does everything possible in the draft to keep his team annually competing with the Lion for next years first selection. The elderly Davis fires coaches midseason on whim, while drafting project rookies like quarterback JaMarcus Russell and wide-out Darrius Heyward-Bey based on combine performances alone.

Every commentator and casual fan thought Commissioner Goodell must have mixed up his card for a brief moment as he read the Maryland students name. Surely Davis couldn't be retarded enough to a pick a receiver ahead of the Texas Tech's Superstar Michael Crabtree. But as Raiders fans are notorious for being the league's drunken brawlers, Davis can be thought of as the senile old lady driving Karma's car into the back of the Earl Hickeys of the football community.

The rest of the draft

Michael Crabtree went on to be taken by the San Francisco 49ers with the 10th pick overall, and Josh Freeman (another quarterback!) from Kansas State was drafted 17th by the Buccaneers. Other than that, you're probably better off getting the football fix from the Brett Favre media machine.