Windows 7

Windows 7, aka "Windows OK, We Get It, We're Really Sorry About Vista Can We All Just Get On With Our Lives Now."

An Extremely Finite Vista

After three years of telling us to like Vista, trying to fix Vista, trying to trick us into using Vista, forcing people to use Vista and basically ignoring how XP kicks Vista's bloated ass so bad even pirates won't steal it, Microsoft has finally admitted defeat and moved on to Windows 7. But like all the best sadistic villains, Vista has a parting shot: If you upgrade to 7 from anything else you'll lose every single file on your hard drive. Because Microsoft's new superbar is way more important than whatever silly things you've been putting on your computer.

Definitely Not OS X

In the worst PR event since the last time someone was actually honest in an interview, Microsoft partner group manager Simon Aldous said that Windows 7 was inspired by OS X. Microsoft then said that Simon Aldous was misinformed, inaccurate, has nothing to do with Windows 7, was really inaccurate, an idiot and gave the impression that if he doesn't wake up in Steve Ballmer's garbage disposal he should count himself extremely lucky.

Those Ads

The "Windows 7 Launch Party" ads are proof that the Homo Sapiens are dividing into new species. Whole teams of marketing executives, PR hacks and television "people" got together and produced this thing without once realizing it was a parody of human interaction. And they aren't rogue mutants; those are modern jobs - entire tax brackets filled with things who can no longer communicate with real people without a team of fake-smiling market-focussed minorities. And it's interesting to see that, on some survey somewhere, "old" is now a token demographic.

The fake party style starts off inoffensively stupid, but by two minutes you're slowly waking up to the idea that they're really going to keep this horror going all the way through. By three minutes you want Seinfeld and your shoes back. By four, you're looking up the ad on IMDB so you can find and kill those responsible, but by five you realize that the ad itself has already ensured their unemployment and eventual shamed starvation.

Bonus: Even in a nightmare parallel world where people throw parties for the latest emanations from their cyber-overlords, and the bridge to cross-cultural understanding is a new operating system, the collaborators still admit you should leave a few days to install the bloody thing before trying to use it.