X-Men Origins: Wolverine

For all those people out there who weren’t satisfied with the way things ended up in the X-Men Trilogy, FOX brings you the prequel to the unsatisfying-ness which is somehow exists for 107 minutes without story structure, continuity, or plot.


Just The Facts

  1. 1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine is a movie about a young Wolverine cub from the Canadian wilderness that grows up to be Hugh Jackman and fails miserably at maintaining an American/Canadian/Whatever-the-hell-hes-supposed-to-be accent.
  2. 2. Throughout the movie Wolverine does such things as; Growl, Yell, Flex, Growl, Contort his face like he just inhaled a really bad fart, and smirk. Oh yeah, and hes out to avenge something or other that didnt really happen. It isnt worth explaining.
  3. 3. The Deus Ex Machina of the movie is (SPOILER ALERT) Stryker shooting Wolverine in the head with Adamantium Bullets, because thats the way to make someones memories go away. Because thats how the brain works. It is. Seriously. No? All right, maybe they crapped the bed on that one

Hugh Jackman

When they wanted someone to portray this incredibly important character, the studio needed look no farther than the man who played the titular Wolverine in the X-Men trilogy, Mr. Hugh Jackman!!


What the hell?

Okay, let's try that again. Mr. Hugh Jackman!!

There, that's better

I've been told by multiple sources that don't actually exist that Mr. Jackman was chosen not for his acting, which is actually quite good, but for his uncanny resemblance to an actual Wolverine.


You know, if you squint your eyes just right, and ingest massive amounts of PCP, they look identical.

Cracked on X-Men Origins: Wolverine

This movie gives you a clear answer as to how and why Wolverine got his metal claws. Once that 6 minute scene is over, it's just a bunch of people doing their darndest to make an acceptable movie out of a nonexistent premise. X-Men Origins: Wolverine is the first in a (hopefully*) series of movies based on the lives of the X-Men before they were actually X-Men. Because if there's something people love, it's an origin story. Just imagine it now, 3 or 4 more movies like this where the audience is introduced to a character they don't know or care about, then something that defies the laws of physics and/or human anatomy occurs, and suddenly we care about them! Then they all go on solving their (insert relative/loved one here)'s disappearance/death for the next hour reminding you of something you're almost certain happened in a Steven Seagal movie once.

*In case you don't happen to have a cerebellum, that was sarcasm (and how are you reading this?)

My ass really itches, but....no, it's better not to.

Wolverine's story is rumored to be followed up by possibly Magneto, which will begin in the thrilling and whimsical world of the......holocaust. Or maybe Storm's story, yeah that's better. She grows up in New York, no holocaust there. Then moves to Egypt where a fighter jet crashes into her house.....killing her parents. God, these are depressing. How about Cyclops?! Sweet optic blasts and such? Let's see, he grew up in Alaska. Good so far. Had a good family, ok, i think we may have found our origin. Then they go on a nice little flight and get shot down by aliens?! What the fuck?

Ok, let's forget about these origin stories and just look at some pictures of puppies.


They're both sad because their parents were recently murdered by Nazi Alien Terrorists