Tetris

Tetris is possibly the single greatest game ever to involve small coloured blocks falling onto each other.

Just The Facts

  1. Tetris is a puzzle game originally designed by Alexey Pajitov
  2. It is available for nearly every games console, and even on graphic calculators
  3. The original tagline was "From russia with fun", something that can only be said about Tetris and nukes with chocolate in them

The Basics

How is it played?

It's a very simple game, Tetris. A random sequence of Tetrimones, or Pretty colourful bricks, as they are called by everyone who has never gone to work early to experiment with Nuclear fission, fall down the playing field like little colourful men falling from the windows of the World Trade Centre, and the player must manipulate them to create a line of blocks, which will then dissapear and increase the players high score. As the game continues the blocks fall faster, making the game more difficult which is proof that-

  • Russians hate happiness
  • If you succeed in life people want to fuck you up more
  • Tetris is awesome

There are many differant versions of Tetris, ranging from ones that feature hats to Pokemon Tetris. Of course, Tetris is a game with many many potential versions, with possible future versions including "Nicholas Cage's career Tetris", where instead of blocks you have bad movies, bad movies which stack up until his career is ruined, and Realistic Tetris, where the aim is simply to build a brick wall using cement, with none of the bricks ever deleting because that is not how a wall is built.

Effects of Tetris on the mind

Tetris is known to have some wonderful effects on the human mind, in fact, in January 2009, a study at Oxford university reported that volunteers who played Tetris soon after viewing traumatic material were less likely to have flashbacks to the traumatic material . To put it simply, if you have just seen something terrible, for example your pet pony Thundertrot having his skin ripped off and eaten in front of you by cannibals, or the movie Knowing, you can just play Tetris afterwards and forget about the whole thing.

His mum was just diagnosed with diabetes, but he got a high score straight after

Despite this, the game can cause a condition whereby people will see Tetris blocks involuntarily even when they are not playing the game. Imagine finally getting to make love to a woman, only for it to be disrupted by that dastardly S block jumping in bed with you? Or finally getting to put your finger inside a vagina, only to notice that an I block has already plugged that gap? That can actually happen, and is a warning to us all that Tetris is a menace.

A MENACE.

Meet the Gang

This is I block. He is the Batman of the Tetris Blocks world, mostly because he is fucking awesome and will always save the day. If you see him, you know some seriously good faeces is about to go down. He rarely has little usage, and is by far the most useful of all the Tetris blocks.

This is the J or L block, who is the Superman of the Tetris blocks world. He is useful, sure enough, and he has power, but sometimes he can mess things up, unlike Batman, who is awesome and never does things wrong ever.

This is the T block, he is the Robin of the Tetris blocks. He can, every now and again, have some sort of use and maybe even be very helpful every now and again, but really, he's just there to make it more of a challenge.

This is O block, the Wonder Woman of the Tetris blocks. Never not useful, but almost never incredibly helpful, the most attractive of the blocks.

This is the Z block, the Aquaman of the Tetris blocks. Basically, a complete useless prick. Whenever Batman need's help, in comes Aquaman, to completely fuck things up. Just when things seem to be going well, the Z block comes in, and can't really be placed anywhere without getting in the way, just like Aquaman always gets in the goddamned way of the superfriends and Tetris blocks.