Finland

Finland is a land of lakes, phones, metal, the Winter War, metal, saunas, drunks, metal, winter, rye-bread, and of course, metal.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userAgent.ind

Which Crime to Commit: A Flowchart for Finns

Just The Facts

  1. Finland's name in Finnish is Suomi;
  2. Finland has been controlled by Sweden(Queers) for about 800 years, and by Russia(Drunken assholes) for about a hundred years;
  3. Finland managed to kick the Soviet Union's ass in direct conflict, with only about 250,000 troops, while the Soviet Union had more than 1,000,000 men;
  4. Finland is a land of thousands lakes, much like Minnesota. Unlike Minnesota, Finland's population isn't comprised mostly of retards;
  5. No one honestly cares about Finland execpt Finns, and if you are reading this you are either bored or stupid. Since you are on Cracked, most likely both.

Cracked on Finland

History of Finland:

There is actually no joke here. It's just a graph.

As seen in the graph, the history of Finland is divided into four parts: The Time Finns Didn't Know They Were iIndependant, The Time Finns Thought They Were Independent, The Time Finns Knew They Weren't Independent and The Time Finns Know They Are indepent.

The Time They Didn't Know They Were Independent (8500 BC-1150 AD)

The Finns migrated to the land known as Finland in about 8500 BC, and became hunter-gatherers, making do with what they could get from the post-ice-age Finland. It was during this age that most of the Finnish culture formed, like the Sauna, the Finnish cottage (mokki), hunting (metsastys) and drinking themselves to death due to depression(perjantai-ilta). Controversially, this age is also known in some Finnish schools as "Really Fucking Boring".

The Time They Thought They Were Independent (1150 AD-1809 AD)

So, that life-style went on for thousansds of years, until their neighboring country, Sweden decided they wanted to take Finland for their own. Since Sweden was Christian, it was classified as a Crusade, and went on pretty succesfully. The people involved were the Swedish King, Erik and Saint Henry and a few of their mindless minions (Swedes). They managed to convert most of Finland,and started to colonise the South and West of Finland, just like the Finns had Post Ice-Age. After this, many years of Swedish rule over the Finns resulted. Finns hate Sweden(though they basically hate every other country on Earth), because of this 600 year rule. On one hand Sweden brought trade, a jump to the Medieval Age technologies, the possibility for Finnish language to develop, peace, the law and later on, the Renaissance . On the other hand, they are a bunch of goddamned queers.

During the Swedish rule, Finland was divided into two classes:

The nobles, priests, tradesmen, government officials and professionals were Swedish

The proletariat, poor, hunters, fishers and farmers were Finnish.

This is mostly the actual reason for hate for Swedes: Jealousy for the good things Sweden had, and bit of a class struggle. Money, power, land, you name it. Finns in Sweden were like red-necks in America: poor, ignorant, unlearned, mobbish and violent drunks. Good thing it has changed...

Sure it has.

Sure...

The Time They Knew They Weren't Independent (1809 AD-1917 AD)

Ahh, Russia. A big, friendly country right next to Finland. About ten umptillion times the size of Sweden. Sweden calls Russia's ally, Napoleon, the Antichrist. Smart move, Sweden. That's like going to Mike Tyson, and calling his mother a whore. So, political tensions went from mildly pleasant to outright war. Russia declared war with England, and Sweden being England's ally, there was war. Sweden foolishly thinks they can protect Finland and Sweden against Russia. They were wrong. Way-y-y wrong. Other than Finland changing owners, the Finnish War had a lot of positive affects: Sweden got a new constitution, the Finnish Language became more than the drunken slurrings of idiots, but a proper language like Swedish, with laws written in it and Russia gave Finland a lot of freedom overall.

The Declaration of Independence/The Finnish Civil War (27 January to 15 May 1918)

The Reds controlled the area colored red, whilst

the whites had the area in blue. Is it really surprising to say [spoiler] the whites won [/spoiler]

When the February revolution took place in Russia, resulting in Russia abandoning the Tsars, and no longer being an empire. This, however, was not the time Russia became Communist. Since the Tsar had been the Grand Duke of Finland, and was now dead, people were unsure as to who would rule Finland. The Russian Provisional Government was appointed the leaders of Russia after the February Revolution. The Finnish Governent decided that the parliament should have all the power in Finland, and passed the "Power Law", granting the parliament all power. The Russian Provisional Government, however, said "nuh uh", and disbanded the parliament, and held an election to determine which party would rule Finland, and the right wing won by a slim majority. Later, when Vladimir Lenin's Great October Socialist Revolution took place and Liberated the Enslaved Proletariat from The Corrupt Bourgeoisie, the right wing parties decided that letting radical socialists rule Finland through the Russian Provisional Government would be a bad thing, and declared independence on 6 December 1917. The Social Democratic Party staged a coup, in an attempt to get Finland to turn communist,eventually resulting in the Finnish Civil War, between the Red Guards(Finnish Communists) and the White Guards(Finns who wanted independence). Germany helped the White Guards, whilst Russa had told the Red Army not to interfere, as at the time Communist Ideology stressed the importance of people being free, as eventually everyone would choose Communism.

Not that Kind of Red Guard

Neither side was particulary skilled in combat, but the Whites had great advantages: The Germans and General Mannerheim. Mannerheim was a brilliant strategist, and later on was the sixth president of Finland. The Germans helped by bringing forth the greatest troops Finland has ever seen: The Jaakari (Jaakari is a corruption of the German word for "hunter", Jaeger) They were Finns who were trained in Germany, and hardened in the Eastern Front. This is the first example of Finns truly kicking Commie ass with the assistance of the Jaakari) Whites won, and made concentration camps to the Reds, which, as far as a free countries first actions go, wasn't all that great. Hardships endured at these camps included:

  • Food Shortages;
  • Torture
  • Vast Spread of Diseases (including Spanish Flu);
  • Excecutions;
  • Imprisonment of the Innocent.

The war had about 37,000 casualties, but more than a third of those deaths resulted from the terror campaigns both sides commited, and in the prison camps. Did we forget to mention the terror? Oh, that's right. Whenever you have small groups of violent, fanatical men, terror strikes occur. Sometimes, Finns massacred whole towns just to prove a point. Their point? That they could massacre entire towns and not feel bad about it. All the world-powers demanded that Finland stop the camps and give reperations, or they would not accept Finland's sovereignity. But, no amount of dead Ruskies could compare with the fact that Finland was an independent country for the first time in a thousand years.

The Winter And Continuation Wars

One of the thirty tanks Finland had.

The Winter War was a war fought between Finland and the Soviet Union during the Second World War. Germany and the Soviets had divided Eastern Europe between themselves, and the Soviet Union got Finland, which lead to the Winter War. Later when that alliance broke, Germany basically told the Soviets that their cousin Finland, who was totally like 7 feet tall, would kick their ass, which lead to the Continuation War. This time, the Nazis gave Finland support, in the form of troops, aircraft and tanks. The wars were the most epic in the history of anything. It had a small, peaceful democracy under attack by a huge, nearly unstoppable nation, for the sake of their independence.You might notice that it is the exact same premise as the American Revolution. We hold this as evidence enough that Finland will be a world power in the next 200-300 years. Anyway, the Winter War took place when The Soviet union attacked Finland, in 30 November 1939. The Soviet Union had three misconceptions about this War:

1. They thought they would be greeted as saviours.

2. They expected the war to be over soon.

3. They thought the Finns would be pussies.

The numbers showing the sizes of the armies are shocking in the huge advantage the Soviets had:

Finland Had:

  1. 250,000 men
  2. 30 tanks
  3. 130 aircraft

While The Soviet Union Had:

  1. 1,000,000 men
  2. 6,541 tanks
  3. 3,880 aircraft

Finland's Losses:

  1. 26,662 dead
  2. 43,557 wounded
  3. 1,000 captured
  4. 957 civilians and members of the merchant marine killed

The Soviet Losses:

  1. 87,506 killed and dead
  2. 188,671 wounded & contused
  3. 39,369 captured and missing
  4. 58,370 sick
  5. 17,867 frostbites
  6. 2,268+ tanks

To put that into some more context, it would mean that every Finn killed 4-5 Russians, in the freezing cold, with outdated weapons, and sisu. Before evidence of weapons fired was found, many historians believed that the Finns had, infact, clubbed the Sovets to death with their huge balls, and then continued to eat rye-bread and drink the blood of their enemies. Some Finns managed to kill hundreds of Ruskies (For more info on badass Finns, see 5 Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like A Pussy) The elite Jaakari proved once again just how badass they are. Many had kill-tolls in the hundreds, admittably by manning machine-guns against charging groups of mostly armed Russians who had been given orders not to attempt anything other than just charging, though most Jaakari killed about 5-10 Ruskies each. They rode fucking bicycles to war. They still used horses for almost all they could, dragging supplies and cannons etc. Horses. In World War Two. Finland fought hard. So hard, that the Russians resorted to a peace treaty, with Finland only losing 9% of Finland, Karelia, causing many a drunk FInn shout "Anna vittu se Karjala takas", which translates loosely to "Oh blessed Karelian land, we long for your independence,"then piss their pants and mutter something about "Suomi suomalaisille, saatana"

As has been said earlier, when the Nazi-Soviet Alliance broke, Hitler was positive Finns would help him war against the USSR. Finland believed that they might be able to regain lost land, showing how little they had learned. Basically, the exact same thing happened, except that the Finns decided to regain the missing 9%, and attacked Karelia. Russia won once again time, though Finns fought just as hard. Russians made Finns pay them 10 Million USD because the were the aggresor, or so the Soviet Union convinced the world. All in all, a shitty situation.

Aftermath

Not Pictured: Karelia

Finland had managed to defend itself from the USSR, and managed well. One problem persisted, though: the USSR won the war, and Finland sided with the Nazis, you know, the guys who killed 12 million people and lost the war? Though it never became a part of the Axis, Finns weren't that liked politically. So, Finland did the only thing it could to keep their independence: They became the Soviet Union's bitch. If you've ever heard of the term "Finlandization" you know what we mean. The term means " A small country affecting their politics because of a large neighboring country." Finns had to stop books from being sold that might have offended the Soviets, it was not proper to talk about the Winter War, etc. Finland had kept its independence, but lost its freedom. They had no power to chose, and were kept on a very short leash. That, coupled with the fear of nuclear annihilation that the Cold War brought, made living in Post WWII Finland hell. But, at least they were independent in hell.

The Time They Know They Are Independent ( 1991AD- Today)

After the Soviet Unions collapsed, Finland finally had a say in its own politics. Books flooded back, people were allowed to travel a lot more than they used to and Finland had got back their liberty. It was a time of rejoicing, and we became a proper Western Country, no longer a pseudo-Soviet Bloc one. It was a glorious time indeed, a time of free speech and equality. Being gay in public still resulted in imprisonement, but step by step, Finland became more of a good place to live. Nowadays, it is a thriving democracy, with a high GDP and low infant mortality rate, and is much like England or America. Unlike those countries, Finland has not been attacked by terrorists, is barely affected by the recession, has large areas of forests, the best education system in the world (it's free by the way), even beating Japan, free health care, dental care and a program making sure even the poorest of drunks can afford some booze. It also has hills made of chocolate, rivers of gold, and unicorns.

Finnish Contrubutions to the World

Finland has made many, many contributions to the World, too many to list adequately.

Dudesons:

The Dudesons is a group of Finnish University Professors, who use their knowledge on physics, thermodynamics and various other things to test various common folk sayings, and myths, much like the Myhtbusters. Unlike the Mythbusters, they do not test obscure myths, or movie myths, but things that have much more importance in everyday life. Some of the things they have tested include:

1.Does it hurt to have ants in your asshole? (Yes)

2.How much reindeer mik can you drink through your nose?(One glass, but you end up puking it through your nose)

3.How many times can you hit a person in the balls with a baseball bat until they puke?(3-5)

Nokia:

It is NOT a Japanese company.

Nokia is a Finnish cell-phone company that used to make boots. Since rubber boots have so much in common with high-tech cellphones, they make a very wide assortment of easy-to-use, sturdy and very advanced phones that most of the people in the world with cell-phones have. And, hey, It's Maddox approved .

Finnish-Metal

Finnish Metal is some of the best known in the world, with many bands known over the world. Some of the most known ones include:

Lordi(Finnish version of "Lord") is the only Metal, or even remotely rock-sounding band ever to win the Eurovision song-contest, and is one of the biggest reasons for pride in Finland. Many Finnish assholes made stupid bets about what they would do if Lordi won Eurovision, since almost no-one liked the band. The bets ranged from moving to Sweden to eating a hatful of crap, though we aren't sure which one is worse.

Korpiklaani(Far-away Forest-Clan) is a very popular folk-metal band from Finland. It plays various songs relating to Finnish culture, be it our logging industry("Metsamies"), the Solstice("Midsummer Night") or alcohol("Beer, Beer", "Let's Drink", "Vodka", "Happy Little Boozer", "Ryyppajaiset"). For some inexplicable reason, Polacks and Ukrainians seem to like it very much.

Sample Song:

Nightwish is a symphonic power metal band that is very succesful, having solde over 5 million records worldwide. This may not seem that large an amount, but it's Finland, so you have to forgive them. They are a power metal band, so they play a lot of music with fantasy elements in it.

The Suomi M-31 SMG

The Suomi SMG is one of the best, sturdiest and most effective weapons of the Second World War. It was used by the Finnish conscripts, and was copied ny the Russians for their own weapons, the PPD-40 and PPSh-41:

Look familiar?

It was such an effective SMG that it was used by countries like Sweden, Estonia, Denmark, Switzerland and Russia.

The Fucking Molotov Cocktail

Contrary to popular belief, the Molotov Cocktail is not a Russian invention, but a Finnish weapon used in WWII because of a lack of proper weapons. A Molotov is a small bottle, filled with alcohol, petrol and tar, with a small fuse that is lit on fire. The tar keeps the explosive burning, and is very useful when you have run out of proper explosives. When Finns couldn't get Molotovs, they sometimes dismantled tanks using crowbars or even logs found on the ground. The Russian Foregin Minister Molotov's claim that the explosives dropped from Soviet bombers were actually food rations for the starving Finns made the Finns refer to the bombs as "Molotov Bread Baskets," where they got the name for the Molotov Cocktail, a "drink to go with the food."

Moomin

These adorable little nudists were creations of Tove Jansson, who, despite her Swedish name, was a Finn. They were originally aimed at adults, who needed a place to escape to during World War Two. Later, it gained popularity as a Children's thing, and began it's conquest of Europe. It even has a TV series made in Japan, and before you ask, no, the Moomin cannot combine to form a super-robot to fight aliens in that show.Depending on your point of view, that makes Moomin either better or worse than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Max Payne

A Finnish studio is responsible for the critically acclaimed series of Max Payne series.The game follows the story of a New York policemen with "nothing to lose". The game was very well recieved, and has a sequel, with a second one in the works right now, and has been made into a crappy video-game movie, by none other than Uwe Boll. Among the games many features are the ability to slow down time, the force of will not to end your life in incredibly depressing situations, and being able to "pull the trigger", allowing bullets to fly from your "weapons" in a way that wounds, and often kills, your "target".

Rainbows

According to Biblical evidence, the first rainbow, a sign from God, was shown to Noah just 10 miles from the city of Oulu. Because of this momentuous occasion, a huge Chapel, known as the Chapel of the Holy Floodhas been built on the site, and is a very common site of pilgrimage for many devout believers in either Christianiry or Judaism. The Pope decalred the site Holy in 1979.

Famous Finnish Murderers

Lalli

In case you couldn't guess, Lalli is the guy who gives that Saint there the axe. The other guy is the Saint Henry who began converting Finland because the Swedish said he should. Henry is visiting a Finn who's husband is hunting, asks the wife for a little food. The wife refuses, since the family isn't that well off. Henry decides he wants to eat, and steals some bread and runs away. Lalli catches up to him, and gives him a lesson about why you don't fucking take anything from a Finn, goddamnit. Unfortunately for Lalli, Henry has the whole Saint thing going for him, so not only does Lalli get huge pain from trying to use Hanry's ring and hat, the records of history say that Henry paid Lalli's wife and that the wife lied that henry stole because she's was bitch.

Jammu-seta

Jammu is a paedophile. You may ask how that is special. Well, Jammu-Seta( Jammu is the nickname he gave himself, Seta means uncle in Finnish) has basically become a synonym for paedophile in Finland. He kidnapped two girls, raped them numerous times, killed them and then stuffed them into a small fire he had, burned the remains, put the ashes in a trashbag, and went on with his life. The monster was caught, trialed and hanged. No wait, Finland doesn't do capital punishment. Instead he was given life in jail. It's extremely difficult to make this funny, so here's a picture of a monkey hugging a dog.

Juha Valjakkala

Juha Valjakkala basically lived GTA. He stole a bike, murdered the family of the bike and went to prison. He tried to escape four times, and was paroled later. He drove recklessly in an unlicesenced taxi, and went to jail for tthat. Is that it? No, it isn't. He has already been released from jail.(For more, better written info on Juha, see 5 Horrific Serilal Killers(Who are free right now)

Mystery Killer of Lake Bodom

Not picuterd: Violent murder

Lake Bodom is a body of water in the Finnish national preserve of Nuoksio. It is a rather large lake, and is a site for a triple homicide that happened when some teenagers were camping near the lake. Admittedly, that sounds a lot like the plot to Friday 13. One camper was outside, and wasn't killed, therefore he was sent to jail, which is bit of a bitch, since that would mean that every main character in a slasher film would go to jail. However, after years of research, he was found to be innocent, which means that the Finnish Jason Voorhees, Jaska Voorhinen, is still on the loose. Because of the infamous murder, a Finnish metal band has named themselves, Children of Bodom.