By Products Of Being Fucking Badass

Want to know why being ultimately cool sucks my friends? Why being the one everyone loves to hate could possibly be like swallowing razor blades? Well then pull up an irony chair and prepare to be shocked.

Driving A Badass Car

Awesome But Painful.

Clearly a key element of being "that guy" is having the ability to pull a cool line before jumping over the closed door of your convertible and driving away in a 'emo but cool at the same time' kind of way. But as you're cursing the jerk who just captured the heart of your girlfriend, have you ever considered how difficult it would have been for him to pull of that stunt?

Price:

First of, how much of his life savings must have gone on that car? It's possible he's not going to go to University because of this car - it could even have made him homeless. Now that kind of purchase is clearly a commitment; a financially crippling commitment that will see him stuck in a low paid job for the rest of his life. Suddenly it's not so funny is it?

Miles to the gallon:

To further this point, who's ever heard of a good looking and ultimately 'badass' car that got a good MTG rating? I mean when was the last time you saw someone who screamed cool pull up in a Ford fiat? Did The Fonz drive a Ford fiat? The answer is a resounding 'hell no'. So on top of paying for a ridiculously overpriced car they also have the notion of paying a stupid amount of money on petrol to maintain the status of 'badass'.

The danger:

Car drivers will know, the road is a scary and life-threatening place; even with my provisional licence I still shake with fear every time I look at a road - which is worrying roads are kind of crucial to getting places. And anyone who's anyone knows badasses don't wear a seatbelt whilst moving at high speeds in a car, it's an unwritten and quite frankly stupid rule - but a rule nonetheless.

No Male Friends

Indeed.

It's a sad fact that no 'badass' can have a male friend because of the amount of attention the ladies give him; it would be like a straight fellow admitting Robert Pattison was a pretty cool guy - it's never going to happen because he's the guy hypothetically mind scoring with your girlfriend. Even if the 'badass' imagines he does have some close friends, they all hate him inside because they're not him. Eventually this will lead to the 'badass' becoming completely alone by the age of 23 and suffering from manic depression syndrome; causing him to eat all his own hair. But hey, maybe I'm looking into this one a bit too much, who knows? The basics of it is that the 'badass' is doomed to live his life surrounded by women. It's a hard life, but someone has to do it.

Going to The Defence of The Weak

Blowing Shit Up Is Just A By-Product

The badass code states "one may only break character and unleash violence when going to the defence of those weaker than you and facing immediate tyranny'. I can think of a couple of problems with this. Firstly, this means you have to go to their defence regardless of how many overly muscled jocks are beating the living daylights out of the defenceless child/girl/old-woman and secondly, that the proposed 'badass' can only come out of the fight with two possible results.

Lose

The badass loses the fight. He also loses his right to be called a badass, and possibly a man. This is the thanks he gets for going to the defence of the child/girl/old-woman. Also, there's a good chance he could be killed if the fights severe enough, and in this case his body will be buried in a flaming combine harvester to symbolise the disappointment of his peers.

Win

The badass wins the fight. He is now slightly cooler and most likely bleeding from several orifices, but it was completely worth it. He can now turn his head to the child/girl/old-woman and whisper (but just enough so that the massive crowd that has gathered can hear) "Don't worry, they won't mess with you again" before slowly turning and walking into the applauding crowd. Awesome, right? Oh Jesus no. Now the badass has more enemies because of the fact he had to go to the defence of this random citizen; this spells more beatings and a lower life expectancy.

This is clearly a no win scenario.

Never Being As Cool As Chuck Norris

The Ultimate (If Not Overused) Badass

After all that they have suffered through to gain their place as a 'badass', there will always be someone more fucking badass than them. Even the most badass of the most badass will never be as cool as Chuck Norris, it's just not heard of. How many times have you heard the expression, "Barry Scott does not wear a condom, because there is no such thing as protection from Barry Scott."? You haven't, because that's reserved for the man himself - no one will ever top that, ever. In the history forever. And this is the sad fact every 'badass' has to live with.

On top of this, 'outsiders' will evermore be following sites such as: http://www.ehow.com/how_2058086_be-badass.html attempting to get in on their proffesion - making it even harder! Bad times indeed.

Going Against Society

Boyya.

It's a crucial factor in some ways, if everyone else loves it then as the badass you are obligated to automatically hate it. It brings me back to my childhood; when I was running around in the time of pokemon cards desperately trying to sell my soul for a Charmander, there was always one kid in the corner who was just "too cool for pokemon cards". I mean this would be okay for something like the slightly less awesome Digimon series, but they must miss out on some pretty important 'fads'. If worshiping pieces of paper aren't taught at an early age then how will they get a concept of money and its worth? They won't is the clear answer hear - and without things like that to keep their childhood moving, their soul is slowly destroyed inside.

Only Loving The One Girl

A badass may only ever fall in love once. And it happens within the space of a week. During this week the badass will see the girl who he feels differentiates herself from every other girl praying for his attention and then goes for it. A pathetic excuse for a plot follows and she's dead by the following Monday - the 'badass' will never love again. To emphasise this point he has to carry her body up a rainy mountain screaming "Why god why!?" before reaching the peak, saying some meaningful anecdote about love and war and returning to his village alone.

On a side note here, every girl he sees will remind him of the loss of her, and so will possibly bring more pain. Luckily half the population aren't women so that shouldn't be too much of a… Oh wait.

All In All...

And so in conclusion, we have truly been on a one time voyage of saddening realism. While being the 'badass' everyone knows and respects you as is fun, apparently there are many a con to being this figure in society. Performing this civil duty involves putting more than just your life on the line, it involves the will to sacrifice it all and then come back and do it again just for the comedic value of whoever happens to be watching you, then for no reason eating an entire roast chicken. The damands are indeed high, and only few will make it there in one piece. God bless them all.

When you next see that lone figure walking into the distance, shed a tear for him. Because he's unable to.