Yaoi

Yaoi is a dignified genre of Japanese anime that takes a muscular teenage boy and a small, long-haired teenage boy and shows that they don't have to conform to Japanese culture. Then, they make love. Love that makes porn look well written.

This is with the filter on.

This one was on Wikipedia.

Just The Facts

  1. Yaoi is a genre of anime and manga that centers around male-male relationships.
  2. Yaoi has no real plot. It's just a bunch of poorly drawn hugging scenes with some words for good measure.
  3. Yaoi stands for "YAma nashi, Ochi nashi, Imi nashi", or "No climax, no point, no meaning".
  4. However, it really means "YAmete! Oshiri ga Itai!", or "Stop! My ass hurts!"
  5. Yaoi started out as a parody genre, but it evolved, much like the loveable Pikachu becomes the fat and ugly Raichu.
  6. Not even the manga artists take Yaoi seriously. The fans do, though.
  7. If it exists, there is Yaoi of it.
  8. Technically, there is a difference between "Yaoi porn" and "boy's love", but no one really cares and uses "Yaoi" as a blanket term.
  9. If you say you hate Yaoi to a Yaoi fangirl, you will be called homophobic. No exceptions.
  10. It's porn. It's fucking porn.

The Basics

Yaoi started out as a tiny blip on the radar of manga fans in the 1970s. At the time, manga such as Saint Seiya were very popular. However, two women, Yasuko Sakata and Akiko Hatsu, thought up an idea. That idea? "What if I make a comic book about two men doing eachother?" While "shounen-ai", comics about the non-sex parts of man-on-man, was out for some time, the women decided that the comics were too hard to understand and just started drawing dongs on paper.

Shounen-ai

"...I don't get it." -Sakata

The two women didn't know that the Yaoi they created would eventually grow into a horrid genre of plotless, pointless, pussy-less drawings and animation. Manga began to be published, anime began to be sold in stores, and fat, sex-crazed women in their 40s began to "squee" like little pigs.

Stephanie Meyer

Probably a closet Yaoi fan.

Japanese women began to wave their Hello Kitty vibrators in praise. However, Yaoi soon blossomed into a horrible word that struck fear into American anime fans.

Yaoi's hatedom is a moderate double-standard. Most male anime fans will lower their left hands in joy whenever someone mentions girl-girl stuff, but once Yaoi comes up, they tend to act as if a woman just said "period" and run away. What really is wrong with Yaoi is the utter stupidity of the scripts. Yaoi almost always has one person rape the other, one of them dies at the end, and women apparently have never lived on Earth. Ever.

The two main problems, however, are always the two main characters...

The Seme

The Seme

Japan has no word for "consensual".

The seme is the "top" of a Yaoi duo. Seme directly translates to "attacker" and used to be a karate term before people made it a Yaoi term (probably those girls on Nico Nico Douga, Japan's Newgrounds). You can easily tell the seme apart from all the other characters because the seme is usually...

  1. Muscular, but with a pretty face.
  2. Blue haired. With spikes.
  3. He might not remember anything about his past. Apparently having no money or job is attractive for Japanese boys.
  4. At least six-inches taller than his "partner in crime".
  5. Voiced by one of your favorite voice actors.

The seme usually meets his partner, or "uke", while the uke is either gardening, going to school, getting his ass kicked by bullies, or busy being the seme's son(no, really).

Papa to Kiss in the Dark

Wikipedia: "Mira Munakata is a freshman who, in the first scene of the anime, is going to his first day at Hakuou High School. He is in love with Kyousuke Munakata, a handsome actor and his father, and the two of them are involved in a romantic and sexual relationship." Way to go, Wikipedia. You managed to hide the whole "father" part behind "handsome actor".

The seme is a strange race of Homosexual Sapien. Most seme tend to rape their partner. Like most soap operas, Yaoi tends to use the "Rape is Love" cliche a lot, minus the 100% chance of pregnancy.

Surviving the Seme:

There is no way to ignore the seme himself as he is usually the main character. Keep your eyes away from any of the "No Touch" areas and ignore any lines he says, as they are more toxic than all of Edward Cullen's lines combined. Instead, replace them with lyrics from Muppet songs.

How to survive: Seme

...It's not working!

The Uke

The Uke

He looks like a woman. Isn't that what every gay guy wants?!

Like seme, "uke" was once a karate term for "receiver". The uke, holding to his name, receives any limb the seme sends his way, be it his lips, arms, penis, or tentacles. It's very easy to find an uke in an anime. All you need to do is remember that he...

  1. Has woman-like hair.
  2. Has woman-like legs.
  3. Has woman-like facial features.
  4. Wears woman-like clothes.
  5. Is basically a woman with a dong.

Often times, you will go onto forums and see a post with a picture of a cute little girl from an anime, video game, or manga.

Jun Watarase, "Happiness"

You then ask who she is. Ohohoho, big mistake. You will then be shown something like this...

Jun Watarase, plus penis.

IT'S A TRAP!

You then die a little inside.

Most real gay men tend to hate the uke part of Yaoi. They complain that the uke, being a woman with a dong, is nothing but a steriotype that there is always a "man" and a "woman" in gay relationships. That is why Bara started, with two MANLY MEN screwing eachother instead of women with dongs. People tend to not talk about Bara, but the fans tend to be more tolerable than the...well, you'll see in a second, won't you?

Surviving the Uke:

It's rather simple to survive the uke. As he is a woman with a penis, you can simply pretend he's a woman, like the seme does. Then, while the scenes are still awful, your Christian values are not questioned, you sick, sick Fundamentalist.

Pope Molestsalot MXX

"Cain and Able's kids? Um...THE STORK!!!!"

Or, if you aren't a homophobic douche, just try to cover your ears. The uke tends to have a voice that is more annoying than Gilbert Gottfried, Glenn Beck, and all of characters from Showgirls combined, and he is constantly set to either "cry" or "bitch", with no off-button in site.

The Women

See "The Plot" and "Famous Yaoi Artists".

The Fangirls

Yaoi Fangirls, plus Yaoi Pets

Yaoi Fangirls, plus Yaoi Pets

The fangirls are what makes Yaoi so evil. Similar to Twilight fans, Yaoi fangirls, or "Fujoshi" as they wish to be called, are everywhere online, from DeviantART to Livejournal to right here at little ol' Cracked. Yaoi Fangirls are just like everyone else, but they enjoy the thought of you and your college roommate fucking. But what they really want to see is you two going all Twilight on eachother, then fucking. At first, you may think they are perfectly nice girls(or, so help us, guys).

Renge, "Ouran High School Host Club"

A Yaoi Fangirl in her normal state.

However, once something becomes even slightly homoerotic, she'll shit her pants and force it to get anal.

Renge, eating your face.

"MOAR BUTTSECKS!!!"

The discovery of the Yaoi Fangirl also brought some unwelcome fanart...

Surviving the Fangirls:

Never talk to a fangirl unless you need to. She will try to get you into your brother's pants. Never go near her when she has her back to you, as she may be watching something that could give her ideas. You must also never turn your back to her, as she will use anything she can get her hands on as a dildo. As fangirls are just vampires with Hello Kitty vibrators, anything from holy water to crosses will help destroy them.

Scientology Cross

Not this one, though. It makes them stronger.

Also, it appears that fangirls refuse to "ship" actual gay characters. All fanfiction seems to pair on straight man with another straight man. The gay characters remain dignified and unscathed. For example, while Hiccan, Northstar, and Hulkling are all gay superheroes, there tends to be more fanart of Superman screwing Batman around on the internet. In otherwords, be gay. Now.

The Fanart a.k.a. Rule 34

Once George Bush Sr. brought the Yaoi virus back to America after his trip to Japan(the real cause for VomitGate), it spread to every college girl in America. This has caused them to "buy" drawing programs and make fanart. While it may seem innocent enough, they eventually went onto drawing subjects too close to home.

Rule 34 is heinous because people tend to only 34 childhood memories. While there is nothing wrong with porn(after all, you're all on Cracked, aren't you?), the fact of the matter is is that no sane person wants to see Smurfette have a six-way with Megatron, Zordon, Cinderella, Ash Ketchum, and Princess Peach. It's just weird. And we all know that Smurfette would do it if she had the chance, that whore!

Harry Potter:

Harry Potter Yaoi

Just wait until you get into the Lupin/Sirius stuff.

While Kirk/Spock shit was all over the place since the show started, Harry Potter was the first series that the Goddess of Yaoi...Claire, decided should be worshiped by her followers. I doubt Dumbledore minds. You may already know how people take Harry Potter and make it into a great big Goblet of Fire. Complete with anime eyes and enough Fred and George "twincest" that would make Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch vomit, Harry Potter was not the first fandom to be ruined by Yaoi because the Yaoi is mostly overshadowed by the fanfictions that obsess over shipping. Oh God! Shipping!

Kingdom Hearts:

I think their pairing is called...ManSax.

I think their pairing is called...ManSax.

Once Harry Potter got boring, the girls moved onto (slightly) more dignified material. With almost a 69 to 1 ratio of males to females and more gay subcontext than all of Oscar Wilde's novels combined, naturally they picked Kingdom Hearts. Kingdom Hearts, and to that extent, Disney and Final Fantasy Yaoi, is a vital part of DeviantART's income. With every piece of artwork you buy, they make money and an angel masturbates in fury.

Kingdom Hearts fans can be divided into three groups: Girls who hate the female characters for being useless 'girls' and make Yaoi of the guys, guys who make fanfictions with a thinly-veiled version of themselves set in the story, and 30-year-old nerds who buy inflatable dolls of Kairi. It's up to you to decide which is worse.

Normal Anime and Games:

Leik, OMG! SMEXY!

Leik, OMG! SMEXY!

This is where normal people noticed the artwork was getting out of hand. Once things like NarutoxSasuke, SonicxShadow, and even GaryxAsh came onto the radar, the Fangirls...won. They just won.

Kids' Shows:

...

...

Back to the subject of Slutty Smurf, people tend to view their childhood as something holy. Therefore, they try to find reasons to masturbate to it. To be frank, the man-on-woman stuff tends to be worse than the Yaoi of children's shows, simply because no one wants to see Sailor Moon being plowed by Goku and Vegeta, and knowing the internet, you probably have. Also, try to explain to your son or daughter why Jake Long and Ron Stoppable are holding eachother after they Google image search for them.

...I'm going to delete my browsing history now.

Surviving the Fanart:

There is no survival. Only Death. Or just keep your Google filter on high.

Death playing a phallic flute.

"Be thankful I didn't show you bukkake fanart."