The Worst Movie Vampires

Since the dawn of time Vampires have been reviered as the most seductive and nut bustingly awesome predator movies and books have to offer. However in recent times there has been a backwards slide in the world of vampirism. Meet the bottom feeders.

I vant to ruin your movie!

Just The Facts

  1. Most vampires suck blood out of the neck. These ones apparently have been sucking it out of a dead man's ass.
  2. In old folklore vampires had even weirder weakness than crosses and garlic. Like if you threw an open bag of rice on the floor they had no choice but to pick up every single grain and count it.
  3. Before the novel "Dracula" reimagined the myth vampires were thought to stay in their graves in the ground (rather than in elaborate castles) when not feeding. This lead to many corpses getting dug up and staked "just in case" during medieval times.

Edward Cullen

Vampires can be many things: frightening, seductive, creepy, and even funny. But one thing they have to be is dangerous. A vampire (saintly or evil) that isn't dangerous is just an emo who won't die. Such is the case with Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) from Twilight.

Edward, and for that matter the entire Cullen "family" may be immortal, beautiful and strong. But they're also all world class pussies. A "vegetarian" vampire who only feeds on animals Edward can't even muster up a decent bout of being tempted to feed. Sure he rants on for a while about how dangerous he is but Bella clearly didn't buy it so why should we? So he's not dangerous. He's also not a creature of the night. Thanks to living in Washington State which enjoys frequent cloudy weather he's more creature of the overcast day. He goes about in the day rather freely. And if he should happen to set foot in direct sunlight is there any burning? Any fire? Just a puff of smoke even? A little sizzle of bacon? Nope... he fucking glitters. A vampire who looks like he he lost a fight against a bedazzler is a sad excuse for a man, to say nothing of a vampire.

Maximillian

Seems like all vampires that try to be sophisticated come from either Transylvania or somewhere in Europe (nowhere specific, but just European enough to be snotty). So the notion of a Caribbean gentleman vampire seems like a nice change of pace for a movie. That is unless that movie is Vampire in Brooklyn. Eddie Murphy hadn't yet realized the big bucks were in fart jokes for the kiddies so he tried for that delicate balance of horror and comedy and fell flat on his face.

Apparently in the Caribbean incest is best, because Maximillian can't keep on trucking if he doesn't find a half vampire from his bloodline to turn into his mate. So this vampire family tree is a wreath. And to top it all off he uses his supernatural shape shifting powers to pose as Preacher Pauly (clearly some long lost member of the Klump family) and preach to a congregation that "Evil is good," and they buy into it just like that. Funny or not (and it's not) for a vampire this is just shamefully embarassing. If you're own powers of seduction are so poor that you need to turn into a portly preacher and talk about how "ass is good" in order to bag a chick then you don't deserve your fangs.

Drake

Blade: Trinity needs a big bad villain. Muscle-bound, multi-fanged and able to shape shift, what could go wrong? Well you could name him "Drake," give him a juvenile fondness of the term "motherfucker" and cast Dominic Purcell. Purcell may have an intimidating body but he's got the charisma of a corn flake and doesn't cut it as the "ultimate vampire." Despite being a suposed supreme badass he spends most of the movie hiding from or running from Blade. To try and give himself a reprieve and prove his badassness he faces down Blade in broad daylight (before running away like a sissy for no good reason). I suppose that might have seemed like a big deal if Deacon Frost hadn't already done the same damn thing TWO MOVIES AGO! Supposedly this poser is Dracula but he's not fooling anybody, he's just a chump.

Santiago

Interview with the Vampire has more than it's fair share of really great vampires. From the underage murderess Claudia to the ancient overly sexual Armand it's wall to wall full of some great blood suckers. But then off in the corner there's Santiago (Stephen Rhea), who most of us try to forget. This annoying little fancy pants is too busy dancing up the side of a bridge to actually be scary. He's an actor too, and a buffoonish one at that. Apparently his super vampire ability is that he's able to mimic what other people are doing really well... and lest we forget: he's living in Paris, France and wears white gloves. It's Super Mime!

Caleb

Corey Feldman as a vampire might have had some camp possibilities. But as seen in Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood the actual results were just painful. Feldman was clearly suffering from coolness envy at how much of a goof he looked in The Lost Boys compared to Keifer Sutherland (hell, even compared to Jason Patric). So he tried to ape Sutherland's rock and roll vampire, but really this guy is just a punk bitch. For crying out loud he get killed by Dennis Miller with a squirt gun. No that's not a joke, that's what actually happens.

The Countess

Back in 1985 there was a lousy little vampire comedy called Once Bitten. It didn't do much and was largely ignored, and so should have stayed. Sadly though, the unknown at the time lead of the film was Jim Carrey so after he shot to stardom in the 90s this found new life on video and cable. Which means more people than was ever necessary have been subjected to the very sad vampiric mess that is The Countess (Lauren Hutton).

Here's the rundown: The Countess is immortal but not eternally youthful. At least not if she doesn't feed on the blood of a virgin three times (on three successive nights) before Halloween every year. If she fails to do that she becomes about as sexy as the rapping gramma. So it's a bit of a weird rule but it seems easy enough. The Countess is her own worst enemy because first off she apparently won't go in for an ugly virgin (apparently back in the 80s Jim Carrey could pass for attracive) so she's cut her options down severely for no reason beyond pride.

But then she gets really bone-headed. She feeds from Jim Carrey on the first night and then lets him stroll out the front door. Granted he doesn't remember the biting right off (he thinks he got laid) but when he starts showing vampire tendencies this give him and his girlfriend plenty of time to figure out what's up and then fight back. Any vampire with half a brain would find a virgin and lock him the fuck up to feed on for three days. WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM LEAVE YOU DUMB BITCH?!?!?

The really sad thing is that because she was only severely aged and never staked this raggedy old biddy is still out there somewhere, trying to seduce the boy who changes her colostomy bag as part of his schools outreach program.

Every Vampire in "From Dusk Till Dawn" Not Played By Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek owns this film as the nearly naked, snake dancing, Quentin Tarantino eating Santanico Pandemonium. But then she gets the stake and pretty much every other vampire in this flick sucks balls.

Let's consider the facts. These are supposed to be the undead killing machines who own the Titty Twister bar... and yet a bunch of them die in the initial assault on the bar patrons. This despite the fact that they have the element of surprise and theoretically have done this thousands of times before. So practice never made perfect apparently.

Next let's consider how easily these beasties are staked. Just about ANYTHING wooden will do, even an unsharpened chair leg. Seriously, goes straight through them. Sex Machine (yes that's really the character's name, Tom Savini played him) even comments that they seem "softy and squishy." Soft and squishy is just one step up from cute and cuddly.

Finally there's the weakness to crosses. Now this is fairly standard but these guys are such wimps that any two straight objects held perpendicular to each other is enough to ward them off. No fooling, Harvey Keitel keeps them away by holding a baseball bat across a shotgun. While slightly badass that sure as shit isn't a holy symbol.

Rudolph

This little scamp from The Little Vampire is here for one reason. He had the chance to rid the world of Jonathan Lipnicki (the vomitously adorable moppet from Jerry Maguire) and he didn't do it. Just one bite to the neck and the world could have danced as that bespeckled little bag of precocious shit bled out on the floor. But no, instead he has been allowed to grow up into an increasingly creepy looking adult and for that Rudolph will forever live in shame.