Crystal Meth

Meth is an illegal stimulant with the power to turn hot chicks into something resembling that shambling old bathtub lady in "The Shining."

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maria Shriver!

Just The Facts

  1. Meth was used by the German military in WWII, and may have been used by Hitler himself, possibly either treating or causing Parkinson's Disease. [Author's Note] Treating or causing huh? Well fuck you too, Wikipedia.
  2. Meth can cause "Amphetamine Psychosis" Which is a technical way of "Losing your shit harder than Brock Lesnar on HGH" You develop hallucinations, extreme paranoia, fear of persecution, and uncontrollable muscle twitches.
  3. Intravenous meth users can show rashes at the injection site, called "speed bumps". Which just goes to show you, even when you're talking about a junkie's rashes, there's always room for puns.
  4. A pipe used for smoking meth is sometimes called a "glass dick". Everytime this happens, Sigmund Freud rolls over in his grave. [Citation Needed]

Meth and the sexings.

Users may exhibit sexually compulsive behaviour while under the influence, and forget or choose not to use a condom. The urgency for sex combined with the inability to achieve release (ejaculation for all you squares) can result in tearing, chafing, and trauma (such as rawness and friction sores) to the sex organs, the rectum and mouth, dramatically increasing the risk of transmission of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Methamphetamine also causes erectile dysfunction due to vasoconstriction. So to put it into layman's terms, you're chillin, doping it up, color-coding the toothpicks, when your brain (and the meth) tell you "UP AND AT EM CHAMP! WE'S GOT FUCKIN TO DO! AND BY THE WAY, ALL THOSE TOOTHPICKS ARE THE SAME COLOR!" You then proceed to find a willing sex partner, but if your girlfriend is on meth too, then her vagina is drier than Judi Dench's.

It's like sandpaper.

Desperate, furiously erect, and doped out of your fucking gourd, you decide to give it the old one man effort and bash the bishop. 90-120 minutes later, you're still going at it, bleeding through your fingers, but so dedicated to your purpose that minor flesh wounds no longer concern you. If you're of average intelligence, you will eventually decide that this an altogether embarassing exercise in futility, and retire to the bandage cabinet. If your IQ is a bit lower then normal, you continue actively fapping until you tear your junk right off.


And that's not even the bad part.

Short Term

Meth is a stimulant, giving you 2-10 hours (dependant on quality) of extreme jitters, paranoia, and energy, Not to mention the ability to wash dishes, mow your lawn, wax your car, and spout unintelligible bullshit simultaneously (at 4:00 AM)

Long Term

Long term effects include lung and throat damage (After smoking acetone and lye? Who would have thought?), Skin problems due to picking, And "meth mouth", a condition characterized by people turning white and fleeing in horror every time you smile.

Meth user? Pirate of the Caribbean? You decide.


Crystal Methamphetamine is a powerful, fiercely addictive drug that is made by combining random chemicals and cough medicine, either by cooking it and blowing up your house,

All things you should totally be smoking, especially batteries and salt.

or shaking it up in a plastic bottle and blowing your arm off.

Don't worry, this seems totally legit.

Either way's fine, we're not here to judge.

Cracked on Meth

As you may know, we here at Cracked have never (been allowed to but have always secretly) supported any form of illegal intoxication, but if you are in a life-threatening situation that involves you doing almost ANYTHING vs. doing crystal meth,

Yes, even that.

We suggest you do whatever it is that's not meth.

Unless you wanna end up looking like this guy.

Sgt. Hovrath, my ass.