Celiac Disease

Celiac Disease is an intolerance to gluten, an amino acid found in wheat, barley and rye.

Celiac Educational Videos

Just The Facts

  1. Celiac Disease is an autoimmune disorder which renders your body intolerant to gluten, the primary binding agent found in wheat.
  2. Celiacs Disease is not a food allergy, and has no cure.
  3. Everything awesome ever contains Gluten.

What IS Celiac Disease?

Celiac Disease is an autoimmune disorder in which the body develops an intolerance to gluten, the primary bonding agent found in wheat, barley and rye. When gluten enters the system, it triggers an automatic response in the body that damages the intestines.

Contrary to popular belief, Celiac Disease is NOT an allergy to wheat. Also contrary to popular belief, gluten, though it can contribute to the spongy elasticity of bread and contains the word "glute" in it, has absolutely nothing to do with the enormous size of Kim Kardashian's ass.

Gluten to the MAX!

What are the symptoms?

The symptoms of Celiac Disease range from "uncomfortable" to "pants-shitting embarrassing" to "absolutely terrifying". Most common symptoms include:

-Bloating, gas and abdominal pain

-Bone or joint pain

-Fatigue

Horrible, painful and embarrassing symptoms include:

-Uncontrollable diarrhea, constipation or BOTH

-Pale, foul-smelling stool

And then the coup de grace:

-Infertility in men and women

-Spontaneous miscarriages

That's right, according to Celiac.org, symptoms of Celiac Disease can range from what seems to be a simple food allergy, to something a vengeful God would spite someone with in order to prevent the birth of the spawn of Satan.

So if you've been diagnosed with Celiac Disease and you're thinking that you want to pop out a wee one to further your genetic line, here's a hint: DON'T EAT ANY F%#ING GLUTEN.

Alright Jackass, what should I avoid?

Since your body has decided that it doesn't want to deal with a common occurring amino acid like gluten, and it would rather shit uncontrollably and kill your unborn, you should probably avoid the following:

-Any form of bread at all, unless it's made purely of corn, like, you know, cornbread

-Anything that contains wheat flour

-Beer

HOLD ON A SECOND, DID YOU SAY BEER?

That's right mysterious alter-ego, beer, which is made from barley, which contains gluten, is a big no-no.

Honestly, there's no point to list anything else that you can't eat because once people get to the word "beer" they tend to lose all hope and start loading bullets into their gun.

Poison.

BUT WAIT, THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU ALCOHOLICS

One word: distilled.

Spirits.

Okay, two words. You see, when a spirit is distilled, the pure ethanol is extracted from the grain and removed, leaving all of the by-products behind. That's right, gluten is a by-product.

So in other words, when someone distills a spirit like rum, whiskey, vodka or gin, it automatically makes it gluten-free.

Hell. Yes.

This also means you can enjoy distilled vinegar but who the f%$& cares, you're probably halfway through a bottle of Jack Daniels right now you Celiac bastard.

Gluten AND worry-free!

Gluten AND worry-free!

So is there a cure?

Sadly, no, there is no cure for Celiac Disease. The only way to even deal with it, really, is to adhere to a strict gluten-free diet for the rest of your goddamn life.

I know, it sucks.

But the nice thing is that you're not alone. Nearly 1 out of 100 people in the United States have Celiac Disease. Because of the emergence of cases, many stores have started containing gluten-free products, and most foods you buy will warn you if they contain wheat.

The best way to prepare yourself is to read up on the hidden foods that contain gluten, which can be many. There are many resources online such as celiac.org and celiac.com that have a lot of literature on the subject.

And, you know you'll be fine when a celebrity comes out saying they have Celiac Disease. Especially if that celebrity is Elisabeth Hasselbeck, co-host of The View, who is a publicly-known Celiac, and has probably helped bring it into the forefront since her main audience is middle-aged women, and all they do is complain, so you know it must have worked.

Hasselbeck and her co-hosts on The View