Kuchisake-onna, or the Slit-Mouth Woman: The Wicked Bitch of the East. She is what would happen if the Joker took up a job as a geisha-girl.

Just The Facts

  1. The Kuchisake-onna died after getting her face carved by her samurai husband after cheating on him.
  2. It was probably with a Jewish waiter.
  3. She will come to you and ask if she's pretty. You say no and you die.
  4. Also, if you say yes, you die. And "you're so-so", "I'm a married man", or "meh" will get you killed.
  5. If you think you can outwit her, just remember: SHE'S ASIAN.

A Carved Face and a Sideways Vagina

The Kuchisake-onna was once a samurai's wife in feudal Japan doing things normal women did then. She cooked, cleaned, and walked around Japan with a half-demon in search of the Jewel of the Four Souls.

Young Kuchisake-onna (center)

Young Kuchisake-onna (center)

After a while, she cheated on her husband. He then carved her face and asked "Who wirr think you're beautifur now?!" She then became a Japanese demon, or yokai, and did things normal Japanese monsters did, minus the tentacle rape.

Nowadays, the Kuchisake-onna comes out on foggy nights, searching for men to ensnare. She will be dressed in a surgical mask, covering her mouth. If you meet her, she will ask "Watashi kirei"("Am I pretty?"). You, seeing a Japanese woman with anime eyes willing to feed you sushi as you watch Cutie Honey, say yes. However, she will then take off the surgical mask, showing you her scabby and withered smile. She'll ask again.

If you say no, she'll cut you. If you say yes, she'll cut you. You see, "Watashi kirei" sounds like "Watashi kire?"(Am I to cut?) GET IT?!?! IT'S A PUN!!!!! HA!!! HAHA!!!!! IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY!!!! Also, there's no witty way to get out of it. If you think you can confuse her by saying things like "you're so-so" or asking "am I pretty?", she'll cut you. There is no way to get out of it. She knows when you're acne-scarred face is shitting around with her. She'll fuck you up and then take pictures with your body, peace signs and all.

Freaky Shit, Man. Freaky Shit.

Kuchisake-onna...or Michael Jackson

Translation: "It's just Jesus juice!"

There have been many stories around Japan that this was real. And not "Salem Witch Trials" real, but "Jack the Ripper" real. A woman with a Glasgow smile from ear-to-ear walked up to Japanese children in the seventies and chased them around town. The panics caused schools to close early and parks to become abandoned. The woman in question was soon ran over by someone, probably during an Initial D street race, while chasing even more children. The media died down for a while after her death, and no one knows anything about the woman other than she was Japanese, so that rules out Crystal Kay.

Crystal Kay

A black Asian?! What will the Japanese invent next?!

Many years later, all was turned into a movie called "Kuchisake-onna", or "Carved" in America. It didn't do well enough to be made into an American movie starring a cast that would make Hitler proud, but it did star the actress from the live-action Cutie Honey movie

She's both giving you a boner and saving your life. You're welcome.