Hangovers suck, but not drinking sucks worse. (Sometimes)
There are a number of factors that play a part in whether or not you will get a hangover after a night of drinking. We all know that if we drink too much we may get a hangover, but what is really happening to our poor bodies the day after a good binge?
The Headache (ie. ethanol makes you its bitch):
The ethanol contained in alcoholic beverages has a dehydrating effect which causes headaches, dry mouth and tiredness. This effect can be lessened by drinking plenty of water before and throughout your night of drinking. So don't go reaching for that last beer. Make it a scotch and water instead.
The Tired Body and Total Fucking Lack of Common Sense:
Your liver breaks this ethanol down and the resulting chemical reactions impair the liver's ability to supply glucose to tissues, in particular to the brain. Glucose is responsible for the brain's energy and the lack thereof results in fatigue, weakness, moodiness and decreased attention. So if you see one of your friends drinking way too much, do him a huge favor and punch him as hard as you can in the liver. Just to wake that fucking liver up a bit so it'll stop breaking down his goddam ethanol.
Why are some Hangovers Worse than Others?:
Congeners are the by-products of the process of alcohol fermentation and these exaggerate the symptoms of a hangover. The more congeners consumed, the worse a hangover is likely to be. Dark spirits such as brandy, whiskey and red wine contain more congeners than lighter spirits like vodka and white wine. Likewise cheaper spirits have had fewer of these impurities removed and are more likely to cause a hangover. Who would have thought that the 4 dollar bottle of wine you bought would fuck you up so bad huh? Tough break, big spender.
Does Everyone Get Hungover?:
No, some people are just genetically lucky when it comes to hangovers and rarely, if ever, suffer the effects. Feel free to punch these pricks in the liver too.
Hit him. Hit him hard.
Each culture that enjoys drinking to excess has it's own hangover cure. Here are a few examples:
In the US a common remedy is the Prairie Oyster. This concoction includes tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, black pepper and raw egg yolk - mixed together and swallowed quickly in one gulp. The quicker you swallow the less chance you have of getting salmonella poisoning from the raw egg.
In a stroke of originality Italians choose coffee as their primary remedy to the hangover. We are sure the coffee must be stirred vigorously with a stick of salami and consumed along with a big bag of cannolis otherwise the cure is rendered ineffective.
The Chinese choose a strong green tea to fight the hangover. Presumably they drink the strong tea then smoke a pack of strong cigarettes then load the whole family onto their one bicycle and go for a brisk ride.
After a big vodka rip how do Russians cure a hangover and get rid of the taste of stale potatoes and beefy, hairy ladies? Well, they steam out their toxins in a sauna of course. Naturally when you wake up in the morning as dehydrated as fuck the first thing you think to do is to jump in a sauna to sweat it out some more. Sounds like a good idea right?
Statistics show that Russian males between the ages of 17-24 have a 58.3% chance of being found dead either a.) parched on the floor of a sauna or b.) in the trunk of a Lada after being whacked by the Russian mafia. Our sources may not be that reliable.
If you are hungover and in Poland - you might as well shoot yourself in the face and end your misery. The hangover remedy in Poland is to drink soured milk that has been left unrefridgerated for a couple of days. While we are sure that the consumption of curdled milk is a valid hangover cure (since everyone has unrefridgerated milk laying around) we think there may just possibly be a better solution. Oh and in case you missed it in Poland they drink sour fucking milk to cure a hangover.
Seriously Poland. Fuck off.
The Netherlands get's it right. Their cure for a hangover is, well, more beer. More beer! Who have thunk it.
(Oh, and hash brownies, lots and lots of hash brownies.)
In Germany they eat a sour snack called Rollmops to cure a hangover. These foul morsels are made by rapping fillets of herring around bits of onion and pickles. Repeat, the German cure for a hangover is pickled fish, onion and more pickles soaked in vinegar. It makes you want to go watch some horse on midget porn just to get the bad taste out of your mouth.
After a night of drinking and fighting the Irish treat a hangover with a concoction of edibles known as Ulster Fry. This consists of heaps of potato bread, fried eggs, bacon, sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms and Irish soda bread. The amount you eat is directionally proportional to the result of your brawl the previous night. Common sense says you will eat less if you are nursing a broken jaw or have a few freshly cracked teeth. The meal is also served to you by your fat Irish wife.
American Indians consume six raw almonds before imbibing in alcoholic beverages in an attempt to prevent the hangover. Everyone should try this the next time they go on a good rubbing alcohol drunk.
Romania - Mexico - Turkey
What do these 3 nations have in common aside from shitty hockey teams? Well they eat tripe for their hangover cure, thus tying for the countries with the nastiest hangover remedy. The tripe (or cow stomach) is boiled in a greasy salty soup of root vegetables, garlic and vinegar and cream.
In case you were not throwing up from your hangover already we assume the goal of this concoction must be to have you chain-hurl until you pass out from lack of oxygen. When you wake up hopefully whatever injury you sustained in the fall will take your mind of your hangover.
There are a billion people in India and they are all smarter that we are, so you know one of them had to have created a reliable hangover cure. So what do Indians do the morning after, when their heads feel as if they have been soundly throttled by the 4 savage fists of Vishnu? They drink a mixture of fruit juices with strawberries, pineapples and bananas being preferred since these settle the stomach and provide some hydration. See - smart huh? No rancid fish, no intestines, no rotten milk.
If it isn't bad enough that we are subject to raging hangovers on occassion, these days are made significantly worse when we are forced to wake up the next morning and actually function with the rest of humanity.
Here are some everyday events made worse by a hangover:
1.) Going to Work:
We've all had to do it. Hungover or not some days you just HAVE to be at work. Knowing full well that no amount of showering or cologne will mask the smell of the booze in your system you suck it up and head out the door ready to face the disapproving looks of your work collegues. While vomiting and sleeping can be concealed nicely in some professions (say in a cubicle), in others it is not so easy. Apparantly it is frowned upon if you are a dentist and happen to puke into the open mouth of a patient. This is the one and only time you get to be glad that you work at a MacDonalds.
2.) Taking a Crap:
Yep, even something as simple as your daily intensinal purge is sullied by the hangover. Face it - what happens when you have a really bad hangover? You puke, of course, and it isn't pleasant. Now imagine sticking you face into a shit streaked bowl in order to blow chunks. That's not nice either, but it pales in comparison however to those rare occassions when the stars align just perfectly and you are overcome with the urge to vomit WHILE YOU ARE TAKING YOUR SHIT.
"Seriously - there's no toilet paper?"
What do you do? Do you turn around and puke into a bowl full of skat and risk shitting on the floor? Do you just let go and puke into your own lap? It's a tough call. We suggest you lean over and puke into the tub if it's handy, but there really is no good solution. Just hope to Christ you are at a friends house so you can finish your shit-vomit and then get the fuck out of there before anyone finds the destruction you have left behind.
It's funny how something as simple as a vague recollectrion can instantly make you break out in a cold sweat. Along with a hangover comes a cloudy head, but there will invariably be moments in the day when the fog lifts and you can remember certain events that your brain had the decency to blank out for you. Remembering what you did the night before is never good, and it is made worse depending on the severity of your hangover. These recollections will typically enter your mind as questions that you really don't want to answer.
i.) Situation: You had a few to many beers.
The Haunting Question: "Did I really say that to <add persons name here>.?
ii.) Situation: You switched from beer to rum and cokes at around 11 pm.
The Haunting Question: " Did I really run over that hobo on my drive home?
iii.) Situation: After the beer and rum, you decided to have a few shots of tequila that you promptly washed down with a bottle of red wine.
The Haunting Question: "Did I really stick my finger up Robbie's ass?"
Yeah. Yeah you did. Sorry bro.
A beer hangover is the most common of hangovers. A person suffering from a beer hangover can be identified by the stink of beer on his breath and body in general. Most often found in college kids and single males it's symptoms include a headache and dry mouth. It has been known to throw those afflicted into giggle-fits, as well as compel them to gorge themselves on Taco Bell.
Hard Liquor Hangover:
Symptoms include a headache, dry mouth and often the inability to move ones head. Vomiting is very common in those stricken by a hard liqour hangover. Those afflicted typically cannot eat nor smell food of any kind without throwing up. People with hard liquor hangovers are very sad and yet very funny at the same time.
Most often seen in young women lining up at the free clinic to get a morning after pill.
In addition to the typical headache, dry mouth and nausea, the tequila headache also causes those afflicted to sweat profusely and tremor uncontrollably. The vomiting of bile is almost a certainty with this type of hangover. People who have survived a tequila hangover do NOT drink tequila anymore.
We at Cracked see hangovers as a necessary evil, much like getting STD's from sex. Something bad usually will come from something good. That said, we have no plans to stop drinking nor humping any time soon. Since getting drunk is easier than getting laid we expect our hangover to STD ratio to be a little out of whack. Whack - yeah, now come to think of it THAT is normally what we do when we are hungover.
You heard it here first folks - the best hangover cure is to snap one off and then get a good nap.