Kratos

Kratos is a video game character that makes Tommy Vercetti look like Lego Batman.

The stone lions are actually designed to lessen the impact of Kratos's blows

Just The Facts

  1. Kratos stars in the God of War games {loosely} based on Greek Mythology.
  2. Kratos starts out his first game by committing suicide. It doesn't take.
  3. In GoW II, Kratos took a break from fighting a killer statue 100 times his size to have a quick threesome. Then he tore the statue up from the inside, having just done the same thing to the ladies.

God of War

Kratos started out as a captain in the Spartan army. On the verge of death, he sells his soul to Ares, the God of War, Bloodlust, and Slaughter personified. He then spends the next few years massacring civillians, burning down cities, and just generally making Ghengis Khan look like Nelson Mandela.

Kratos's favorite pasttime of killing defenseless women and children backfires when he accidently kills his own wife and daughter. Inconsolable at the death of his family, he knows that the only way to redeem himself is to give up his violent ways continue to kill everything in sight.

Kratos spends most of the game slaughtering mythological creatures in search of Pandora's box. In one instance, he kills Medusa, rips her head off, and carries it around with him the rest of the game.

At one point, Ares kills Kratos. Kratos (who was suicidal anyway) lets this sink in for a moment; then he kills his way out of hell, climbs out of his own grave, stabs a giant sword through Ares's throat, and takes his title and throne.

God of War II

The game starts out by showing how Kratos is an even more savage and bloodthirsty god then Ares was; like a kid stepping on an anthill, Kratos gleefully crushes the city of Rhodes beneath his mighty sandals. His genocide is interrupted when a bird takes away his powers and transfers them to the Colossus of Rhodes.

At this point, the Fates held that Zeus would kill Kratos. Kratos respectfully disagreed; after climbing out of Hell again, Kratos killed the fates, went back in time, stabbed Zeus, and killed Zeus's daughter for good measure. He then used his time powers to save his family to restart a war that by all accounts had almost destroyed the world.

God of War III is set to come out in March 2010. The game is expected to feature Kratos killing his way through what's left of the Greek Pantheon and then moving on to the Hindu Deities, with Vishnu rumored to be the final boss.

Pre-order to unlock Shiva the Destroyer!

Other Appearances

Kratos also starred in the PSP prequel God of War: Chains of Olympus which kept the core gameplay of the console games, as well as the mobile phone game God of War: Betrayal which one imagines plays like an extremely gory version of Tetris.

Recently, Kratos has become a mascot of sorts for Sony, who are pimping him out like a pale, bloodthirsty Mario. He inexplicably appeared as a playable fighter in the PSP version of Soul Calibur, which is sort of like if Voldemort showed up at your kid's karate tournament. He also made an appearance in the family-friendly Little Big Planet, where we assume they didn't mention anything he has ever done.

There have also been talks about a God of War movie, possibly starring Djimon Hounsou. Hounsou looks exactly like Kratos does if you have serious problems with the color on your TV.

Twins

A Perfect Match