All women really want is to meet someone kind, loving, and sensitive. Someone with which to share their time and love. All Jerry Seinfeld wants is to meet a girl who won't squeeze his boner to death.
Well, this is a little ridiculous. We're pretty sure that most Cracked readers are fans of Seinfeld too, in the same way that most Cracked readers are also fans of Star Wars and tentacle rape porn. These things tend to go together.
Hmmm... This needs more tentacle rape.
In fact, we would go as far as to say that 90% of Cracked readers would say they've seen every episode, and the other 10% are lying, no-good prick-ticklers that totally have seen them, too.
However, we'll go ahead and talk about it anyway.
The aforementioned boner-smashing was actually not really what Seinfeld was upset about. He just doesn't like her hands, and says it'd be cooler if they were hooks.
Too cool for school.
Fans of the show (you) will be familiar with Seinfeld's notorious pickiness when it comes to the women he dates. From women that are too tan, to girls who are too much like himself...
You know what? Fuck this. You guys know this shit already. For those that pretend not to (we're lookin' at you, prick-ticklers), here it is on Youtube.
Apparently this isn't just made up. It's an actual phenomenon that occurs in nature. Observe:
Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson's gender has always been a little up in the air. The expression we see here is meth-addled, confused arousal. Witnesses say she caught a glimpse of those strong, manly hands in a mirror and began eye-fucking the shit out of herself. This is, presumably, considered rape. Or cruelty to animals. Or... She's not attractive in this picture, all right?
Let's move on to...
This exceedingly creepy picture is of a person (?) getting more handsy with a baby than can actually be legal. The problem with this picture is that we don't know the gender of this large-handed pedophile. Presumably it's female, because a man with man hands isn't all that remarkable.
Woman? Possibly. Illegal? Not in Thailand.
Finally, and in what may be an earth-shattering revelation to nerds and Michael Bays everywhere, we have this:
Wait. See that?
GOD IS A LIE.