Nintendo Supervillains

Nintendo has given us Mario, Star Fox, Samus Aran and Link. Now meet the opposition. For every great hero there must be a great villain.

Just The Facts

  1. Nintendo is statistcally far more likely to have a recurring villain than to create a new one.
  2. It's unclear what nintendo has against creatures with shells that it would have Mario stomp them without a second thought for 25 years plus.

Wario

He's just like Mario, only fatter and with gas. He once had ambition of ruling when he took over Mario's turf by casting a spell over the land to turn the citizens against Mario. Basically he made everybody think he was great and Mario was a pedo. It didn't last though, because everybody know's Peach is 18 so it's perfectly ok for Mario's sweaty 40 something ass to get all up in that.

As he's gone on to star in his own series it's become clear that Wario isn't so much evil as proposterously selfish. Basically if something is valuable or worth something or just shiny he wants it. He suffers from a level of avarice on par with Bernie Madoff. Gluttony has to factor in there somewhere too given his gut and apparent frequent indigestion.

Ganondorf

The big meany of the Legend of Zelda may have been a big blue piggy thing back in the day but now we know him better in his human form. Twice as big as Link, dark skin, clown red hair and a nose he could harpoon a whale with. His dreams of conquest are rather generic, get the princess out of the way, rule the kingdom, try not to fall victim to a prophecy about an annoying green fairy dude kicking his ass. The usual crap.

Like most Nintendo villains Ganondorf suffers from only having one plan that he just keeps trying over and over again. When will he give up on the tri-force and just settle for something more within his reach like a real estate scam? He could trick all those Hyrulean chicken farmers into buying land in the Lost Woods.

Ridley

Mother Brain may be the big enchilada of the Space Pirates from the Metroid games but this winged bastard is the one that just won't go away. Always out to capture a metroid and put down Samus this teradacyl wanna-be never seems to have much stategy beyond swooping in really fast and getting his ass scorched with rockets. Word is he's trying to get a metroid for Mother Brain to clone and rule the galaxy, we suspect that he really just wants a unique pet. "Who's a cute little life force sucker? That's right, you are!"

Team Rocket

They've been hammered into our eyeballs thanks to the cartoon but this pathetic loser's club started on the Gameboy (as did all things Pokemon, despite earlier reports that the entire franchise was shit out by Satan following a taco buffet). These misfits clearly spend more time on their matching outfits and self written little cheers than any actual plan.

King Hippo

He's not the last guy for Little Mac to take down to claim the title in Punch-Out!! but he does something so dastardly that it trumps all the other boxers... forces you to look at his underwear. The only weak spot on this pudgy pugelist is that bandaid on his belly button. Somehow when you punch it his waist shrinks and his pants drop. Thankfully though you don't have to put up with it for long as his ass is too fat to get up after being knocked down the first time. We just have one question... where the hell is his nose?

Andross

When the hero is piloting the fastest and most advanced fighter ship in the galaxy what does he have to fear? Well a giant monkey head apparently. How or why this Dr. Zaius looking mad scientist got his head all big and floaty is anybody's guess. One would think having a head with it's own gravitational pull would be a bit of annoyance when trying to run a solar system.

Bowser

The big daddy of Nintendo villains and probably one of the stupidest things that's capable of walking erect. This mamoth turtle-ish looking bastard has been trying the exact same scheme for almost 25 years... kidnap Princess Peach and then lure in Mario to take him out and rule the Mushroom Kingdom. He tried it back in 1985 and was soundly trounced by the Mario Bros. Bowser has never really changed his game plan since then. Many suspect he was dropped on his thick head repeatedly as a child and it destroyed his ability to recognize a pattern.

Bowser's plan seems to have many holes in it, aside from the big one that Mario kicks his ass without breaking a sweat. Peach is a princess, she's not ruling anything. She's a figurehead a best, and really the kingdom doesn't need her to run. Then again it may just be the highest bit of royalty he can actually get his hands on. The King and Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom seem to be on some kind of extended second honeymoon for the past three decades (or so Peach claims... that usurping little trollop!).

Bowser has so far fathered six equally incompetent children. No one has ever seen the mother of this brood but it is believe she died of shame at having boned this loser and spawned a litter of loser kids.